ByElle McFarlane, writer at Creators.co
'There's always someone younger and hungrier coming down the stairs after you.'
Elle McFarlane

Q: What's green and carries a bull whip?

A: Kermit the Flog

BDSM has an open door policy. Whether you're a big shot CEO who dreams only of being tied up and teased endlessly with a sheet of bubblewrap, or a middle-aged mother of five who wants to whip the holy matrimony out of her husband, there's something for everyone in the underworld of kink — and #TheMuppets are no exception.

From Darth Blender, the geniuses behind 'Friends Awakens' and 'Rogue One - A Pixar Story' now comes 'Fifty Shades Of Muppets,' something we never realized we needed until now. Tightly binding footage of Missy Piggy and Kermit to the Fifty Shades Of Grey trailer, we no longer need to use our obscene imaginations to guess what sordid muppety filth takes place behind their closed doors, and quite frankly, we're both aroused and relieved.

So come, let's whip up a storm as we delve deep into the delicious depravity of one Hollywood's the most notoriously vulgar couples.


First, Let's Tease Ourselves With The Original Trailer

With a stunning 25 percent rating on Rotten Tomatoes, it was clear from the start that Fifty Shades of Grey was not made for its profound social commentary or biting political satire. Racking up a strapping 570 million dollars at the box office, the public demonstrated that what they really wanted see was a young virginial student fall for a billionaire with a sordid BDSM fetish. Go figure you rampant vanilla mainstreamers.

Making a near clean sweep at the Golden Raspberry Awards including Worst Picture, Worst Actor, Worst Actress, Worst Screenplay and Worst Screen Combo, Fifty Shades left its legs wide open for a comedic re-interpretation. Enter the Muppets.

Unzipping The Throbbing Eroticism Of The 'Fifty Shades of Muppets' Trailer

Meet Christian 'Kermit The Flog' Grey

"He was intense, polite, smart..."

The Fifty Shades of Muppet trailer wastes absolutely no time in introducing us to our saucy leading male heartthrob. As we all know, few things are more arousing than a frog puppet in a miniature top hat, especially when that hat is concealing a mind full of dark, lustful secrets.

"...and intimidating."

Giving us a small glimpse of the BDSM maniac laying beneath the hat, Kermit releases the monster, and for a brief, breathtaking moment we imagine what it'd be like to fall victim to those dextrous felt fingers.

Queue Miss Ana 'Squealing Safeword Piggy' Steele

Piggy: "There’s really not much to know about me, I mean look at me."Kermit: "I am."

Few moments in cinema have been able to convey as much searing tension as the above scene. Praying upon Piggy's crippling low self-esteem, Kermit seizes his chance to frog jump between her trotters and lets her know that he truly "sees" her, like no one has before.

Kermit's Premature Sexplosion

Demonstrating that he too is vulnerable to one of life's classic surprise eruptions, the tension proves too much for Kermit as he embraces his new love-slave's tender pork belly and in doing so, reveals his sensually wanton 'O' face to the world.

Let The Porking Commence

"I don't do, romance"

Having made his carnal feelings abundantly clear, the filthy felty pair waste no time in getting down to business, although it is strictly that, Kermit making sure Piggy knows that their relationship can only be purely physical. Love is such a turn off.

The Shuddering Vaseline-Sponsored Climax

Kermit: "My tastes are very singular, you wouldn't understand."Piggy: "Enlighten me then."

Never missing an opportunity to indulge in some exquisite product placement, Kermit and Piggy enter into the squealing crescendo of the trailer with a tub of vaseline and a vintage privacy screen — a recipe for unlocking untold waves of delicious ecstasy.

Watch The NSFW 'Fifty Shades Of Muppets' Trailer In Full Here:

Poll

What do you think is Miss Piggy and Kermit's Safeword?