ByElise Jost, writer at
"It's a UNIX system! I know this!" Twitter @elisejost
Elise Jost

It seems that in order to become a major star in Hollywood's biggest blockbusters — mainly our beloved superhero movies — it's not only preferable to be white, attractive and equipped with a pair of testicles, it also seriously helps if your first name happens to be Chris. To wit, there are not one, not two, but four gentlemen named Chris currently making fans swoon in and 's universes. (With Wonder Woman, Chris Pine is a late addition to the superhero movie Chrises and doesn't even play one, but we forgive him.)

So, as with any list exceeding more than two elements, my quality as a millennial pop culture internet writer compels me to turn this list into a ranking, and ask the dreaded question: Who is actually the best Chris? To ensure that the following investigation is 100% scientific, accurate and incontestable, I picked five criteria to differentiate our heroes both in character and appearance: Hotness (obviously), swoon factor (which we shall differentiate from hotness as the subtle ability to make our hearts and not just our hormones go wild), ability to save the day (as is crucial in a superhero movie), scene-stealing power (or acting chops, if you will) and humor. Without further ado, it's time to christen the Ultimate Chris.

Chris Evans

  • Hotness level: 4/5
'Captain America: Civil War' [Credit: Marvel Studios]
'Captain America: Civil War' [Credit: Marvel Studios]

The gif speaks for itself.

  • Swoon factor: 5/5

Humble, polite, caring, honest... Whether as Captain America or in real life, Evans is like your secret checklist for the perfect guy in human form. He's got the strength to carry you out of a burning building but also the pure vulnerability that makes you want to protect him, too, even if you're very unsure of your own ability to hold a helicopter with one hand. If he doesn't make you want to tick these boxes, I'd say it's your list that needs tweaking.

  • Ability to save the day: 4/5

It might soon be the end of the road for Evans's Captain America, but as the most patriotic superhero out there he's done a damn fine job of protecting both the world and his friends. A well-deserved shout-out goes to his shield.

  • Scene-stealing power: 3/5

Guys, he might be too nice to steal a scene. Bad jokes aside, Evans is a brilliant actor, but not always as magnetic as, say, his childhood BFF Bucky (it's easier when you have that emo vibe going, isn't it?).

  • Ha-ha-humor: 2/5

Let's be honest, Evans is far from the funniest Chris in this contest. As Captain America, he excels far more at being serious and good at his job while the jokes fly high over his head. Thankfully, he's got enough other roles to deserve a decent grade, starting with the neckbeard-wearing evil ex in Scott Pilgrim vs. the World.

Total: 18/25

Chris Pine

  • Hotness level: 4/5

I'll try to avoid too many spoilers, but you haven't lived until you've seen a naked Chris Pine describing himself as "above average" while cupping his manhood.

  • Swoon factor: 5/5
'Wonder Woman' [Credit: Warner Bros.]
'Wonder Woman' [Credit: Warner Bros.]

Ever heard the phrase "find you a man who looks at you the way this man looks at this person/thing"? It was created for Steve Trevor looking up as Diana enters the ball room in Wonder Woman.

  • Ability to save the day: 5/5

Wonder Woman spoilers yada yada, but Steve Trevor knows what true honor is all about. Granted, his Captain Kirk didn't always make the best decisions, but Pine still manages to keep his promises, and his cool and contained manner makes him seem like the most responsible of the bunch. So if there's one Chris I would trust with my life, it's this one.

  • Scene-stealing power: 5/5

Pine is an excellent actor both in blockbusters and smaller movies; just look at his heated performance in last year's Oscar contender Hell or High Water. In Wonder Woman, he's got the subtleness to be an attention magnet without fully stealing her scenes from Diana either. His ability to be incredibly present without being overwhelming earns him top marks here.

  • Ha-ha-humor: 3/5

Why so serious, Chris Pine? (Yes, the Joker and Steve Trevor are both part of the DCEU, so it's pretty much like I'm obligated to make this kind of reference). He can clearly carry a joke — Steve's deadpan reactions to Diana's fish-out-of-water moments are comedic gold — but his reliableness also makes him less goofy.

Total: 22/25

Chris Hemsworth

  • Hotness level: 5/5

Have you seen the Hemsworth family out surfing in Australia? There's a reason Chris Hemsworth is the Chris who plays Thor, the one able to lift Mjolnir. His whole family seems to have been blessed with some sort of genetic miracle, and he looks good both with long and short hair. What else do you need?

  • Swoon factor: 3/5

You can't always get full hotness points and score the jackpot for swoon-inducing abilities, too. Veering more into the scruffy territory that befits a god who's constantly commuting from planet to planet, Hemsworth's bulging muscles are less the cutie type. For full swoon effect, you need to be more "brunch with the in-laws"-appropriate than "hot summer night Tinder escapade," though of course to each their own.

  • Ability to save the day: 2/5

Now, if we're going to objectify Hollywood superstars, we don't need one whose supposedly indestructible weapon has been shattered to pieces (I'm talking about Thor's dear hammer). Captured, chained and forced to submit to the Grandmaster's fantasies, Hemsworth's Thor still needs to prove his worth.

  • Scene-stealing power: 4/5

Solid actor, magnetic aura, and with enough corporeal volume to literally fill a scene, Hemsworth is one fine screen presence who's also put his acting chops to good use in movies such as Snow White and the Huntsman and Rush. He's yet to take more indie parts, but he rarely gives you a reason to look away when he's in the room.

  • Ha-ha-humor: 5/5

Hemsworth as Thor is already hilarious (just watch the fake documentary of the poor Asgardian killing time while the Avengers are going at it), but take into account his character in last year's Ghostbusters and really there's no denying that he'll make even your toenail seem funny.

Total: 19/25

Chris Pratt

  • Hotness level: 4/5
'Guardians of the Galaxy' [Credit: Marvel Studios]
'Guardians of the Galaxy' [Credit: Marvel Studios]

The story of Chris Pratt's evolution from chubby Andy Dwyer to six-pack god still makes fitness trainers everywhere weep with admiration.

  • Swoon factor: 3/5

Dubbed a human golden retriever by many an online blog, Pratt isn't one to leave your heart cold — but with his recent creepy role in Passengers, he undeniably lost some of his teddy bear appeal. As for Peter Quill, he can be more douche than adorable, so his ability to get the butterflies going deserves a grade just above average.

  • Ability to save the day: 2/5

Pratt's Quill (which, somehow, sounds kind of dirty) can be a hero — but only when he feels like it, and if he's more down to get rowdy and paint his spaceship Pollock-style with the splashes of his adventures, the galaxy better not need saving.

  • Scene-stealing power: 4/5

Take Parks & Rec, Jurassic World or Guardians of the Galaxy: The name Pratt is reminiscent of simpler times, when a movie star could carry a blockbuster to the top of the box office with the power of their moniker. He's also an improvisation master, so I say it's about time we get a Ryan Reynolds/Chris Pratt combo in a movie somewhere (there has to be a comic book where Deadpool meets Peter Quill, right?).

  • Ha-ha-humor: 4/5

Never underestimate a Parks & Rec veteran when it comes to humor. As Andy Dwyer, Chris Pratt achieved the seemingly impossible task of outshining comedy legends such as Amy Poehler, Aubrey Plaza or Aziz Ansari. Obviously, he didn't forget his comedic genius when stepping into Peter Quill's shoes, but between Vol. 1 and Vol. 2 of Guardians of the Galaxy, his jokes felt a little less sharp than before. (Personally, I remember Yondu's Mary Poppins epiphany better than any of Pratt's lines.)

Total: 17/25

If you've been reading this far instead of jumping straight to the comments to throw your indignation at me, congratulations! You've made it to the final results. Thanks to our super-neutral, super-efficient points system, we've obtained the following ranking:

4. Chris Pratt (17)

3. Chris Evans (18)

2. Chris Hemsworth (19)

1. Chris Pine (22)

'Wonder Woman' [Credit: Warner Bros.]
'Wonder Woman' [Credit: Warner Bros.]

You may now release your wrath upon me.

Who's your favorite Hollywood Chris?


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