Posted by Elle McFarlane @ellemcf
'There's always someone younger and hungrier coming down the stairs after you.'
Elle McFarlane

Yesterday Kim Kardashian West, reality TV star, model, fashion designer and entrepreneur was tied up, gagged and held at gunpoint while five armed robbers stormed her Parisian hotel room and stole over $10 million worth of jewelry before throwing her in the bath tub. Managing to free herself, Kim immediately called her husband, singer Kanye West, who stopped his performance at the Meadows Music and Arts Festival in New York and rushed to meet her as she flew in to the Teterboro airport in New Jersey.

But you know all of this already. You also know that the internet proceeded to explode after the incident, that everyone from James Corden to Jamie Lee Curtis had an opinion on it, that half the world laughed at her while the other defended her and that her own bodyguard swore vengeance upon the attackers. But what you didn't know is that actually, Kim was the real criminal mastermind behind her own heist and that we the people were in truth her defenseless victims. Don't believe me? Let me explain why.

Kim Is A Woman And Therefore Depraved

Keeping Up With The Kardashians
Keeping Up With The Kardashians

Since the creation of Adam and Eve, mankind has lived with the uncomfortable truth that women are inherently evil. Civilizations have risen and fallen due to their conniving schemes, and the modern world is no different. Take for instance how Amber Heard recently revealed herself to be nothing but a soulless gold digger after filing for divorce from a supposedly "abusive" Johnny Depp. No sooner had she managed to steal the $7 million divorce settlement away from his hard-earning hands then in an act of pure depravity, she squandered it all on a hospital for children, #snake.

It is precisely this kind of malicious, calculating behavior so synonymous with the female agenda that has helped expose Kim as the perpetrator of her own robbery.

  • Like All Women, Kim Is A Liar

Cast your mind back to August 26, 2016. Homeland Security had just launched an investigation into the hacking of Leslie Jones's iCloud account and Ryan Lochte had just been charged for filing a false crime report after saying he'd been held at gunpoint to cover up the fact he'd urinated on a gas station. Now, do you remember how the public reacted to these two seemingly separate, but intrinsically linked events? "No," you cry. Well, let me remind you.

  • Ryan was painted as a fallen hero who'd made an innocent mistake.

  • Leslie was exposed as grossly "playing the victim" for her own hack after months of online trolling abuse.

As you can see, when a great man falls, society rushes to pull him back up to his former glorious pedestal, but when a great woman falls, she falls into an apparently endless abyss of abhorrent trolling. Now, like Leslie, Kim too is cursed with being a female. And so, like Leslie, Kim too is accused of being both the victim and the lying perpetrator of her own crime.

We need only watch this segment of the Wendy Williams Show to see that unlike the first reportage of Ryan Lochte's robbery story, Kim's robbery story is categorically not to be believed. This is reinforced by the way Wendy disinterestedly plays with her nails while relaying the yarn, along with the soft, mocking laughter of the audience and Wendy's insinuation that Kim may have been drinking — regardless of the fact that Kim famously doesn't drink alcohol.

Kim's hideous lie was further uncovered by prominent lawyers:

And by sad, washed-up musical has-beens:

And prominent New York Daily News journalists alike:

When these three distinguished perspectives are taken into consideration, along with Wendy Williams's clear dismissal of Kim's story, and added to the sacred tradition of chastising women for becoming victims of their own circumstance, it's clear that Kim, as her femininity dictates, is a distrustful liar who would fabricate such a story for her own evil agenda.

  • Like All Women, Kim Is An Idiot

Unfortunately for Kim, she, like all women, suffers from being intellectually disadvantaged. Along with being a seething hot mess riddled with lies and deception, this mental handicap ultimately led to her heist being completely her own fault. This comes to light all too clearly in a statement released by Kim's former security guard, Steve Stanulis, who told Pagesix that:

“Sadly, the only person to blame for this incident is Kim Kardashian. She has tens of millions of dollars of jewelry, but she can’t pay for an armed guard to protect her?"

Her colossal oversight not only cost her her beloved diamonds, but it also cost her any sympathy, respect or support from the public. Why should we pity a woman whose own female deficiencies led to her downfall? As "comedian" Adam Hunter rightly points out, how can we have empathy for someone who doesn't even have a soul?

  • As With All Women, Kim's Opinions Are Wrong

Not only has Kim's robbery "ordeal" been exposed to be her fault due to her lies and stupidity, but it has also shown the world that she is a cold-hearted hypocrite to boot. An adamant anti-arms protestor, Kim has once again proven that women's opinions are quite frankly ridiculous and should be kept to themselves at all times. Only three months ago Kim took to Twitter to decry the US Senate's decision not to enforce stricter gun laws:

After news of the supposed heist broke, this was immediately pounced upon by the National Rifle Association (NRA) and its supporters as proof of Kim's latent hypocrisy. After all, how is it possible for someone who supports strong gun laws to be outraged when, in a country that practices such anti-gun legislation, they are suddenly staring down the barrel of an AK-45?! Talk about being two-faced.

Thankfully however, some women were able to see sense and tried to reach out to Kim. One such individual was radio host Dana Loesch who's priorities are (in order) "God, family, guns." She Tweeted Kim and in doing so showed her the error of her flawed, hypocritical thinking and of her stupidity in clearly not being able to fight off the five assailants singlehandedly. Which, clearly, is something Dana herself would have managed to do because she's not an outspoken hypocrite with the wrong opinions.

Kim Is Rich And Therefore Immoral

Just as Karl Marx and Robin Hood preach, rich people are a symptom of a sick society and are the root of many, if not all, of humanity's wrongs. Kim and her well-bred family of Kardashians are no exception to this rule as her recent "heist caper" suggests.

  • Like All Rich People, Kim Asked To Be Robbed

Taking to Instagram to post this photo of her with a $5 million ring just two days before getting it stolen was quite clearly Kim's way of asking the robbers to come into her hotel room and take it from her. Notice her three diamond emoji caption? This only serves as further bait for the blameless robbers who clearly used it as a means to gauge the ring's worth as they were cruelly led into her hotel room against their will. Steve Sanilus, Kim's ex-bodyguard supports this idea, telling Pagesix that:

"When she is posting, ‘Here I am, and this is the $5 million ring I am wearing, here’s where I am going,’ you are basically inviting someone to rob you.”

If Kim didn't want to be robbed, why would she post photos wearing such lavish, luxurious items that would appeal to thieves?

  • Like All Rich People, Kim Deserved To Be Robbed

As this profound piece of fan art fittingly titled "Redistribution of Wealth" shows us, the rich do not deserve our pity, they instead deserve to be robbed. Loftily lording their wealth above us all, the rich remove themselves from the spheres of human empathy as it is well known that they replace all human emotion with extravagant purchases and baths of Moet. Some call this karma:

Some call it #firstworldproblems:

And some people call it divine justice:

  • Like All Rich People, Kim Deserved To Be Exploited

Building upon the notion that Kim not only asked to be robbed, but actually deserved to be robbed, it therefore stands to reason that she deserves to be exploited for being robbed too. Not missing a beat to do their duty, this "fashion" company created a T-shirt to honor Kim's supposed tragedy and in doing so, contributed their bit to making the world a better place.

Kim Is Public Property And Therefore Inhuman

Since selling her soul to star in reality TV show Keeping Up With The Kardashians, Kim has inadvertently become both public property and an impenetrable wall incapable of human feeling. As Robin Givhan for the Washington Post so eloquently said:

"[Kim] seems less a person and more of an idea, a personality, an icon, a scourge, a curiosity.”

By transforming herself into a concept, Kim has consequently foregone the right to compassion, becoming the epitome of a heartless, soulless, demonic spirit who wanders the Earth only to inflict agony on those who happen upon her. A ruthless satanic being such as Kim is not worthy of our pity and we should therefore condemn her for the heist that she has so cruelly inflicted on us as part of her corrupt, attention-seeking personality.

  • Like Public Property, Kim Is Indifferent To People Wanting Her Dead

Like a lamp post or a park bench, the unfeeling objects that litter our publicly owned landscape share more in common with Kim than her human peers. Consequently, regret that the robbers didn't actually murder her in the hotel room that she practically begged them to break into is entirely understandable. Some decried that it was in fact a missed opportunity:

While others decided to use the heist as a means to air their views on the overall pitiful worth of Kim's life:

  • Like Public Property, Kim Doesn't Care That Instead Of Her Assault, People Only Focus On Her Physical Assets

In light of being brutally attacked and made to fear for her life but still being incapable of feeling, Kim's body is fair game for public discussion. Just like we'd talk about an air freshener or a beach ball, the fact that Kim is public property means that we can discuss her as if she were a common everyday household object. However, because humans are curiously humorous creatures, we never fail to do so without an endearing grin on our faces:

Watch as Billy Joe hilariously thanks the kidnappers for keeping her quiet even though they were unable to fully kidnap her due to her bum implants.

Hilarious. The voice of a nation. Good one, Billy Joe, good one.

  • Like Public Property, Kim Should Only Be Thought Of In Terms Of What She Can Produce

For many, the first reaction to this so-called heist wasn't how this would affect Kim, but how instead it would affect us. Taking a while to let the news seep in, the overall feeling on Twitter soon became somewhat joyous as we began to imagine just how Kim's so-called suffering would translate to our viewing entertainment. Most thought about how this would greatly impact Keeping Up With The Kardashians:

While others thought carefully about how Kim's robbery was a gift to the world, her life the fodder for our bored, entertainment-starved brains:


So, why do you think Kim Kardashian is the true villain of her own robbery?