Welcome to Monterey, where the women are immaculate, everything is framed in soft, oceanic hues and a grizzly murder is afoot. With HBO's newest all-star murder mystery mini-series Big Little Lies airing last night, we're currently trying to work out who was murdered by whom, and who had the saltiest clap back from an Episode frothing at the mouth with sassy one-liners.
So, to make things a little easier, we've compiled a list of every single snappy clap back and wisecrack into a single venomous pit, so you can decide who gets to wear the Monetary mega-bitch crown.
- Everything You Need To Know About HBO's 'Big Little Lies'
- Reese Witherspoon Has Rich White Person Problems In HBO's Sizzling 'Big Little Lies' Trailer
8. "First One To The Car Gets A Dollar."
Playing Celeste's (Nicole Kidman's) handsome, young and horrifically abusive husband Perry, Alexander Skarsgård sets the tone for the rest of the Episode in which the moms of Monterey seem to seep money from their sweat-free pours by bribing his twin sons to behave with money. Hello well adjusted childhood.
7. "Gaby Is Such A Gossip, We Don’t Like Her.”
When Madeline (Reese Witherspoon) is accosted by Gaby who immediately asks whether she got some 'work done' over the summer, Madeline thanks her for thinking that she did, even though she didn't, before walking on and swiftly letting Monterey newcomer Jane (Shailene Woodley) know exactly what she thinks of Gaby, and therefore what she, should think of her.
6. "I Joined The Board At Paypal, What Was I Thinking, Adding One More Thing To My Life!"
Our glorious introduction to Madeline's arch nemesis, Renata (Laura Dern), sees the high-flying career woman masterfully belittle Madeline's summer spent being a stay at home mom by casually dropping in to conversation that she joined the board of PayPal.
Their interaction ends, naturally, with Renata getting a call confirming her tickets for the in-demand musical 'Hamilton,' which she manages to point out to Madeline and Jane that she's already seen 4 times: shade.
5. “This Is Monetary, We Pound People With Nice. To Death.”
In a scene which practically screams foreshadowing, Celeste and Madeline introduce Jane to Monterey as a place where people are so nice, they violently pound each other to death. Queue fear creeping all up into Jane's newly terrified face.
4. “Renata, Jane Is Not A Nanny, She’s A Mom, She’s Young, Like You Used To Be."
The second time we see Madeline and Renata interact in #BigLittleLies, Madeline gives us a delayed clap back for Renata's belittling Paypal related snipe from earlier in the Episode.
When Renata just assumes that Jane is a nanny and therefore introducing her to her daughter's nanny so they can "have their own sort of separate system," Madeline wades in and burns Renata by stating that Jane is just a young mom, something that Renata now definitely is not. Meow.
3. "She Grew Up Wanting To Be Betty Grable, But Ended Up As Betty Crocker."
In a talking-head moment that could quite feasibly have been lifted straight out of Ru Pauls Drag Race, one of Monterey's school dads, Bernard, drags Madeline through the dirt, insinuating that she wanted to be something (i.e. old Hollywood pin up girl Betty Grable) but actually, she aint' nothing (i.e. the face of a cookbook Series, Betty Crocker).
2. "Jane Just Didn’t Fit. Kind Of Like A Dirty Old Prius Parked Outside Of Barneys."
With Renata's 'best friend' Harper savagely slaying Jane by comparing her to an average brand of car who parked next to a luxury designer store, it's safe to say that the Monterey outsider will firmly remain somewhat of an outsider throughout the Show.
Just to sprinkle on that extra layer of salt, in the opening few scenes, it appears that Jane really does drive a Prius.
1. "I’ll Make Sure To Let Everyone Know That Renata Is Your Best Friend."
Deciding to hustle in on the ensuing drama between Renata and Jane after it's suggest that Jane's son Ziggy strangled Renata's daughter, Harper introduces herself to the group as "one of Renata's best friends" in an attempt to "keep the peace."
Recognizing a snake in the grass when she sees one however, Madeline immediately shuts her down and publicly humiliates her by insinuating that Harper's real intention is not to keep the peace, but to let Jane know that she's associated with Renata and therefore, not to be crossed.