10 things Dwayne Johnson thinks are Messed up in Greek Mythology

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My fictionalized version of Dwayne Johnson has heard that some seriously messed up shizzle happened in Greek Mythology. Here is our new Hercules' reactions to some of the most balls-out demented stuff from Hellenic legend.

1) INCEST: 'Seized with a passion for her brother, Byblis loved him...not as sister loves a brother; not in such a manner as the law of man permits'.

2) CANNIBALISM: 'Tantalus, wishing to test the gods, slaughtered Pelops and served him up at a feast.'

3) MOTHER SEES SON SAVAGED BY DOGS: 'When his head was wrenched out from his mangled corpse, she clutched it with her blood-smeared fingers'.

4) LESBIANISM: 'She a girl is burnt with passion for another girl...one hope of passion's ecstasy, the thought of which only increased her flame.

5) THE MINYADES ARE TURNED INTO BATS: 'Full of affright amid the smoking halls the sisters vainly hide...a membrane stretches over every limb, and light wings open from their slender arms.'

6) BESTIALITY: 'Pasiphae joyed in adultery with the bull...he filled her, the king of the herd'.

7) PRIAPUS, GOD OF MALE GENITALIA: 'My member stands stiff with a rigid shaft...this cypress rod will penetrate and plant a fig in you.'

8) TINY DICKS: 'In Ancient Greece a small penis was considered desirable in a man, whereas a bigger penis was viewed as comical or grotesque'.

9) SEX: 'Who doubts the truth? The female's pleasure is a great delight, much greater than the pleasure of a male.'

10) HERCULES' DEATH: 'The poisoned garment ripped his skin from his burning flesh, stripped the great muscles from his limbs, leaving his huge bones bare. Even his blood audibly hissed...'

'...the heat consumed his entrails; and his sinews cracked. The marrow in his bones dissolved. There was no limit to his misery'.

Dwayne Johnson did sign up for this shizzle!

Quotations from those great writers, Ovid and Wikipedia, because Dwayne Johnson wants you to LEARN.

Jancy Richardson1788 people voted
Is Dwayne Johnson gonna be a good Hercules?
  • 443
    Yeah, he'll be awesome.
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  • 751
    No, terrible.
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  • 594
    I am entirely neutral.
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Jancy RichardsonArticle by Jancy Richardsonstaff