ByElle McFarlane, writer at Creators.co
'There's always someone younger and hungrier coming down the stairs after you.'
Elle McFarlane

Aside from the brilliant script, compelling storylines and outstanding commitment to represent a vast cross section of society otherwise completely ignored on-screen, we all know Orange Is The New Black is about sex. Hot (mostly) girl-on-girl, fiery fornication. And we can't get enough.

When we're not longing for Alex and Piper to get over themselves, possibly by smoking some crack in a miniature corn field, and get it on, we're wondering just who'll be next to fall prey to Nicky's wild and wandering hands. Season upon Season we are blessed with just enough lusty Litchfield Correctional Facility copulation to tide us over until the next Season airs, but in case you're getting a case of the blue balls/blue beans, here's a run down of all of the best sex scenes in OITNB to date. Hold on to your standard-


1. "I Want To Taste What You Taste Like"

  • Season 2, Episode 10

While not technically a sex scene per-se, this rendezvous deserves a very, very honorable mention. This delightful little flashback takes us on a journey to the early days of the Piper/Alex relationship where we see Piper, for the first time, taking the reigns of the Vauseman sex-beast. After boldly telling Alex that she wants to drink from the fountains of her heroin smuggling lady garden, Alex pulls Piper into a toilet cubicle (#classic), locks the door and our scene comes to an abrupt end. Sometimes, less is more.

2. Morello Uses The Bathroom Acoustics

OITNB
OITNB
  • Season 1, Episode 1

Using the prison showers for their optimal purpose, Nicky goes to town on Morello, who uses the tiled bathroom acoustics to her advantage. Setting the tone for the rest of the Series, this steamy incident takes place in the pilot Episode which gave us but a teaser of what was still to come.

3. Poussey Scissors Her German Girlfriend

OITNB
OITNB
  • Season 2, Episode 6

Proving once and for all that scissoring takes a lot of careful angling, stamina and mood ruining conversation, Poussey sets about showing her German girlfriend in this steamy flashback that lesbians aren't just condemned to scissor, and only scissor for all eternity. It's sort of hot, mostly because of Poussey's dedication to the anti-scissoring cause, and because it's somewhat reminiscent of the sex-athon in Blue is the Warmest Color.

4. Nicky Gives Alex A 'Christmas Present'

  • Season 1, Episode 13

What more could you want for Christmas then a cheeky fumble beneath the elastic waistband of your beige prison trousers in broad daylight in your communal bedroom? Nicky is Litchfield's modern day Santa Clause and even though Alex had been a very bad girl, she decided to bestow her with a little gift to keep in line with the festive spirit.

5. "Show, Don't Tell"

OITNB
OITNB
  • Season 1, Episode 10

During a conversation with Nicky who asked where she was earlier, we see Piper in one of the few in-prison flashbacks but moments before in what appears to be a store cupboard with Alex between her legs. Telling the world she is on the verge of climaxing as Alex quips "show, don't tell," this scene forever tarnished our childhood memories of show and tell. Kudos to this gif for making it look like Alex is keeping Piper on the verge of her orgasmic ecstasy indefinitely.

6. Morello's Naughty Nuptials

  • Season 3, Episode 13

Having had a rather alternative wedding to her free fiancé Vince Muccio while in prison, Bell, a rather tough guard, takes pity on them and lets them have their wedding night against a vending machine. Morello's screams of "Oh Yes! Husband Yes!" serve to make this scene extra arousing.

7. Fig And Caputo Get Freaky / Borderline Creepy

OITNB
OITNB
  • Season 3, Episode 11

Continuing with the heterosexual sex for a moment, Caputo and Fig offer some of the creepiest sex scenes Orange is the New Black has to offer. Given that their clear hatred of each other should add up to some quite intense sexual liaisons, Caputo's strangely long body in combination with the fact they only seem to copulate in his drab pea-green bedroom makes their sex scenes more nauseating than exhilarating.

8. Piper And Alex's Hate Sex

  • Season 3, Episode 2

Who'd have thought bed bugs could be so rousing? After a Season hiatus, Alex returns to Litchfield in Season three and discovers that Piper is the reason she got busted on parole and sent back to the slammer. This clearly results in some undeniable rage on Alex's part which in turn evolves into some aggressive, steamy sex, all while Alex is wearing a plastic bin liner.

9. Soso And Poussey Get Horizontal In The Shower

OITNB
OITNB
  • Season 4, Episode 6

Taking a leaf out of Nicky and Morello's book, the tragic sweethearts of OITNB Season four go one step further and lay down some nice white toweling on the shower floor before getting intimately acquainted. Joking that Soso is a "pillow princess" Poussey reminds her that she doesn't have to do anything she doesn't want to do and takes one for the blue bean team.

10. Big Boo Gets A Screw...driver

OITNB
OITNB
  • Season 2, Episode 4

Sometimes, if a job's worth doing, it's worth doing yourself. Having swiped a contraband screwdriver from Piper, Boo fashions herself a very homemade vibrator and drives herself to some good old fashioned DIY rapture.

11. Daya Goes Down On Bennett's Leg

  • Season 1, Episode 6

Making use of Litchfield's premium love-nest, otherwise known as the janitors closet, before burrowing her face into Bennett's forbidden nethers, Daya first kisses his prosthetic leg to let him know that she thinks he's allll man, just the way he is.

12. Nicky Tries To Shut Soso Up

  • Season 2, Episode 4

As a final resort to get Soso to shut up, Nicky decides to bury her face into her crotch in the chapel. Needless to say, it doesn't work, the woman is an uncontrollable whirlwind of nervous chatter and therefore an expert in ruining the mood.

13. Judy King, Luschek and Jones Get Physical In A Drug Fueled Orgy

OITNB
OITNB
  • Season 4, Episode 11

You're never too old to get high and have a threesome in your prison cell! OITNB is often praised for its strong ethic of getting a good cross-section of society represented on-screen, and the slightly older generation are no exception to that rule. Destroying the myth that after a 'certain age' you lose your sex drive, Judy and Jones go at it like rabbits, as does the sort-of willfully blackmailed Luschek after guzzling some illicit contraband candy.

14. Stella's Sexy Shower Scene

  • Season 3, Episode 9

Spunky Stella lays it all bare for Piper and manages to make even the drab Litchfield bathrooms look like a sizzling cesspit of filth. While things don't really work out that well for them in the end, we can at least enjoy this precious moment, and Piper's reaction, on loop for all eternity.

15. Morello & Vince's Dayroom Dirty Talk

  • Season 4, Episode 3

Before they tied the knot and consummated their nuptials against a vending machine, Morello and Vince had to get creative with their visiting hours. Proving that sex doesn't always need to be a contact sport, Vince and Morello put on quite a show for all the the other Litchfield family and friends!

16. Blanca & Diablo Make Some Intense Eye Contact

Orange is the New Black [Credit: Netflix]
Orange is the New Black [Credit: Netflix]
  • Season 4, Episode 9

Really showing us all how to properly stick it to our elderly employers, Blanca and Diablo go at it like wild rabbits while making sure they're in full view of Blanca's boss, waking her from her slumber with some hardcore peeping-tom banging.

Poll

Is your sex life better the throbbing fornication-fest taking place at Litchfield?