ByElle McFarlane, writer at
'There's always someone younger and hungrier coming down the stairs after you.'
Elle McFarlane

While the rest of us mere mortals typically name our progeny after royalty, religious icons or inspiring soap opera characters, celebrities notoriously dance to the beat of their own bizarrely named drum. From David Bowie's 'Zowie' all the way through to Jena Malone's 'Ode Mountain' and Chief Keef's little cherub 'Sno FilmOn Dot Com Cozart,' since the dawn of time celebs have struggled to let their children dip their fresh baby toes in the pool of normalcy but for one second.

So join me as I go on an epic celebrity baby-naming retrospective, exposing what, for us common folk, these 101 weird celebrity baby names actually sound like to our un-trained, un-worthy ears.

1. Banjo Patrick

Celebrity Parent(s): Rachel Griffiths (Muriel's Wedding)

Sounds Like: A gum-toothed old hillbilly with a wandering eye

2. Ace Knute

Celebrity Parent(s): Jessica Simpson (musician) & Eric Johnson (NFL Player)

Sounds Like: A slang term for complimenting someone's outfit, e.g. "Hey Barney, ace knute, you're looking simultaneously woke and lit."

3. Tu (Simone Ayer) Morrow

Celebrity Parent(s): Rob Morrow (Numb3rs) & Debbon Ayer (Eternal Sunshine of the Spotless Mind)

Sounds Like: The day after next

4. Atom Pike

Celebrity Parent(s): Rosamund Pike (Gone Girl)

Sounds Like: A weapon of mass destruction concealed within a grotesque fish

5&6. Dusti Raine & Keelee Breeze

Celebrity Parent(s): Vanilla Ice (Ice Ice Baby)

Sounds Like: The impending signs of the apocalypse / cleaning products

7. Bear Blaze

Celebrity Parent(s): Kate Winslet (Titanic) & Ned Rocknroll (Richard Branson's nephew)

Sounds Like: Winnie the Pooh in mortal peril, or, for the stoners among us, this picture.

8. Kal-El

Celebrity Parent(s): Nicolas Cage (Wild at Heart)

Sounds Like: Superman

9. Satchel Ronan O'Sullivan

Celebrity Parent(s): Mia Farrow (Rosemary's Baby), Woody Allen (Annie Hall) or possibly Frank Sinatra

Sounds Like: The beginning of the school year

10. Memphis Eve

Celebrity Parent(s): (Sir) Bono (U2)

Sounds Like: When Cher hijacked Christmas

11-13. Kingston James Mcgregor, Zuma Nesta Rock and Apollo Bowie Flynn

Celebrity Parent(s): Gwen Stefani (musician) and Gavin Rossdale (musician)

Sounds Like: Word association

14. Puma

Celebrity Parent(s): Erykah Badu (musician and activist) & The D.O.C. (musician)

Sounds Like: A trainer

15. Audio Science

Celebrity Parent(s): Shannyn Sossamon (Kiss Kiss Bang Bang)

Sounds Like: A cry for help (see below)

16. Ever Gabo

Celebrity Parent(s): Mila Jovovich (Resident Evil) & Paul W. S. Anderson (dir. Resident Evil)

Sounds Like: Greta Gabo's zombie alter-ego

17. Stella Zavala

Celebrity Parent(s): Matt Damon (Bourne Ultimatum)

Sounds Like: 'Av a banana

18. Seven Sirius

Celebrity Parent(s): Andre 3000

Sounds Like: Multiple Snapes

19. Axl Jack

Celebrity Parent(s): Fergie (musician) & Josh Duhamel (Transformers)

Sounds Like: A car part / a bloated aging rockstar

20-22. Rumer Glenn, Scout Larue and Tallulah Belle

Celebrity Parent(s): Bruce Willis (Die Hard) and Demi Moore (Striptease)

Sounds Like: Characters from Peter Pan

23. Exton Elias

Celebrity Parent(s): Robert Downey Jr. (Iron Man)

Sounds Like: A dermatological condition

24&25. Sunday Rose and Faith Margaret

Celebrity Parent(s): Nicole Kidman (Moulin Rouge) and Keith Urban (musician)

Sounds Like: Your Grandma and her friend from church

26. Jermajesty

Celebrity Parent(s): Jermaine Jackson (musician, brother of Michael and Janet)

Sounds Like: The disastrous project of a royal ego

27&28. Moxie CrimeFighter and Zolten Penn

Celebrity Parent(s): Penn Jillette (magician)

Sounds Like: A hot mess

29. Sage Moonblood

Celebrity Parent(s): Sylvester Stallone (Rocky)

Sounds Like: A new-age oracle who specializes in menstruation

30. Silas Randall

Celebrity Parent(s): Justin Timberlake (musician) and Jessica Biel (Blade Trinity)

Sounds Like: A die-hard member of the Knights Watch

31. Xander Dane

Celebrity Parent(s): January Jones (X-Men: First Class)

Sounds Like: The long overdue sequel to Xanadu

32-36. Daisy Boo Pamela, Poppy Honey Rosie, Petal Blossom Rainbow, River Rocket Oliver and Buddy Bear Maurice

Celebrity Parent(s): Jamie Oliver (Celebrity chef)

Sounds Like: The ingredients of a nauseatingly sweet alcohol-free cocktail

37. Bronx Mowgli

Celebrity Parent(s): Ashlee Simpson (musician) and Pete Wentz (musician)

Sounds Like: A hard-edged youth who wears nothing but a red loin cloth and whose best friends are a big blue musical bear and J-Lo.

38. Coco Riley

Celebrity Parent(s): Courtney Cox (Friends) and David Arquette (Scream)

Sounds Like: A breakfast cereal

39. Camera

Celebrity Parent(s): Arthur Ashe (Tennis player)

Sounds Like: A camera


40&41. Alabama Gypsyrose and Waylon Albert Blackjack

Celebrity Parent(s): Drea de Matteo (Desperate Housewives) and Shooter Jennings (musician)

Sounds Like: The bawdy bar wench and notorious local scoundrel of an amateur dramatics wild west musical.

42. Aviana Olea

Celebrity Parent(s): Amy Adams (Enchanted) and Darren Le Gallo (Date Night)

Sounds Like: A beachside retreat for menopausal women

43. Pilot Inspektor

Celebrity Parent(s): Jason Lee (Mallrats) Beth Riesgraf (Leverage)

Sounds Like: A profession made up in a drunken stupor to impress a potential romantic partner at the bar whilst simultaneously slurring and swaying wildly.

44. Chance Armstrong and Cannon Edward

Celebrity Parent(s): Larry King (TV host)

Sounds Like: A progressive list of things you present to your partner when you discover they've been cheating.

45-48. Poet Sienna, Jagger Joseph Blue, Lyric Sonny Roads and Story

Celebrity Parent(s): Soleil Moon Fry (Sabrina Teenage Witch) and Jason Goldberg (prod. The Butterfly Effect)

Sounds Like: An aging troupe of hippies who live in their VW after failing to make a living selling daisy chains and soup made from healing crystals.

49. Blue Ivy

Celebrity Parent(s): Beyoncé (musician) and Jay-Z (musician)

Sounds Like: Money

50. Blanket

Celebrity Parent(s): Michael Jackson (Singer)

Sounds Like: Say what you see in the maternity ward

51&52. Honor Marie and Haven Garner

Celebrity Parent(s): Jessica Alba (Sin City) and Cash Warren (In the Blood)

Sounds Like: Two champion dressage horses.

53. Everly

Celebrity Parent(s): Channing Tatum (G.I.Joe) and Jenna Dewan (American Horror Story)

Sounds Like: The premature end to half-hearted fairytale

54-57. Moon Unit, Dweezil, Diva Muffin and Ahmet Emuukha Rodma

Celebrity Parent(s): Frank Zappa

Sounds Like: Acid

58. Ryder Russell

Celebrity Parent(s): Kate Hudson (Almost Famous) and Matt Bellamy (musician)

Sounds Like: An inappropriate dance move adopted by the youth involving lots of floor-hovering twerking add the odd intermittent clap.

59. Destry Allyn

Celebrity Parent(s): Steven Spielberg (dir. E.T.) Kate Capshaw (Indiana Jones and the Temple of Doom)

Sounds Like: A plague from the middle ages

60&61. Apple and Moses

Celebrity Parent(s): Gwyneth Paltrow (Iron Man) and Chris Martin (musician)

Sounds Like: The sad prelude to a conscious uncoupling

62 - 65. Neriah, Sierra, Heaven Rain, Shaya Braven

Celebrity Parent(s): Brooke Burke (Rock Star) and Garth Fisher (plastic surgeon) and David Charvet (musician)

Sounds Like: A retrospective of AVN award winners.

66 & 67. Diezel Ky and Denim Cole

Celebrity Parent(s): Toni Braxton (musician) and Keri Lewis (musician)

Sounds Like: A knock-off pair of Levi's

68&69. North and Saint

Celebrity Parent(s): Kim Kardashian (sex tape) and Kanye West (musician)

Sounds Like: Children of the Messiah

70&71. Harlow Winter and Sparrow James Midnight

Celebrity Parent(s): Nicole Richie (The Simple Life) and Joel Maddon (musician)

Sounds Like: Bleak Dickensian landscapes filled with nothing but loss and grief

72&73. Ever Imre and Onyx Solace

Celebrity Parent(s): Alanis Morisette (musician) and Mario 'Souleye' Treadway (musician)

Sounds Like: A typo and a lonely Pokemon

74&75. Hazel Patricia and Phinnaeus Walter

Celebrity Parent(s): Julia Roberts (Pretty Woman) and Daniel Moder (cinematographer, Secrets in Their Eyes)

Sounds Like: An elderly couple who do nothing but sit out on their front porch and bicker about who's turn it is to renew the subscription to SAGA magazine.

76 - 78. Amber Rose Tamara, Tallulah Pine and Saffron Sahara

Celebrity Parent(s): Simon Le Bon (musician) and Yasmin Le Bon (model)

Sounds Like: Cheap perfumes your mum would dose herself in in the '80s before going to dance around her handbag.

79 - 83. Rocket Valentin, Racer Maximilliano, Rebel Antonio, Rogue Joaquin and Rhiannon

Celebrity Parent(s): Robert Rodriguez (dir. Sin City) and Elizabeth Avellan (prod. Predators)

Sounds Like: They've already given up on their daughter

84. Piper Maru

Celebrity Parent(s): Gillian Anderson (The X-Files)

Sounds Like: A character with a heart of gold but a dark past that a dying teen drama introduces in season six in a desperate attempt to claw back some ratings.

85&86. Arpad Flynn Alexander and Aurelius Cy Andrea

Celebrity Parent(s): Elle Macpherson (model)

Sounds Like: You're poorer than they could ever imagine

87. Frances Bean

Celebrity Parent(s): Kurt Cobain (musician) and Courtney Love (musician)

Sounds Like: Teen spirit

88. Bluebell Madonna

Celebrity Parent(s): Geri Halliwell (musician) and Sacha Gervasi (dir. Hitchcock)

Sounds Like: A conical breast wearing drag queen

89 - 91. Gabriel Kane, Ronan Cal and Cashel Blake

Celebrity Parent(s): Daniel Day-Lewis (There Will Be Blood) and Isabelle Adjani (Posession) and Rebecca Miller (dir. Angela)

Sounds Like: A triage of crime fighting mutant-human hybrids

92. Suri

Celebrity Parent(s): Tom Cruise (Top Gun) and Katie Holmes (Batman Begins)

Sounds Like: Apple's deaf and domineering 'intelligent assistant'

93-96. Helene 'Leni,' Henry Günther Ademola Dashtu, Johan Riley Fyodor Taiwo and Lou Sulola

Celebrity Parent(s): Heidi Klum (model), Flavio Briatore (Formula One) and Seal (musician)

Sounds Like: A tongue twister

97. Heavenly Hiraani Tiger Lily

Celebrity Parent(s): Paula Yates (TV Host) and Michael Hutchence (musician)

Sounds Like: The decrepit 'pan-Asian-themed' honeymoon sweet of a godforsaken motel

99 -101. Brooklyn, Romeo, Cruz and Harper Seven

Celebrity Parent(s): David Beckham (footballer) and Victoria Beckham (musician)

Sounds Like: Good breeding

So, Which Celeb Child Do You Think Has The Craziest Name Of All?


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