Posted by Elle McFarlane @ellemcf
'There's always someone younger and hungrier coming down the stairs after you.'
Elle McFarlane

We all remember where we were the moment Sarah Michelle Gellar (in collaboration with Selma Blair) literally made time stop with that award winning Cruel Intentions kiss. But what if behind that fateful smooch something more complex, more mind-bending and generally more awe-inspiring was taking place. It beggars belief, but if there’s one thing a little bit of research into Gellar’s life proves, it is precisely that.

While her birth certificate states that she was born in New York City on April 14th 1977, if we’ve learnt anything from the likes of The Hills and The Kardashians it’s that reality is never quite what it seems. Having presented herself as both miraculously younger and older than her supposed age at multiple times throughout her career, it’s clear that Gellar does not conform to the standard model of maturation, and may in fact be operating in another dimension of time completely. Think Benjamin Button meets 2001, with a sprinkling of Death Becomes Her.

Delving deeper into the theory that Sarah Michelle Gellar is in fact an ageless being, here’s a detailed list of all the times she has defied age, and time, as we know it:


This is Sarah on her last birthday.

Notice how her rosy cheeks, bright eyes, tiara and the excessively ribbon-tied balloons make her look as though she could be any age between twelve and eighteen, or at least as How-Old.Net estimates, twenty seven?

Source: How-Old.Net
Source: How-Old.Net

Now, notice your sense of unease when I reveal that in this photo Sarah had actually just turned thirty nine. Thirty. Nine.

But that’s not all.

By her own admission Sarah acknowledges that both she and Thomas Jefferson celebrated their shared birthday together back in the eighteen hundreds:

But she dates herself as being even older.

Releasing this moving Insta-collage declaration of love, Gellar dates her marriage to Freddie Prinze Jr. to the Jurassic period, meaning that at this point, we can realistically state that Sarah could be anywhere between thirty nine and two hundred million years old.

But then again, how many two hundred million year olds do you know with a budding new start-up?

Becoming infected with some of that young entrepreneurial spirit so prevalent in the East Coast of California, Sarah Michelle founded Foodstirs, a start-up company which provides 'Foodcrafting kits for baking and creating memories:'

And in true youth culture style, upon opening her business to the public, Sarah immediately trolled her own product with a meme:

Before moving her office to the kids lounge in an airport

Proving that she has more in common with the young, quirky, twenty-something entrepreneurial elite than her supposed mid-life peerage group:

However, we must take into account the time she told Self Magazine the following, aging her at around sixty:

"I clip coupons all the time. Why should you pay more for something that someone else is paying less for?”

And the time she didn’t know what a gif was:

And the time she took a blurred selfie in a drug store to emphasize her ailments:

As well as the time she enlisted the help of three flamingo’s to carry her liquids for her:

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But then, she provided us with this photo:

Taken with her Buffy co-star Alyson Hannigan twelve years after the final Buffy episode had aired, Sarah made it look not only as though those twelves years were mere illusion, but the she was actually younger than her twenty-something Buffy-playing self:

This taken in combination with the fact that she has mad Pokemon Go knowledge:

Looks worryingly normal on a bike made for a six year old:

Chews gum like a teenager:

Obsesses over Harry Potter:

Likes to put all her kitchen spoons in her mouth at once:

Dresses up as a bunny in her home:

And counts Elmo of Sesame Street fame in her close inner circle

Which all goes to indicate that Sarah Michelle can simultaneously be a child, a teenager and a twenty-something dependent on how she feels at any given moment:

Which makes this shout-out to fellow immortal and Buffy co-star, David Boreanaz, all the more poignant:

As does this photo with well-known eternal being Betty White:

So, to conclude, it would seem that when all is said and done and the potent cocktail of global warming and mans-wrath has scorched the earth, Sarah Michelle Gellar, along with Betty White and David Boreanaz will be left to populate the new world, and what a glorious new dawn(!), that’ll be.

Relic Of The Jurassic Period Or Eternal Beacon Of Youth, Do You Think Sarah Michel Gellar Is In Fact An Ageless Eternal Being?

Oh, and in case you forgot: