2016 is the year of the superhero fight. Finally, people have gotten tired of seeing super heroes beat the crap out new members from their rogues gallery and ready to face each other. But let’s face it we’re living in the superhero golden age. There are now four separate TV shows all connected to the same DC comics: Greg Berlanti-verse (Arrow, Flash, Legends of Tomorrow, and Supergirl). We have the Avengers and a never ending series of Marvel movies that all feed into each other in a shared cinematic universe that was never thought possible before. The Justice League movie is about to go into production. We’ve had so many superheroes that we’re sick of seeing them punch evil in the face. In this new, postmodern era we need to see them beat each other up.
2016 will forever be remembered as the year of the big superhero faces-offs. Batman v Superman: Dawn of Justice, which of course sees Batman and Superman facing off in the most anticipated title bout since Superman went up against Muhammad Ali. Marvel, always two steps ahead of the game, has Iron Man and Captain America facing off in Captain America: Civil War. However, we believe there is one rivalry that easily eclipses these $200 million tent poles — a bitter comic book rivalry that has largely gone unheard by the major public. That is the bitter conflict between super pets Mogo the Bat-Ape and Comet the Super-Horse.
Comet: The Super-Horse
Mogo: The Bat-Ape
Forget Goku vs. Superman, this is the epic debate that deserves to keep the internet aflame for all eternity: Who would win in confrontation between these two mightiest of super-pets? Now, we’ve decided that this cannot be merely decided among ourselves. We’ve divided ourselves into two camps: Team Superhorse and Team Batape, We shall each present our case for why our respective super-pet of choice is the obvious winner in this contest of champions, but the ultimate decision lies in your hands, reader. At the very end of this article you will have the chance to cast your vote for the battle of the century. Consider the cases made below, and then decide who do you think would win in this contest of champions: Mogo The Bat-Ape or Comet the Superhorse.
Team Bat-Ape: In this corner, we have The Dark Knight’s own simian companion. That’s right, ladies and gentlemen, the goddamned BAT-APE! Now, you might be wondering, how exactly a gorilla could take down a Super-Horse. Pure. Intellect. Let’s face it: Superman was never the brightest member of the Justice League. He can’t even do simple math right. Superman, y’know, Super-Horse’s namesake, is a reporter who has (presumably) been to college, and he can’t even solve a math problem.
Team Super-Horse: This isn’t even a competition. There is nothing remotely fair about this. Super-Horse is a horse that possesses all the powers of Superman. That includes: super-strength, super speed, and flight. That already puts Bat-Ape at a huge disadvantage. I mean, Bat-Ape is just an ape dressed as Batman. There is no way Bat-Ape can manage to take Super-Horse in a straight up battle. I mean, horses can be absolutely brutal animals, ever see a video of horse kicking a guy in the face?
It’s absolutely brutal. Now imagine that with all the god-like strength of Superman; I think you can see how Bat-Ape is going to be royally devastated. Horse legs are powerful — a kick from Super-Horse could easily level a city block and literally turn Bat-Ape’s face into a nice, mushy, red paste. That’s not all. Super-Horse isn’t from Krypton, so that means he’s completely unaffected by kryptonite and red suns. Basically, any edge that Batman could give Bat-Ape via supplying him with kryptonite is completely negated. SUPER-HORSE HAS NO WEAKNESSES! If it wasn’t for Superman and Supergirl, I think it’s painfully obvious that Super-Horse could easily subjugate humanity under his bulletproof hoof, forcing Mankind into a subservient state of feeding him an endless supply of carrots and oats.
Team Bat-Ape: But that’s the thing canonically speaking Super-Horse is, well, actually not a horse; he’s a cursed centaur. That doesn’t exactly help his case. Sure, it can carry Supergirl around in the most redundant way possible (given that she can fly),, but Comet is actually more interested in sleeping with her than anything else. As an aside, I cannot explain how dirty I feel when I write that. Anyway, centaurs are wild, hedonistic, carefree creatures. They lack the discipline to do much of anything. Think about it: This guy’s been a magic horse with super powers for CENTURIES. He hasn’t broken the curse. He hasn’t even done anything noteworthy until he starts hitting on some hot alien chick. Now you want to get a centaur to take on an intellectual giant. Yeah. Sure. You’d be lucky if you can get him to count.
Bat-Ape on the other hand is an ape that was smart enough to break out of his cage, flee the circus, and follow Batman and Robin back to the Batcave. Hell, most of Gotham’s underworld isn’t smart enough to manage that, so that means that we’re dealing with an ape smarter than most of the organized crime in Gotham.
Team Super-Horse: I don’t care how smart you think Bat-Ape is. No matter what he plans anything he comes up with is immediately negated by Super-Horse’s telepathy and telepathic vision. That’s right; read it and weep — it’s on the character's wikipedia page.
So essentially, Super-Horse can easily detect what Bat-Ape is planning. There is no way for Bat-Ape to gain an advantage over Super-Horse. He beats Bat-Ape in speed and strength. He has no vulnerabilities, and it also can tell exactly what Bat-Ape is going to do. Even extended training from the world’s greatest detective is not enough to make Bat-Ape able to stand against the herculean juggernaut that is Super-Horse. Apes might be smart, but let's be honest here, there’s a limit to what Batman can teach Mogo. Even the smartest apes only manage to learn a few words of sign language.
Teaching apes is slow, tedious work with very little reward. It would take years for Batman to get Bat-Ape to learn a few basic commands and the ability for basic articulation. Bat-Ape would not have the capacity to adapt to the torrent of destruction that Super-Horse is capable of unleashing. I mean, look at the cover art — Bat-Ape is slowly dropping Batman and Robin using a poll when they could just use their grapple hooks or capes to jump across. Bat Ape isn’t really fighting crime as much as it’s serving as a redheaded stepchild that Batman and Robin take pity on, like some hairy make-a-wish child forced drag down Batman and Robin from protecting Gotham.
Team Bat-Ape: OK, let’s back things up a sec. Super-Horse has super speed, super strength, and he probably has laser eyes. He’d totally wipe the floor with Bat-Ape, right? Not so fast. Bat-Ape, much like Batman, doesn’t rely on his strength. OK, he does a little — he is a giant gorilla — but far more important are his reasoning skills. You say Bat-Ape has limited intelligence? I beg to differ. He’s obviously capable of understanding human speech and executing complex commands. Check this out:
You know what that means? That’s right. Bat-Ape knows how to use tools, which means Bat-Ape is capable of using all of Batman’s gadgets. So while Super-Horse is busy trying to mess around with Supergirl, Bat-Ape is out training with the myriad of technological marvels that Bruce Wayne has at his disposal.
And while we’re on the subject — Batman has a plan for everything. He has a plan to take out every single member of the Justice League, including himself if he ever goes rogue. Are you really telling me that Batman didn’t foresee the eventual conflict between his favorite great ape and a magical horse? If I know Mr. Wayne, he probably already taught Mogo how to resist telepathic powers, just like he’s trained himself to.
Team Super-Horse: Even if in the hypothetical scenario where Bat-Ape’s dumb ass can resist Super-Horses telepathy (which he probably can’t because if monkeys could learn anti-psychic defenses they wouldn’t still be defecating in the jungle and eating ants on sticks as the pinnacle of their technological achievement), there’s the physical element. Apes are strong, but that’s a far cry for being able to take on an animal that can easily weigh over a ton and has all of powers of Superman and then some. There’s no competition. Super-Horse could easily devastate Bat-Ape. One could argue that Super-Horse’s secret weakness is his penchant for turning into a centaur with the passing of a comet.
Honestly, I think if Bat-Ape tried to use this to his advantage he’d only makes things even worse for himself. Instead of facing just a horse, Bat-Ape has to defeat a centaur with telepathy and all the powers of Superman. Now, Super-Horse can proceed to punch Mogo the Bat-Ape, and god knows Bat-Ape has no chance against Super-Horse’s centaur form. It’s the best parts of man and horse powered by the best genetics krypton has to offer.
Team Bat-Ape: It doesn’t matter if he becomes an even more powerful Kryptonian centaur, that just gives Bat-Ape more opportunities to exploit Comet’s inherent centaur weaknesses. And wait — didn’t that panel just say he’d be powerless? All he needs to do is put out a trough of cheap wine and add a few pinup girl posters, and the horse is going to be distracted for hours, easily enough time for Mogo to deliver the knockout blow and drag the corpse to the knackers.
Let’s say that doesn’t do the trick. Let’s say that Comet somehow figured it out despite the drunken stupor he finds himself in and regains and uses his magical mind powers. Well, our crime-fighting, cape-wearing, batcave-finding ape of destiny has another trick up his non-existent sleeves: He just has to picture Supergirl without her costume. The pervy monster would be stunned by images of the object of his affection, leaving Mogo with the upper hand once again.
Actually, come to think about it. Mogo wouldn’t even have to go that far. All our super intelligent ape needs to do is set up a situation where the raging centaur’s powers are of no use to him. What kind of situation is that? Well, the horse ISN’T invulnerable. He has super strength and super speed (I must stress that nowhere does it mention that the horse is invulnerable). The simplest thing to do would be to rig Mogo with explosives and a dead man switch. If he dies, they both die. Of course, that ends in a tie, and that’s not what we’re going for. So how about Mogo goes all Lex Luthor. Using the kryptonite he so obviously has in his Bat-Ape utility belt, go capture Supergirl. Then, set her in a maze of anti-personnel explosives. If you ask where exactly Mogo is going to get all this stuff, remember: He’s Batman’s BFF. Question Mogo, and you question The Dark Knight himself. I mean, do you REALLY want to ask the bat where he got this?
Team Super-Horse: I don’t care how many super mechs Batman can make. They're all just petty human inventions in a poor man’s attempt to try and compete with a god. No matter how powerful Mogo’s Bat-Ape mech might be, it’s nothing compared to super powered horse limbs (plus arms); there is nothing that Super-Horse cannot conquer, especially in his endless fury of super centaur/horse rage. Let’s not forget that Super-Horse is also part of a legion of other super pets all possessing powers comparable to superman.
Team Bat-Ape: Wait wait wait, hold up for a second. You do know that while Super Horse is super strong and super fast, he does NOT share Superman’s invulnerability. Invulnerability is, in fact, listed as its own power. This makes Comet a glass cannon. Sure, he might be able to dish out punishment, but he can’t take it in return. All Mogo needs is one well-placed hit to send Comet straight to the glue factory.
In fact, why doesn’t Mogo just skip the foreplay and capture Supergirl with some kryptonite. THEN he could use sign language to order Comet to stand down and admit defeat. It’s either that or Supergirl gets shived with kryptonite and even if Mogo dies, Comet goes back to a miserable, dreary existence as a lonely centaur trapped in a horse’s body. Oh, and if push really comes to shove, Bat-Ape has an entire Bat Family at his disposal.
Team Super-Horse: Even if Mogo gets the upper hand, all Super-Horse needs to do is send out a telepathic message to Super-Monkey, Super-Cat, and Super-Dog to completely wreck everything. Mogo might be able to hold Supergirl hostage, but one thought is enough to summon an animal force capable of leveling half a planet to rescue Supergirl while Super-Horse proceeds to beat the royal shit out of Mogo. There is no comparison; Super-Horse, along with the alliance of godly super pets, can easily able to overwhelm any gadget or cheap trick Mogo can try to throw at him.
Team Bat-Ape: Oh come on! I just said Bat-Ape has access to kryptonite. Sure, Super-Horse isn’t affected, but I’m pretty sure Bat-Ape can hold a chunk of kryptonite in one hand and smash Super-Monkey’s face into a wall with the other while Ace the Bat Hound mauls Krypto the suddenly powerless mutt into submission. I bet this would escalate fast. A chain reaction that only ends with all out war between two super families.
Team Super-Horse: And there you have it, the unstoppable force vs. the immovable object. Which one will triumph? Of course if this was a traditional comic, Mogo and Super Horse would actually wind up joining forces to fight a greater foe (because that’s what happens in all of these stories). The heroes fight due to some misunderstanding, then they team up to fight the real bad guy.
Let’s assume no one’s coming to help though. Just as Jesse Eisenberg pretending-to-be-Max-Landis-playing-Lex-Luthor might say: “It’s the greatest gladiator match the world has ever seen, the ape of Gotham vs. a centaur Super-Horse of Krypton.” Who will win? Well, obviously if you can follow reason and scientific logic, as opposed to subscribing to the inherent fallacy of the Bat-god who plans all things, Super-Horse wins. This isn’t a contest. Prove to me that you're all reasonably intelligent individuals and click Super-Horse on the poll below to prove once and forever that Comet is the most powerful super-pet of all time.
Team Bat-Ape: Y’know what? I’m not even going to dignify that with a rebuttal. We all know Bat-Ape is awesome. Just click the Bat-Ape button and we can all go back to ignoring Greek mythology and the weird sexual desires of a man-horse trapped in a full horse’s body lusting after an underage alien girl.
Since we're on the topic of learning about DC characters, here are some cool facts you might not know about Wonder Woman:
Who wins? Vote in the poll below to settle this internet feud once and for all!