We all know how this story goes. Eccentric billionaire with too much wealth and ambition constructs a technology to benefit makind and inadvertently triggers the apocalypse. Except, this isn’t a movie, this is happening in real life. Not content to come up with worrying creations all of their own making, these ‘scientists’ have chosen movies as their inspiration for their life changing advances. Movies where it didn’t end well at all. This, to me, speaks volumes on the hubris of mankind, but that isn’t as interesting a discussion as actually looking at the 5 crazy film-related things below that could bring about our ruin. Granted, if you’re going to die, who doesn’t want to go out being devoured by a velociraptor? Clever girl…
Billionaire Working On Jurassic Park
Last year we reported that eccentric Australian billionaire Clive Palmer was developing a real live Jurassic Park at his Palmer Resort in Coolum, Australia. He’s totally down with the whole idea of caging creatures that simply weren’t meant to be and has even made advances in the same nonsensical technology that well meaning nutjob John Hammond in the movie developed. He obviously stopped watching the movie after the scene where Alan Grant falls to his knees in wonder at the beautiful majesty of the apatosaurus’ drinking in the lake. He should have listened to Ian Malcolm’s words in The Lost World: “Yeah first it’s ooh and ahh but later it’s running and screaming.” You can read out full article here.
Zombie Cells Being Developed In Lab
This week we reported that in a lab in the University of New Mexico, scientists have been conducting tests on ‘zombie cells’ which can operate in conditions that no living cells possibly could. These ‘zombie cells’ are technically dead, as they’re coated in a silca solution that appears to suffocate the cell but continue its functions. DEAD BUT CONTINUES TO FUNCTION. Do you know what else does that? Did you get that? All it takes is one patient zero who fancies himself a lab rat and gets injected with this stuff and it’s game over. Run to your families. Run to them and hold them close, because the end is coming. You can read the full article here.
Same Billionaire Working On Titanic 2
Clive Palmer clearly has all the monies. Not content to rest on his laurels with a real life Jurassic Park full of sprinting death reptiles, the billionaire Australian has failed to finish another 90s blockbuster. Clearly, after watching the opening scene in which the beautiful, but doomed ship left Southampton, England, Palmer left his personal cinema and began working on a life size, functional replica. This thing is happening. Radar Online reports that Palmer has organized more than 40,000 people to take part in a re-enactment of the fatefull voyage. Because it went SO well last time. Palmer said:
The area [for] passengers will be authentic, with the same design and facilities. But there will be modern things such as air conditioning and other features we are debating, such as internet on the ship. [It’s a] tribute to the spirit of the men and women who worked on the original Titanic.
Because what the men and women of the Titanic really want, is company.
Illinois University Developing Spidey-Senses Suit
This might not have the same portents of doom attached to it that the above technologies do, but let me explain why it will, in fact, be the end of us all. Victor Mateevitsi of the University of Illinois in Chicago (Clive Palmer has no hand in this one, sorry) has devised a suit called SpiderSense that converts ulstrasonic reflections into pressure on the body. This means when something gets close to you or enters your periferary, you feel it. Mateevitsi (supervillain name) even tested the suit by equipping blinfolded test subjects with the suit and some ninja throwing stars. He reported:
Ninety five per cent of the time they were able to sense someone approaching and throw the star at them.
Throwing stars. Thrown at people. When you can’t see them. This might seem awesome to you while sitting at home wishing you were Spider-Man, but it’s totally not. You and an assailant are in a warehouse, it’s dark in there, but you know the warehouse, you have the element of surprise. Not anymore. As soon as you move — THWICK! Throwing star in the neck. Read our full report on the suit here.
Japan Gives Robot Exoskeletons The Green Light
First of all, the above ninja robot suit is called a Hybrid Assisted Limb, or freakin’ HAL for short. Yeah, I’ll let that sink in for second. For those that don’t know HAL was a homicidal artificial intelligence in a Stanley Kubrick movie. Homicidal. He murdered astronauts. This new technology was given a safety thumbs up by the thorough Japanese safety officials who called it perfect for the elderly or disabled. The company that came up with this pair of ROBOT LEGS THAT WALK FOR YOU is called Cyberdyne. You know, the company that invented Skynet, which begot the Terminator? Chances are this is just a neat joke amongst geeky scientists who get a chuckle out of us normies spreading mass hysteria. These artificial legs work by detecting muscles movements, and then making that movement for you in whatever direction you intended to go. Except, when they stop wanting to do that. The image that flashes before my eyes when I close them tonight will be a pair of creepy white cyber legs speedily walking my grandma into oncoming traffic at 1am while she’s still asleep dreaming about Matlock. Check out my source here.
So there you have it. 5 perfectly logical ways the world could end in a puff of fire and electricity tomorrow morning. Don’t worry though. Whether it’s a chicken-dinosaur hybrid ripping your kids out of their beds while they sleep, zombies smashing down your front door, your relatives sinking to the bottom of the ocean, invisible spider-ninjas, or just good old fashioned robot legs walking us all into a volcano, you can bet he world will end soon. We haven’t quite invented the apocalypse just yet, but don’t worry, we’re nearly there.