Episode 1 "Pilot"
I had to make a bomb Morty, I had to create a bomb. We're gonna drop it down there, get a whole fresh start Morty.
Nighttime is my time:
What so everyone's supposed to sleep every single night now? You realize that nighttime makes up half of all time?
How Rick sees school:
Listen Jerry I don't want to overstep my bounds or anything, it's your house, it's your world, you're a real Julius Ceasar. But I'll tell you some how I feel about school Jerry. It's a waste of time, a bunch of people running around, bumping into each other. Guy up front says "2+2" , the people in the back say "4" then the bell rings and they give you a carton of milk and a piece of paper that says you can go take a dump or something. I mean it's not a place for safe people, Jerry.
NEVER EVER say morning:
-Uh, morning Frank.
-"Morning"? What was that supposed to mean? You making fun of me? Are you trying to say my family is poor?
I am not putting my father in a home! He just came back into my life, and you want to grab him and stuff him under a matress like last month' Victoria's Secret?
Since we're fighting, if you ever have an affair with that guy, I will come to the hotel room and blow my brain all over your naked bodies
Mrs Smith? This is principal Vagina, no relation.
Hitler had a heart:
You're a monster. You're like Hitler but even Hitler cared about Germany or something!
Butthole is the way out:
There's ways to get back home Morty. It's just gonna be a little of a hasstle. We're gonna to go through interdimensional customs, so you're gonna have to do me a real solid. When we get to customs, I'm gonna need you to take these seeds into the bathroom, and I'm gonna need you to put them way up inside your butthole, Morty. Put them way up inside there, as far as they can fit.
-Did you get those seeds all the way up your butt?
-Let's get this over with, okay? I mean, this things are pointy. They hurt.
-That means they're good ones
-Ok, next through. Except you, you get over there.
-Why does he have to go over there?
-Random check. He's got to go through the new machine.
-What new machine?
-It's a new machine. It detects stuff all the way up your butt.
-Run Morty! Run!
We had a little incident. A student was frozen to death. And there's no evidence that a latino student did it! Everyone wants to take this to a racial place, I won't let them.
-I mean, you know, I don't want to shoot nobody.
-They're just robots, Morty! It's ok to shoot them, they're robots!
*shoots on a robot*
-My leg is shot off!
-Glenn's bleeding to death, someone call his wife and children!
-They're not robots Rick!
-It's just a figure of speech Morty. They're bureaucrats, I don't respect them.
There's a pépin:
-You got to get those seeds out of your ass.
-Oh, look honey. It's our son with Albert Ein-douche. I'm an angry father, not an improvisor.
Missing school isn't (s)c(h)ool:
Dad, how could you make my son miss an entire semester of school? I mean, it's not like he's a hot girl, he can't just bail on his life and set up shop in someone's else's.
-I'm a genius, I build robots for fun.
-Well, now you can build baskets, watch Paul Newman movies on VHS and mentally scar the boy scouts every christmas.
-What does that mean?
-Damn, Rick. I didn't know hanging out with you was making me smarter.
-Full disclosure Morty, it's not. Temporally superintelligence is just a side effect of the mega seeds dissolving in your rectal cavity.
-Yeah, and once those seeds wear off, you're gonna lose most of your motor skills and you're also gonna lose a significant amount of brain functionality for 72 hours, Morty. Starting, right about now.