Posted by Joe The Revelator
Joe The Revelator

I have a simple question for you #GameOfThrones fans: Who is winning? I don’t mean on an individual, self-growth character development level (we all know that’s Arya), but which house is coming out ahead in the overall scheme of things? The Greyjoys? The Starks? The Targaryens? The Bradys?

“The Lannisters have more gold and they sit the Iron Throne.” You might argue. “Dany has freaking dragons, and armies of battle-hardened Unsullied and Dothraki!” One could equally posit. “But #JonSnow and Sansa finally hold the north, and between them they have the requisite bloodline to rule,” diehard #Stark fans might debate.

How about this one: House Craster has produced an army of immortal, near-unkillable ice princes, who will be practically unbeatable by any one rival house in Westeros.

“They’re undead, so that doesn’t count!” The straw-man I invented for this article would argue. But let’s take a moment to really consider how much agency the sons of Craster have (or don't). And, more importantly, how we measure success in the Game of Thrones universe. But first…

*SPOILER WARNING*

This article contains many, many spoilers. If you’re not caught up with the series turn back now!
This article contains many, many spoilers. If you’re not caught up with the series turn back now!

The Measure Of Success

I could spend all day arguing that right is better than might, that personal growth takes precedence over financial gain, or that the sheer number of offspring one produces does not strictly denote success. Just ask Walder Frey:

You'll have to ask pretty loud...
You'll have to ask pretty loud...

Instead, I argue exactly what so many GoT characters have already stated through lengthy monologues — strength of your family, resolve, and legacy are all-important. Everything else fades, but legacy remains. Tywin Lannister especially espouses the significance of legacy at every opportunity:

“You know what ‘legacy’ means? It’s what you pass down to your children, and your children’s children. It’s what remains of you when you’re gone.”

And,

“The house that puts family first will always defeat the house that puts the whims and wishes of its sons and daughters first.”

This isn’t just Tywin’s opinion, either. Every house great or small puts the survival of family and legacy above all else. That so many sons and daughters of nobles have met messy deaths during the war doesn’t negate this. Everyone wants the same thing: security for their house and offspring.

Now, let’s compare a few of the houses as they currently stand, starting with the Starks:

Not too bad, all things considered. Especially when you juxtapose them with the Lannisters who have, arguably, the highest authority in Westeros:

As of this post, the Starks and Lannisters are about equal, if we look at how many future sons/daughters each house could produce in the coming years. Note: Benjen is undead, which might hinder his libido, and Dorna is unable to pass on the family name if she’s even young enough to reproduce.

Now let’s consider Craster. Like the late Walder Frey, Craster has chosen what we’ll refer to as the "turtle spawning method" of evolutionary success — as many children as possible, and hope a handful survive. However, we know that between Craster and his 19 daughter-wives and their pact with the White Walkers that his sons don’t have to worry about infant mortality rate. If they survive birth, they become Walkers themselves. As an audience, we hate Craster for being a brutal, hateful, disgusting pig-man, but that’s a pretty sweet deal he’s stumbled into.

I would say it’s time for some math, but the GoT Wiki has done the work for us already. Over the course of Craster’s reign he has spawned, and sacrificed to the White Walkers, 99 sons. Who has the strongest legacy now?

Go ahead. Count them. We'll wait.
Go ahead. Count them. We'll wait.

Are they really his children? Doesn’t the transformation from human-larva to ice demon make Craster’s house moot? Well, yes and no. Let’s explore this idea further.

Blue Man Group

Throughout both the show and the books, we encounter fluke wights and Walkers who have maintained their identity. Benjen, Ned Stark’s brother, reveals himself in Season 6, having been partially turned into a wight only to be saved by the Children, who shoved a piece of dragonglass into his chest. In the books, this role of undead wilderness guide is played by Coldhands, a frozen corpse with congealed blood in his limbs who rides an elk and obeys the Three-Eyed Raven. Both creatures display some, if not all, of the knowledge from their prior mortal life.

We must also ask the question: Are Craster’s children being turned into wights or Walkers?

The Walkers are smarter, more powerful, taller, and less decayed than their wight slaves. They wear armor, ride horses, and use terrifying ice weapons capable of “turning” slain enemies into frozen zombies.

Wights, on the other hand, are returned undead. As we see in "Hardhome," any corpse is capable of being resurrected, but they maintain their wasted physique and damaged bodies. They are zombies, and they display the same level of reasoning as any other zombie movie.

I argue that because the Walkers aren’t killing Craster’s children, but instead converting them on an altar of ice — they’re being directly recruited into the White Walker caste.

Also known as Thinky Draugr.
Also known as Thinky Draugr.

I know, I know, Craster’s children will be raised as Walkers. They will hold none of Craster’s values, and they will likely never return home to Craster’s Keep. But is this so different from any other character who has strayed from their parent’s teachings and land? Do you think Ned would consider Arya’s killing spree to be upholding their family legacy?

When my friends pick Great Houses to root for I don’t side with Greyjoy, Stark, Lannister or Arryn. Tyrell, Dorne, or the Watch, and the Brotherhood hold no interest for me. It’s all about House Craster baby, and their immortal army of 99 frozen sons, ready to unleash their ice powers on the rest of the world.

As for the morality of cheering for the villain, at least they don’t hump each other over the corpses of their kin. Seriously, that shit was messed up.

All caught up with Game of Thrones? In case you are a bit fuzzy on the details from last season, here is a quick recap of everything that went down:


What house do you represent?

All images taken from the Game of Thrones wikia.

If you'd like to argue with more of Joe's straw men you can find him at his home blog, Statbonus.com