It isn't just blood that gets splashed on the sheets in American Horror Story, with Ryan Murphy's horror anthology containing more tits and torture than your average episode of Game of Thrones. Over the past six seasons #AmericanHorrorStory has had us reaching for the cushion (and sometimes the tissues) with its cocktail of #horror and sex. So far we have seen bestiality, incest, necrophilia, and even the token gimp suit as our cast of sexed-up actors have written the world's weirdest Kama Sutra. As we head into the seventh season, and a proposed election theme, will we see an infamous blue suit with white markings, or will #RyanMurphy go for something a little more subtle?
Forget Ron Jeremy and move over Christian Grey, AHS has you licked in the sex stakes; literally putting the f*ck in WTF, just what are the 10 most messed up sex scenes in American Horror Story history? Lock the door, delete your browser history, and change the sheets, because here we go:
1. Jimmy's Tupperware Party - 'Freak Show'
Plastic and fantastic tupperware parties may seem like something from a bygone era, but the fourth season of Horror Story made them relevant again, while bringing a whole new meaning to the word sausage fingers. You may remember that Evan Peters played Jimmy "Lobster Boy" Darling, a man whose girthy appendage came north of the border. Instead of languishing as a "freak," Jimmy decided to make some cash on the side off the Bree Van De Kamp's of this world.
It wasn't quite keys in the bowl, but under the guise of a tupperware party, Darling would pleasure curious housewives who were dissatisfied in the bedroom. His fantastic flippers seemed to keep the suburbanites pretty happy until their gruesome farewell. Later in the series, the vicious Dandy Mott slaughtered the housewives at said tupperware party and blamed Jimmy for their murders. I'm sure Jimmy was VERY popular in jail.
2. Leo and Teresa - 'Asylum'
Everyone likes to be a bit adventurous in the bedroom, but a honeymoon tour of murder sites hardly seems like nature's viagra. If banging amongst cobwebs and tuberculosis sufferers is your thing, roll on up to the disused Briarcliff Manor to give you a woody.
Adam Levine's guest spot on Asylum was nowhere near as illustrious as his music career and he barely had time to get to the "Payphone" before he was caused a whole load of "Misery" by Bloody Face. After ploughing wife Theresa on an operating table, Leo became a cropper when Bloody Face ripped his arm off in the abandoned cells of the asylum. Leo and Teresa managed to defeat the masked killer, only to be gunned down by two more Bloody Faces on the steps of the Briarcliff — if they'd stuck to missionary, none of this would've happened!
3. Zoe and Coma Kid - 'Coven'
If you thought Jess Weixler in the film Teeth was dangerous, check out Taissa Farmiga's vagina of death from Coven. Similar to Rogue in the X-Men films, the character of Zoe's powers included sucking the life out of those she touched without meaning to — think of it as a sexually charged Midas Touch.
If flipping a bus full of chauvinistic frat boys weren't bad enough, Farmiga and Emma Roberts headed to the hospital to finish the job and cover their tracks as witches. Knowing that the surviving comatose boy would blow their coven cover, Zoe straddled the unconscious lad and lets her poison pussy do the rest. He gratefully blew his load, but unfortunately that was the contents of what was inside his skull, all over the pillow.
4. Queenie and Bastien - 'Coven'
Feeling horny? Well, you won't be after watching Queenie's run-in with a minotaur. The voodoo doll witch didn't have an easy run of it: The victim of Madam LaLaurie's racist slurs, Queenie was then subjected to some grisly beastiality — you can only imagine that Murphy had watched that video of the woman and the horse. After Marie Laveau cursed the Coven house, she sent her former lover Bastien to seek justice on Delphine LaLaurie for fusing a bull's head onto him in her attic of horrors.
Queenie decided to step in, but it looked like she had an ulterior motive to help pop her cherry. As soon as Gabourey Sidibe uttered the words, "You just wanted love, and that makes you a beast," we knew she was in trouble. Bludgeoned to within an inch of her life, it seemed that the rampant Bastien hadn't let his transformation into a minotaur dampen his lust. Although Queenie survived, the hapless virgin was ravaged by the beast and left for dead in Cordelia's potting shed.
5. The Countess and Donovan - 'Hotel'
The (razor) gloves were literally off from the get-go with Hotel thanks to vampires and vaginas. Season 5 kicked off with a veritable orgy of blood, set to "She Wants Revenge's "Tear You Apart" it was a scene that was dripping with blood and other fluids when Matt Bomer and Gaga set themselves as the season's golden couple — it was a vampiric orgy that created their own 50 Shades of Twilight. Not only was John Travolta on set to watch (he was filming next door for American Crime Story), but Gaga reportedly wanted to get even more raunchy than the final cut:
"She showed up and she was wearing diamond pasties, a Band-Aid on her hoo-ha, heels, and a black veil that Alexander McQueen made for her on the day before his death. Then the crew gasped in delight and we were off!”
Although Hotel was one of the more maligned seasons, audiences rightly became obsessed with Gaga and an eyeliner-wearing Matt Bomer. Eat your heart our R. Patz and K. Stew.
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6. Scáthach and Matt Pt. 2 - 'Roanoke'
To be honest, who wouldn't get down and dirty with a grubby little forest witch, especially when she is Lady Gaga? André Holland's Matt became the de facto lead of Roanoke, heartbroken by his wife's betrayal, but does that really warrant sleeping with a centuries old sorceress? Sure, he might have cheated with Scáthach, but under her spell, was Matt really to blame?
Lily Rabe's Shelby had already caught Matt and Scáthach at it in the woods, but a second time turned deadly. Clearly Matt couldn't get enough of her magical mammaries and once again found himself in Scáthach's arms in the Return to Roanoke saga. It was all very Jerry Springer as Shelby screamed in protest. In easily the season's biggest WTF moment, Shelby caved Matt's skull in with a crowbar in the Roanoke basement and went off to kill herself.
7. Elsa's Snuff Film - 'Freak Show'
Just how did spectacular showman Elsa Mars lose those dainty pins of hers? The reveal that Mars was as much a "freak" as those in her show was a poignant moment of Freak Show, but audiences were still left in the dark as to how she ended up like that. Perhaps she lost them in some upper-class skiing accident or maybe, to quote Gaga, she was born this way. Obviously, Murphy wasn't going to allow Elsa Mars's accident to be classed as mundane, however, no one expected it to stray into Hostel territory.
Elsa's quest for fame led her to be cast in a German snuff film, where he legs were amputated via chainsaw. Although Elsa lived, the film's release ruined all chances of her as credible actress. Elsa's career literally got the chop! The flashback also served as a great way to bring in John Cromwell as a young Hans Gruper/Dr. Arthur Arden, further connecting Freak Show to Asylum.
8. Kyle and Mrs. Spencer - 'Coven'
If Zoe's murderous muff wasn't enough for the sex-starved Horror Story fans, Coven upped the Game of Thrones factor with a little dash of incest. After Zoe and Madison's chop-shop on Kyle's corpse, the duo created a jigsaw puzzle of boy parts that Mary Shelley would be proud of. The bewildered Frankenkyle made his way home into the arms of his mother, but no one knows their son like mother does.
The scene unravelled to reveal that Mrs. Spencer has shared an inappropriate relationship with her son prior to his death and was intent on keeping the spark alive, even if he wasn't alive himself. In a severe case of PTSD, Kyle served his own justice and smashed his mother's brains in on the bedroom floor with a sports trophy.
9. Rubber Man and Vivian - 'Murder House'
American Horror Story is known for some messed up people with some serious fetishes and the first season wasted no time in kicking off with kink. We see Connie Britton's Vivien Harmon get a real good seeing-to by her cheating husband, Ben, which took a macabre turn when it became rape. But wait, is that really Ben Harmon behind the gimp mask? The halfway point of Murphy's first season gave some serious payoff to the Rubber Man mystery and the big reveal that the man behind the mask was toy boy neighbor Tate Langdon.
What makes the scene all the more creepy is when the story of Rubber Man evolves. Sodomizing and drowning the gays who bought the suit, gunning down a school full of kids, and setting fire to his stepdad, Vivien didn't know that her S&M fling was with the devil incarnate. All the more worryingly, the surviving child that Vivien bore became killer tot Michael Langdon — like father like son, eh!
10. Lana and Dr. Thredson - 'Asylum'
However, for f*cked up sex scenes, Asylum comes out "head" and shoulders above the rest. They say that three's a crowd, especially when the third party is the decomposing corpse of your lesbian lover. Clea DuVall's appearance in the second season was relatively short as Lana's partner, however, she did return to help Dr. Thredson in the bedroom. Lana's dungeon sex session will be forever remembered for Thredson's words:
"Don't worry. She won't bite. I took her teeth!"
Wearing the face of Wendy, Lana was forcibly raped by Dr. Thredson, a.k.a. Bloody Face. Although Lana would eventually escape, her time there would have ramifications for the rest of the season and indeed the rest of her life. Umming and aahing about aborting her attacker's love child with a coat hanger, Lana carried Baby Bloody Face to full term, not realizing he would eventually become Bloody Face No.2/Johnny Morgan. Asylum was particularly dark in its storylines, but Lana's Bloody Face rape saga took the show to depressing new lows.
Sorry for those who thought you had just swapped over to reading an article from Cosmopolitan there, normal Movie Pilot will resume shortly. While I'm off for a cold shower (and to check for psychos in there), we can only imagine what saucy scares Murphy has waiting for us in the next season. Could it possibly be a naked Donald Trump, spread eagled in the Oval Office, as Hillary treads on his balls in stilettos? If so, consider this list redundant.
Which is the most iconic 'American Horror Story' sex scene?
(Source: EW) [Poll Image Credit: 'American Horror Story' - FX]