The following article contains violent and gory imagery.
In the year 2007 a guy named Marcus Koch decided to make a killer clown movie. So he made 100 Tears, which is a slasher movie on crack.
100 Tears is a mess of a movie. The script is juvenile. The acting makes me wince. Hell, I don't even know what the title means. But of course, it became a cult classic. And it's famous among underground slasher fans for its tons of cheap gore and high body count; on average there's a kill about every three minutes.
So, yeah, the whole thing is awful, but it's fun. That's because of the characters in the film, the plot, and what it taught me about life and the human body.
Gurdy is a circus clown. Twenty years ago he was wrongfully accused of rape. To get revenge, he killed the accusers. Then he randomly became a psychotic killer and spent the next two decades on a bloody rampage of indiscriminate torture and murder.
To really mess with your head, we don't have one killer, we have two! Shortly into the movie Christine suddenly pops up, a 20-year-old psycho girl who likes to cut people. And herself. She has a mysterious connection with Gurdy, even though they haven't ever met...
The tabloid reporters
Two putzy friends who write for a tabloid paper are trying to find an idea for their next article. Instead of writing about how the Titanic is sailing again, they decide to solve the mystery of the ongoing rampage of murder. I have no idea what their names are. That's how much I didn't care about them.
There's not much to say about the plot. It's hilariously awful - what there is of it. The reporters snoop around, examine crime scenes better than the cops, and make wisecracks at each other. The screenwriter didn't pay much attention to the story, because the movie is mostly concerned with the violence. There are scenes where our plucky reporters are discussing their theories, and then the camera will suddenly cut to the clown killing random people. Then it will cut back to the reporters, in mid-conversation. At first, I thought I was missing some subtle connections between the discussions and the clown. But no. It was just time to pause the talking so we can get to some some mutilation and killing.
Anyway, if you mix all these ingredients with a soundtrack that's a mix of industrial tech, goofy chase music, and the soundtrack from Hellraiser, you get a surprisingly educational movie.
What Did I Learn From It?
I learned five short but valuable lessons:
People's heads are kind of like clay.
I learned that if you slice a hatchet through someone's face, it will leave a wedge shape in their head.
Here's the scene:
And if you pause it, here's what I'm talking about:
I was lied to in school about human anatomy.
Now, this one is confusing, because it contradicts the previous lesson. But it turns out that if you stomp on someone's head, there are no brains inside.
Size doesn't matter if you're running as hard as you can.
I learned that a little person can outrun a full-sized man.
The insides of someone can come outside without too much trouble.
If you puncture someone's chest with a crowbar, you can immediately start to pull out their intestines. Who knew?
The human body is amazingly durable and resilient.
This might be the most important thing I learned. If you are laying on the ground, you can get hit in the back twice with a sledgehammer and both your back and spine will be fine. Nothing breaks. You can still get up and walk around.
100 Tears is a uniquely bad experience. But it's not meant to be taken seriously. So with the right friends and the right atmosphere, it can also be uniquely fun.