Superheroes. We love 'em, and judging from the Marvel and DC mania gripping the box office over the past few years it's safe to assume that a whole lot of other people out there love them too.
But at the end of the day they are only human (well, most of them anyway), with the same basic urges and needs as the rest of the filthy masses. Though comic books may have at one point been primarily marketed towards children, that is no longer the case, and writers often like to see how far they can push the envelope with the more X-rated content.
But sometimes they push a little too far, as in the case of these weird, creepy and downright disturbing sexual encounters from the pages of the Marvel and DC comic books.
1. Hawkeye Has Sex With A Doombot
This one is weird before it gets weirder. You may have heard of a little Marvel crossover series called Disassembled, which preceded the massive universe crossover House of M (which Scarlet Witch MCU actress Elizabeth Olsen loves).
In Avengers Disassembled Wanda Maximoff/Scarlet Witch's reality-altering powers go a little haywire, causing the death of several of her Avengers teammates, including Hawkeye and her estranged husband Vision.
During House of M we discover that — among all the reality altering that's been going on — Hawkeye has been resurrected (yay!). He's bit stressed out about this, understandably, and he and Wanda have a confrontation.
After House of M Hawkeye then sets off to track down the now missing Scarlet Witch to get some closure regarding why she killed him. He finds Wanda living in her home village of Transia, seemingly powerless and with no memory of her past life. With lack of a better thing to do, they have sex.
He sneaks away before Wanda wakes up, cause he's a gentleman. Now you might think having sex with the memoryless woman who killed then resurrected you is weird enough, but it's then later revealed that the Wanda Hawkeye had sex with wasn't actually Wanda, but a Doombot.
As it turns out Wanda did lose her memory. Doctor Doom discovered her after House of M and ostensibly kidnapped her to be his bride, leaving a Wanda-shaped Doombot behind to fool anyone who would come looking for her.
To Hawkeye's credit, he takes this discovery in stride. And it makes you wonder just how realistic Doom makes his robots. In fact no, let's never think about that again.
2. Superman's Sex Tape
Ah, Superman. The truest American hero, the paragon of virtue, heroism and all that is good in the world. There's no way in hell he could ever have done something as skeezy as film a sex tape, right? Right!?
Sorry to shatter what innocence you have left, but Superman did in fact (almost) star in a porno with a fellow superhero who was married to someone else. Namely Big Barda, who was married to Mr. Miracle.
In this strange story from Action Comics, Big Barda has a run-in with the villainous alien and aptly-named Sleez, who uses his powers of corruption to force her to perform in pornography (shot in a sewer, in case you missed the imagery here).
Sleez videotapes and distributes the X-rated images of Big Barda, and Darkseid — being the evil character he is — breaks into Mr. Miracle's house to show him the tapes and drink his alcohol. Talk about adding insult to injury.
And it turns out that Barda isn't the only one under Sleez's hypnosis, he's also managed to wrangle the Man of Steel — Superman himself — and he's gearing up to make his next production.
Thankfully Mr. Miracle is able to show up in the nick of time to stop Superman from getting too freaky with his wife, although exactly how freaky they'd gotten prior to this is left up to your imagination.
It's never revealed exactly what was on the video tape of Big Barda but, considering that Sleez has stuff like tentacle monsters hanging around his sewer, we don't want to speculate too hard.
Speaking of tentacle monsters...
3. Batman v Superman v Tentacle Sex
Three words we wished had never been brought together collided in an incredibly weird issue of World's Finest Comics from the early 1980s.
In this story Batman and Superman have a costumed sleepover in the Fortress of Solitude. Batman is depressed because he's failed to save a mugging victim and Superman is feeling sad about the whole "being the last surviving member of his race on an alien planet" thing, so they decide to hang out and talk about their feelings.
Their manly bonding time is interrupted by a meteor which falls from the sky. A meteor which happens to contain a bunch of Kryll — tentacle-like aliens who are drawn to intense human emotion off of which they leech. Apparently Superman and Batman's bromance was so intense that it drew the aliens here, so take that [Batman v Superman: Dawn of Justice](tag:711870).
And then — as they feed on the emotion in the Fortress of Solitude — the mating of the Kryll begins. And it looks a little like this:
The Kryll tell them that they have to leech the Earth dry of emotions in order to survive, but they're so moved by the "precious gift" that is the emotion they've drawn from Batman and Superman that they decide to just die instead, sparing the planet.
Which they do, after releasing Batman and Superman's emotions back to them. The two titans of the Justice League then stand together and weep over the ashes of the dead aliens, because what the hell DC?
4. Ant-Man Gets Freaky On His Best Friend's Grave
Let's bring it back to Marvel now. The Ant-Man in question here isn't the original Henry Pym, or even Scott Lang, but Eric O'Grady, S.H.I.E.L.D. agent turned Ant-Man from the mid-2000s. And despite the fact that Pym was an infamous wife-beater, Eric somehow manages to behave just as horribly towards women in his series, the aptly named Irredeemable Ant-Man.
Eric comes into possession of the Ant-Man suit after taking it from the body of his close friend Chris McCarthy, who he was assigned with to guard Henry Pym's lab and for whose death he was partly responsible. After previously hitting on Chris's girlfriend — fellow S.H.I.E.L.D. agent Veronica King — he then takes this opportunity to console her.
And by console her we mean have sex with her on the grave of his dead best friend. The freshly-laid grave, just after the funeral, a mere week after his death.
After getting down to it in the mud Veronica glances at the grave of her dead boyfriend and freaks out, pushing Eric off of her and storming off before the deed can be consummated, something we're all grateful for.
Annoyed about coming to close to sealing the deal with the girl he's been trying to bang even when her boyfriend was alive, Eric settles for the next best thing — shrinking down in the Ant-Man suit and spying on her in the shower.
Later, they do end up sleeping together, after which Eric ignores her and abandons her when she becomes pregnant with his child. What a hero. To be fair to Eric, his character was marketed as "the world's most unlikeable super hero" — hence the "Irredeemable" part of his name — but still, that's cold, dude.
5. Green Lantern's Underage Girlfriend
Hal Jordon — the premiere Green Lantern — has always been a bit of a moral stiff. But despite his irritating righteousness, still he hasn't been able to avoid ending up on this list alongside Superman.
Strangely enough though, this is one of the creepier entries on the list. Remember that time Green Lantern had sex with a 14-year-old?
Some explanation: the girl in question was another Lantern, the alien Arisia Rrab who was introduced in the 1980s (all of these weird DC entries are from the 1980s, you may have noticed). She becomes a Lantern in her early teens, and develops a pretty intense crush on Hal who — keep this in mind — refers to her as "Little Sister" when they first team up.
At first Hal does exactly what you'd expect a grown man to do in this situation, he rejects her, gently at first and then more forcefully.
But Arisia doesn't give up. Her subconscious desire to be a woman worth of Hal's love causes her Power Ring to suddenly make her body age rapidly when she's trapped in a cave with Hal, making her physically a grown woman. She claims her mind has matured along with her body, but keep in mind she's still only fourteen years old.
Hal tells her again that he doesn't reciprocate his love for her, and Arisia says she won't give up, though she promises to dial it back a little bit in future. But by the time the rest of the Lanterns come to rescue them from the cave a mere few pages later, they're already getting it on.
And in case you're wondering if this was just a weird, one off thing — it wasn't. Their relationship continued for a long while after this, until Arisia suddenly decides to call it off, leaving the house they shared together.
You know, the Ryan Reynolds movie may have been bad, but it least it didn't have this creepy-ass subplot.