There. I said it. Hopefully, you haven't closed your browser window out of disgust, and you're still with me.
I really have no excuse for this. I want to blame it on John Travolta, who hasn't made a good movie since 2004, with Ladder 49 and The Punisher. Someday, he might return to the glory of his Face/Off days, but it's been almost 20 years since then, so...probably not.
But with Samuel L. Jackson (everything he's in is awesome) and Bruce Willis (also awesome) both being in this, among others, this can't be blamed on one of the lead actors. It's pure laziness on my part, plain and simple.
What I am familiar with, however, after having friends who have watched the movie multiple times over the past 22 years, are certain quotes and scenes from the movie. For instance, the ass watch and the heart-stabbing scenes. Thanks to YouTube, I'm a little TOO familiar with those.
What the hell am I blabbering about all this for? Well, you, the reader, get to witness history! The last 37-year-old male on the planet that hasn't watched Pulp Fiction is going to let you come along for an f-bomb laced NSFW ride. I've time-stamped when all of this happens, so if you want to watch the movie along with me as you read this, feel free!
And So It Begins, BAMFs
Hey, look, kids in my basement...we're gonna need headphones for this.
How nice! They define “pulp” for us. It's not only a soft, moist, shapeless mass of matter, but it's also a magazine or book containing lurid subject matter. Wtf does "lurid" mean? Google says something about explicit details of crime or sexual matters. I think I'm going to like this movie!
Holy crap...the lady just called the guy on the right a duck, and quacked at him. Dude on the right looks like he would slap her across the room for that!
Oh yeah, it just hit me. Part of what makes this movie a classic is all the awesome f-bomb laced quotes. Too bad I have to listen to these two call each other Pumpkin and Honey Bunny.
Jesus, Bunny and Pumpkin, just quit talking about robbing the place and rob it. I want to see someone go all coffee-pot-to-the-face on you like in A History of Violence.
I just realized this movie is two and a half hours long. I might need some drinks. And some snacks.
FINALLY! They're doing something besides talking...fucksicles. I just realized how much fun it might be to count the number of "fucks" that were muttered in this movie...oh well. I'm already 457 behind.
Ving Rhames...aw, yeah! This movie is really going to rock. But Eric Stoltz? He better make up for losing his Back to the Future gig. Mask was pretty dope, though. See that? I go for the deep cuts, you guys.
"Jungle Boogie!" Loved playing this song in high school & college pep band...brings back such good memories of Hot Damn and Aqua Net!
Vince and Jules just described Amsterdam and all the rules of hash, but I swear they were talking about Kansas if they legalize pot in the next few months. Fun fact: It's legal to buy, sell, and smoke in your own home, but not in public, and the cops can't search you. Yep, under Sam Brownback, Kansas weed laws would be that messed up.
Here's one of the most quoted parts of the movie, the "French Quarter Pounder with Cheese" discussion. Off to Google! *hits pause to fact check because I'm a professional*
Turns out, they were almost right:
Moment #1 I've been waiting for...the foot massage talk! And man, do these guys talk. Hearing John Travolta ask Samuel L. Jackson for a foot massage is right up there on my bucket list with paintballing with Arnold Schwarzenegger. Even if I don't want to think about Quentin Tarantino's foot fetish. Like ever.
They weren't kidding about being lurid. Yeesh.
That IS an interesting point about foot massages. It's three motherfuckin' minutes in the making, but a good point it is.
Holy hell, it's Moonlight Graham! See? Deep cuts.
Never had a cheeseburger for breakfast, but it's cool that he got a part in Luke Cage.
...I just realized that I can reference an Eric Stoltz movie and immediately place a supporting character from 1989's Field of Dreams, but this is the first time I've watched Pulp Fiction. I'm not sure what that says about me and I'm not gonna think about it.
That was the longest, most awkward drink of a tasty beverage ever. But if Samuel L. Jackson wanted a drink of your Sprite, wouldn't you oblige?
"WHAT." STOP SAYING "WHAT," BRETT. I'm just saying you should probably listen to Jules here. It's already not looking good for you.
Please excuse me. I just heard, “You read the bible, Brett?” I'm going to play this next part a few times, just so I can hear Samuel PREACH!
I wasn't kidding about playing this a few times over. Feel free to grab a snack or take a bathroom break or something.
Holy yippee ki-yay, Bruce Willis could win any staring contest on the planet. Over a minute with the same facial expression, and I think he only blinked once.
I'd be getting nervous about taking my gangster boss's wife out on a date too, Vega.
I know this movie is offbeat, but going from making us think that John Travolta and Bruce Willis are going to throw down, to talking about a tip of a penis? Quentin, you are one weird dude.
Starting to get a real Mr. Miller in Butterfly Effect vibe from Eric Stoltz. I half expect to see Ashton Kutcher pop out of the closet and call him a fuckbag.
Nobody makes shooting up heroin look quite as fun as Tarantino does.
"Son of a Preacher Man!" Pausing the movie to go watch that Dr. Pepper commercial from 19-Friggin'-97.
Well, I'll be, Steve Buscemi does do a damn fine Buddy Holly.
I bet this is the uncomfortable silence scene.
Yep. I was feeling a little uncomfortable.
"I said, goddamn!" I did not see that coke-but-actually-heroin-snorting scene in the bathroom coming! But...this is Tarantino, so that's on me, really.
It did involve the F-word..."foot!" This is becoming a really awkward conversation, Vince. Why'd you start it?
More awkwardness: a really awkward dance following an awkward conversation. It looked like me trying to get jiggy with it that one time after 3 tequila sunrises in 1997. But holy crap, they actually won! ...How.
EVERYTHING IS HAPPENING. Man, that was an intense 10 minutes. Lessons learned? Don't ever snort a mystery baggie of drugs you find in the jacket pocket of a guy you just met...it could be some really good (or bad) stuff. And if you're going to film a scene where an OD victim is going to get an adrenaline shot to the heart, film it in reverse and play it backwards!
Ketchup? I waited a half hour for that...awesome joke?! YES!
Oh, God...finally, the watch scene. Christopher Walken better live up to the hype! What I really want is a way to type like Christopher Walken talks.
Please tell me Bruce Willis doesn't have that watch up his ass.
Hey now, Butch...I'm American, and my name means “God has heard.” I have no idea what that means exactly, but it means what it means. ...Yeah.
Some parts of this movie would make a kick-ass drinking game. Every time a weird conversation goes over one minute, take a shot. Or if I really wanted to get toasted, one "fuck" dropped equals a shot. However, hearing Fabienne talk about how sexy pot bellies are on a woman was a little too in-depth. I am gonna use the line, “You want to make spoons?” on my wife later. She's gonna love it. I can tell.
But then Smooth Willis finds a way to get her to stop talking...holy hell, Mr. Fingers.
I'm half-tempted to Google what she says here, but I'm guessing it's either French for something about pot bellies, or Spanish for something about oral pleasure. Or spoons.
Dean Winchester approves that pie-for-breakfast statement, Fabienne!
Hey, Butch...if you would have kept the watch up your ass like your father, you wouldn't be having this conversation, now WOULD you? Although, I just realized how much I miss Sam Jackson. Where is that sideburned motherfucker?
Aw, blueberry pie.
WHAT. IN. THE. HELL. Did I know Butch shoots Vince? Maybe I did, but still, I did NOT see that coming.
That had to be the worst fingerprint dusting job I've ever seen. Hasn't he ever seen CSI...oh wait, never mind.
Okay. I was sitting here singing "Flowers on the Wall," totally expecting Jules to pop up in the back seat, scream an obscenity, preach a little, and blow Butch away. Really didn't expect Mr. Wallace to go waltzing in front of his car.
Dominatrix headgear? Really? I gotta say...I'm less surprised than I should be. I'm learning! This Zed fellow better be one BAMF.
Well holy crap, the 1,000,000th big name actor/actress to show up in this movie. I have no idea who he is, but I know I don't like him from his other roles.
Ah. Google tells me he's Peter Greene, and he was that big d-bag in The Mask (not to be confused with Mask from 2:28:43 up above) Now I know why I dislike him! Or at least the jerk characters he plays.
Okay, The Gimp is gonna make this movie even weirder.
What the hell...VING RHAMES. NO. I KNOW WHAT YOU'RE DOING TO HIM, AND THAT'S WHERE HE POOPS.
You better turn around soldier, and help Ving out. Remember that ass watch and all it stands for.
I'm gong to mentally block what I just saw Zed doing to Ving. No, no, no. Must not...ruin...Mission...Impossible...
But I'm glad that he shot Zed's dingo off...I was wondering what that big bloody thing flying through the air was.
Y'know, when you picture a famous actor saying one of the quotes you've heard of him saying, like, “Nah, man. I'm pretty fuckin' far from okay,” you definitely don't picture it with a BDSM ball-gag hanging around his neck. This warrants an extra long pause, just to screenshot and put this visual up here.
“Oh, that WHAT now.” I'd laugh, but he still has a shotgun and that gag around his neck. Marsellus is still is a bad, bad man.
It's a chopper. Don't worry about your Honda, Fabienne! You HAVE a CHOPPER!
No blueberry pancakes? Just buttermilk? Nobody said this movie was going to be a tragedy, too. But finally, I get to hear Bruce say, “Zed's dead, baby. Zed's dead.” No idea why I wanted to hear that so bad, but...yippee ki-yay?
So I'm finally at the fourth act, or whatever it's called. I promise, I'll try to write less from here on out. Unless we get more Samuel L. Jackson quotes.
Yes! More Bible quotes! Well, the same one, but more of it!
You missed every shot, Jerry Seinfeld! What is this, tryouts for Star Wars Stormtroopers???
OH, HELL! I couldn't pause it fast enough to say, "HOLD THAT GUN RIGHT, TRAVOLTA!!!" Dammit, man. Poor Marvin never saw it coming. "Ah, man, I shot Marvin." That made me laugh more than it should have.
Is...that Marvin's brain on Jules' ear?
Finally, definitive proof: Samuel L. Jackson saying “maxi pad” is just as badass as him screaming a Bible verse.
Was wondering when Tarantino was going to show up. Hope he's not as mad about his bloody towel as he was about his stolen car!
Man, Jimmy's a jerk. Oops, hold up...a Rattata popped up on my phone. Yes, I am one multiasking BAMF. Gotta catch 'em all!
Man, The Wolf is really polite. And punctual.
A "please" would be nice, but it's gonna get you killed, Vince. Oh wait...you're already dead. That's...unfortunate.
Another "holy crap" moment! Is Harvey Keitel the Jimmy John's guy? “I think fast, I talk fast”...yep, that's him!
He DID say with sugar on top, though.
Winston leaves no fingerprints behind...smooth.
Nice! Sam Jackson leads into Super Fly T.N.T. by dropping a double "motherfucker."
Man...poor Marvin. I haven't felt this sad for a brotha since Everyone Ate Chris on The Walking Dead.
Just so you know, I rewound this junkyard scene just so I could re-watch the puppies playing in the background. Don't judge.
Well, holy crap, here come Honey and Pumpkin! But first, I finally get to hear Jules go on about how bacon is gross. Didn't know this was a fantasy movie, too.
I think we're about to find out why God stopped them bullets...
Rewind time...hey, you can hear SLJ talking about eating his muffin.
And there's Vince!
Thank goodness he got away! Crap, I forgot again, Butch pumps his guts full of lead later. Er, in the timeline. Not in the movie. In the movie, he's already dead.
All I can hear right now is Brad Pitt screaming, “What's in the case? WHAT'S IN THE CASE???”
Three little Fonzies! Epic scene.
Vincent is a motherfuckin' ninja!!!
Wait...doesn't Jules read Ezekiel 25:17 when he's about to kill someone? I swear, if I heard anyone else besides Sam Jackson ramble this long about Bible verses, shepherds, and Fonzies, I'd go freaking crazy.
NO! DON'T PUT YOUR GUNS THERE, JULES! You could shoot something ELSE in the head! You've gone soft.
What, no post-credits scene? But Nick Fury was awesome in this movie!
If you made it this far, thanks for holding on!
Now, if you don't mind, it's time to see if that line about spoons really works.