What links Amanda Bynes, Lindsay Lohan, Shia LaBeouf and Mischa Barton? Aside from their humongous bank balances, inflated egos and jet-setting lifestyles, all four of them were child stars, all four of them have at least one DUI and all four of them have suffered from the celebrity curse of 1986. Born in the year of Top Gun, Van Halen and the launch of the human genome project, these young celebrities have been the innocent victims of their damned birth year, practically redefining the term 'Hollywood meltdown' as we now know it today.
Wracking up some of the most impressive and elaborate breakdowns between them, it's worth taking a more in-depth look at just how they were each touched by the curse, and how they managed to rid themselves of it.
Cursed Child No.1: Amanda Bynes
Sweet, cherub Amanda first burst onto our screens in the kids live-action comedy show All That in the early ‘00s before earning her very own spin-off, The Amanda Show. From here she rose to international acclaim in Lovewrecked and She’s the Man, featured on the front of Vanity Fair and debuted in that well known prophecy of doom, Teen People’s ’25 Hottest Stars Under 25.’
Then came her revered role as Penny Singleton in Hairspray, a role in Living Proof and what was to be her last film feature to date, Easy A starring alongside Emma Stone and Lisa Kudrow. Billed to star in Hall Pass, alarm bells began to ring when she was suddenly replaced by Alexandra Daddario due to ‘scheduling conflicts,’ which is Hollywood speak for ‘irreconcilable differences due to impending crazy.’
Cue Amanda’s dramatic transformation from precious angel, to agent of the damned and the celebrity curse of '86 coming out in full force.
Actions taken whilst Possessed
- Action: Taking to Twitter to announce her retirement from acting at just 24 saying ‘If I don’t love something anymore I stop doing it.’
- Result: One month later, she takes to Twitter to announce her official un-retirement.
- Action: Between March and September 2012 Amanda gets stopped by the police for: Talking on her phone whilst driving, drunk driving, two hit and runs, swiping another man’s car, crashing into another car, driving without headlights, driving without a license.
- Result: Amanda, for the sake of us all, loses her driving license.
- Action: She requests Drake ‘murder’ her vagina.
- Result: Speculatively, her vagina remains alive.
- Action: Throwing a bong out of her apartment window.
- Result: Getting charged with reckless endangerment, tampering with evidence and possession of marijuana. She attends court in a blonde witch-like wig and has a few fake pink nails on one hand.
How Amanda Exorcised Her Celebrity Curse:
1. She got a microchip removed from her brain
2. She decided to study fashion, which prevents her from spending much time on Twitter
Cursed Child No.2: Mischa Barton
Racking up roles in Lawn Dogs, Notting Hill, The Sixth Sense and Lost in Delirious, Mischa Barton became a household name in her role as Marissa Cooper (RIP) on the American teen drama The O.C. So great was the impact she made with her portrayal of Marissa that she was given the huge accolade of Entertainment Weekly’s ‘It Girl’ of 2003. However, after being killed off from The O.C. things began to spiral out of control.
Getting caught driving down the middle of the road and failing to signal whilst drunk and in possession of a sizable amount of marijuana without a license just two days after Christmas in 2007, Mischa began to show all the symptoms of a child cursed with the bad fortune of being born in 1986.
Actions taken whilst Possessed:
- Action: Driving while drunk, driving without a license.
- Result: A court-ordered visit to rehab and a demand to spend time with a ‘sober coach.’
- Action: Passing out after an overdose of Xanax.
- Result: A family staged intervention and incarceration in the same charmed psychiatric ward that both Britney Spears and Amanda Bynes were held in.
- Action: Refusing to pay three months rent (at seven thousand dollars a month).
- Result: Getting sued.
- Action: Opening the Harrods Sale in London, completely high.
- Result: This video.
- Action: Whilst hosting an event at "Harrahs" she ordered a bottle of champagne and a bottle of tequila and sat doing shots, by herself.
- Result: Fear from those within her general proximity.
- Action: Suing her own mother for ‘breach of contract’ and ‘theft’ over a house they co-own in Beverly Hills.
- Result: Awkward Christmases from now until the end of time.
- Action: Signing a contract to play the lead role in the film Promoted but going on holiday to Europe with a mystery man 'Alan' and tweeting about it just as filming was about to commence.
- Result: A two hundred thousand dollar fine.
But then again, wouldn’t you skip town if you were set to star in this?
How Mischa Exorcised Her Celebrity Curse:
1. She became a participant on Dancing with the Stars
2. She started wearing hats
3. She started retweeting creepy praise of her own body
4. And started sharing her ‘friends' videos on her instagram:
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Cursed Child No.3: Shia LaBeouf
Like all young brilliant stars, Shia was forged in the Disney Channel. Springboarding to fame as Louis Stevens in Even Stevens and winning a Daytime Emmy in 2003 for the role, he followed up his success by making his film debut in Holes. Shortly after he was given the role of Sam Witwicky in the Transformers franchise and hit the big time with a flood of film roles becoming available to him, going on to star in Indian Jones, Wall Street: Money Never Sleeps, Lawless, Nymphomaniac and Fury.
However, Shia’s life has been plagued by the darkness of the curse. At just eighteen he was arrested and charged for assault with a deadly weapon after threatening his neighbor by driving into his car. This bizarre altercation apparently took place because Shia was fed up of waiting for his neighbor to give him access to the garage as he blocked the path by chatting to his girlfriend. Once safely parked in the garage, Shia then went to call on his neighbor and casually waved a kitchen knife in his face. From here, the curse began to take full effect as he spiraled down a strange neurotic path which resulted in some truly surprising life choices.
Actions Taken While Possessed:
- Action: Refusing to leave well-known American pharmacy chain, Walgreens.
- Result: Arrested for misdemeanor criminal trespassing.
- Action: Starting a fight in Mad Bull’s Tavern Bar in Sherman Oaks.
- Result: Getting punched in the face, and arrested.
- Action: Urinating on the wall of The Local Peasant Restaurant, also in Sherman Oaks.
- Result: A lifetime ban from The Local Peasant Restaurant.
- Action: Chasing a homeless man and demanding he give him his McDonalds.
- Result: Not managing to steal the McDonalds.
- Action: Yelling at and insulting the performers mid-performance during a packed show of Cabaret in Studio 54, New York.
- Result: Getting arrested.
- Action: Plagiarizing the comic Justin M. Damiano by Dan Clowes, including the opening monologue word-for-word in his short film Howard Cantour.com.
- Result: Copy and pasting an apology written three years earlier on Yahoo! Answers and a year later tweeting a description for another ‘new’ project, Daniel Boring, which was an exact copy of Clowe's comic David Boring. Clowes’s lawyer has since sent a cease-and-desist letter to Shia, which he then posted on twitter.
He later apologized by hiring a plane to skywrite like any nice, normal individual would.
- Action: Wearing a paper bag with ‘I’m not famous anymore’ written on it at the Nymphomaniac premiere at Berlinale.
- Result: Was the biggest prick at the festival that year.
How Shia Exorcised His Celebrity Curse:
1. He got two matching tattoo’s of Missy Elliot on his knees.
Even though he's not a huge Missy fan, he said that the peer pressure of being in a tattoo parlor that made him do it.
2. He turned down the role of playing Lieutenant GQ Edwards in that most cursed film of 2016, Suicide Squad
3. He uses Twitter to conduct meaningful polls with his followers
Cursed Child No.4: Lindsay Lohan
Oh Li-Lo, the original poster child for the crazy class of ’86, where do we begin. Bursting into popular consciousness in her convincing portrayal as a pair of identical twins in Disney’s Parent Trap in 1998, Lindsay went from strength to strength, going on to star alongside Jamie Lee Curtis in Freaky Friday in 2003 before being given her iconic role as Cady Heron in 2004’s Mean Girls.
From here, however, her fortunes wained, starring in Just My Luck which received poor reviews, a series of smaller independent films and releasing two albums which sold well but were critically panned before collapsing ‘with exhausion’ on set of the 2007 film Georgia Rule. However, things began to get particularly salty when a letter from studio exec James G. Robinson said that Lindsay was irresponsible, and her 'exhaustion' was a direct result of all her heavy partying. Queue getting arrested for her first DUI and thus easing her way into the vortex of the celebrity meltdown.
Actions Taken While Possessed:
- Action: Two weeks after leaving rehab for the first time, Lindsay is arrested for possession of cocaine and driving under the influence.
- Result: A prison sentence of a single day (of which she ultimately served eighty four minutes), community service and three years probation.
- Action: Suing E-trade for featuring a baby called Lindsay in their Super Bowl ad, who’s described as a ‘milkaholic.’
- Result: Case is settled out of court.
- Action: Suing Pitbull for saying he ‘had it locked up like Lindsay Lohan’ in his 2010 track ‘Give Me Everything.'
- Result: Losing.
- Action: Raiding a sweatshop in India.
- Result: Lindsay claims to have saved the lives of forty children that day.
- Action: Hitting a baby stroller with her car.
- Result: Getting sued by the nanny of said baby stroller.
- Action: Feeling bored, Lindsay decided to post a series of photos of herself to Twitter, topless.
- Result: A general feeling of empowerment.
How Lindsay Has Exorcised Her Celebrity Curse
1. She has been to Rehab six times
2. She’s planning on running for president in 2020
3. And she spends a lot of time relaxing at the beach:
Do you think the curse of '86 has really been lifted for these tragic Celebs?