The House of Mouse teases 'Star Wars' Disneyland ride
I've got a (?) feeling about this.
Now that we've gotten used to the idea of Master Yoda belonging to the same guys who brought us The Little Mermaid II: Return to the Sea, it should come as a surprise to no one that the fragment of Disney's Galactic Empire that is their Theme Park subdivision will at one point include a Star Wars attraction.
Via slashfilm, we got to sneak a peek at the props currently being exhibited inside the Imagineering Pavilion at the D23 expo. The tease is a Gundark's nest full of Easter eggs for SW fans, although they're about as subtle as Chewie's armpits and as revealing as Queen Amidala's royal garb (seriously, watching poor tween Natalie Portman buried under 2 metric tons of cloth stands out as an uncomfortable moment in that epitome of agony that was Phantom Menace). In any case, the objects we finally get to lay our eyes on are nothing other than... box crates. Yeah, boxes with labels on 'em. If Disney were promoting another Indiana Jones ride, it'd make a bit more sense; but hey, if this is the best the masterminds at the Magic Kingdom could come up with, they'd better have a big-ass announcement up their sleeves for this weekend about Star Wars: Episode VII, or else this tea is weaker than the minds of droid-seeking Stormtroopers #1 and #2.
These boxes proudly stand in the center of the pavilion, many of them bearing the marking 'Orange Harvest.' That reference will not be lost on many fans, as they all know that the fake production title of Star Wars Episode VI: Return of the Jedi was none other than 'Blue Harvest.' So they've changed the color to orange because Disneyland's in the middle of California's Orange County. Huh.
Right under the OC reference is the subtitle "Speculation Beyond Imagination." Sure Disney, I bet nobody has started speculating on the new trilogy yet, thank the Force you're reminding us to do it! I'm not sure if that speculation is referring to the theme park attraction or to the films; if it is the former, I'll venture a guess that it will basically turn out to be a huge moisture farm-based complex with a range of features targeting different age groups and containing all kinds of plastic displays of droids, X-wings and lightsabers. Maybe we'll get a guy in a Jar-Jar Binks costume forced to pose for pictures and spew grammatically incoherent sentence fragments at the kids (tough job, I can imagine some hardcore fan punching the poor worker in the face for representing the utter destruction of his childhood, I sure hope it doesn't come to that and that Disney conveniently ostracizes the infamous character forever).
This box apparently contains something pretty explosive, although with the label's minimalist design it's hard to tell what exactly it is that's blowing up. The first thing that jumps to mind is obviously the Death Star(s); and it almost definitely is the planet-eviscerating space station, although it leaves one wondering how they managed to put a hunk of metal the size of a moon inside a modest wooden box. And they probably shouldn't advertise the explosion risk, it's officially supposed to be indestructible, for Mace Windu's sake. If your theory differs from mine, please enlighten me, 'cause I'm pretty much at a loss as to what to make of this one.
This second box excitingly contains a 12-pack of bantha milk, or 'blue milk' as it is more commonly known throughout the galaxy. The creamy substance is renowned for its deliciousness, and now you can slurp it at home too! The recipe is as follows: 1) Put some blue food coloring in your milk and 2) stir. Sheesh, sounds complicated.
More gastronomical treats: this time, it's Rancor food! I always thought those majestic reptomammals only feasted on blond Jedi who happened to fall into their cozy little pits, but apparently there's a canned alternative as well! Makes sense, since the proud creatures also possess nifty little can openers instead of fingers attached to their forearms (see image below).
Now it starts getting interesting:
Hmmm, 'top secret' plans? This is the one instance where a few actual hints for the attraction or even for the future trilogy might be found. Unfortunately, we are only able to see a very limited amount of words in the pics, notably "Jedi" and "scooter." Didn't really do much for me, but perhaps one of the more alert readers could clue us in as to what this might mean.
Looks like somebody ordered a batch of assorted high-grade weaponry on eBay... by the looks of those holes in the box, they apparently forgot to activate the safety mechanism, and we all know who'll keep the purple one anyway. Not everybody's a big fan of the flashy katanas, though. As some wise guy once said:
Hokey religions and ancient weapons are no match for a good blaster at your side, kid.
I'll take his smuggler's word for it.
The bantering droids are back! No one really doubts that the comedic duo will appear in the upcoming sequels, but do they really want to? They've been serving Skywalkers for quite a while now, and by the looks of the pictures above they might have gotten a bit tired of their bondage and decided to escape! Especially everyone's favorite hyperactive beeping astromech Arr Two Dee Too, who has left a pretty artistic hole in his wooden cage during his big getaway. And even though we can't gleam if C3P-0 has also now become a fugitive or if he got left behind by his bro, I'm pretty sure the British-accented protocol droid wasn't too happy about being stashed in an upside-down container. Man, I bet he didn't stop complaining during the whole Tatooine-Anaheim trip.
And, to wrap things up a bit... here's a bunch of leftover photos (not really worth commenting) so you can save yourself the trouble of driving to sunny CA in the summer and dishing out 166 bucks for a 3-day D23 admission ticket:
Alright, fellow starwoids, what's your take on this mildly-interesting, though absolutely non-revealing tease of the Star Wars Disneyland ride? What do you think the Disney attraction will look like? Will it include some virtual reality TIE battles and a Millennium Falcon ride (now that'd be awesome)? If it does, I'm definitely gonna make the OC run in a lot less than 12 parsecs (I know, I know, a parsec is a unit of length, not of time; but for the love of Sidious just go along with it, it's a memorable quote). Unleash your inner Rancors in the comments down yonder!
Star Wars: Episode VII will premiere in theaters a long, long time from now.