First off, I love Dexter. Or rather, I loved it, back when the storyline wasn't riddled with diabolical failings. It was a great show.
But seriously, Dexter Season 8 had a terrible, awful finale. Here are just a few of the main problems with it:
Terrible things happened, and they were not handled well.
I respect writers who can deal heavy blows, but tragedies must be handled well, by a skilled and patient torturer like .
Dexter must know that he can't just delete stuff from Vogel's computer - you gotta run a magnet over it or something.
Other shows get that.
Many pointless, cul-de-sac plotlines - Masuka's daughter, Quinn's almost-promotion, Elway's boring crush on Deb...
So much waffling on, yet no ends tied up!
Brilliant Deb one-liners - like this - are a thing of the past.
The whole thing had the feeling of an email you shoot off before leaving the office.
Lots of generic, repetitive dialogue, regurgitating as much Dexter mythology as possible to pad out the episode.
Harry tells Dex, 'You're truly afraid, because for the first time in your life you think you've got something to lose,' conveniently forgetting those other times he had Rita, Cody, Astor or Lumen to lose.
The massive revelation that Deb is in love with Dexter was totally ignored.
A spot of incenst would have been very welcome - anything to liven it up a bit.
Hannah needs to get a disguise. It's not easy to blend if you are the most stunningly attractive fugitive in the world.
Maybe some false teeth and a wig?
Dexter falls for Saxon's estate agent ruse.
'I've got someone who's ready to pay, cash, but he wants to meet the seller.' Come on, Dex, Harrison could've told you that's a trap.
Dexter doesn't kill Saxon when he has the chance, despite what happened to Rita when he let Trinity loose.
And now Deb's been shot and he's free, you massive prat.
The Marshall doesn't recognize Saxon's floppy, Ryan Gosling face, lets him go.
Because official law enforcement people totally ignore a nationwide manhunt.
Horrible cheesy flashbacks.
Flashbacks are exclusively for CSI and 80's music videos
Dex manages to kill Deb and scuttle off with her corpse without anyone noticing.
Although by this point, I was almost expecting her to get miraculously jolted back to life by lightning during the storm.
The unconvincing storm has no waves.
Casting Deb into the water in a white sheet was obviously emblematic of a purer incarnation of his other kills. But it should not have happened.
Finally, Dexter goes off into the wilderness to play at blue-collar work like he's in Five Easy Pieces.
Now Dexter just has to sit in a log cabin until the network wants to shave his beard off and drag him out for a reboot. At least this offers the possibility of the last time we see Dexter not being wholly abysmal.
I'm pretending that the Dexter finale was a bad piece of fanfiction that can be ignored.
Let's see what the Dexter movie can do. Until then, I'm just trying to forget the monsters.