New Year celebrations are duplicitous beasts. Every year you are kidded into thinking you will welcome the best version of yourself into a fresh new year among glitter, joy and dazzling fireworks, but instead you end up ugly-crying and puking into your own shoe.
Fear not though, mere (hungover) mortal, because the celebs upon high also fall victim to some pretty heinous NYE hells. Below are some of the star-studded celebrations ranked in order of horror; be warned, deep cringe lies ahead.
Mariah Carey Murders Her Career
It is scientifically impossible to have a worse New Year than Mariah Carey, who got dragged across a stage of pure humiliation like a sack of potatoes to the sound of her own shrill screams.
The moment where the pop diva looks like she is desperately grasping for an escape chord to catapult her the fuck out of there is a perfect end to 2016.
- Fun Rating: Impossible to comprehend. In the words of Mariah herself “I wanted a holiday too. can’t I just have one?”
Rockin' The Gym
I mean, it doesn't get much worse that Mariah Carey's New Year 'celebration,' but waggling barbells around until the veins in your arms look like sentient spaghetti comes close for me. I love you Dwayne, but nein.
- Fun Rating: Negative one. Appalling.
Can You Not, Katie Price?
I'm sorry to all the Americans who have no idea who this, but everything about this picture is as droopy and sad as Katie's grotesque crinkled fake buttocks so I had to include.
- Fun rating: The only fun thing about this picture is the thought of the Twitter war it could potentially spark.
Paris Meets Pammy
Two famous sex tape pioneers unite in one of the most WTF-worthy friendships of NYE. From the look of the numerous party snaps, this wild night consisted mostly of posing like vapid, glittery mannequins and exercising those pout muscles.
- Fun Rating: Like, OMG, this party only got a 1.8 out of five?!
Lindsay's Ballerina Boredom
I mean, being surrounding by magical ballerinas sounds amazing and all, but Lilo's face says it all. As if hacking her own finger off wasn't bad enough...
- Fun Rating: A damp tutu out of five (sorry)
Anna Kendrick's Animal Antics
Anna Kendrick has just got Snapchat so she doesn't understand what a basic bitch she's being. LEAVE HER ALONE.
- Fun Rating: I normally only bash the Snapchat filters out when I am trying to entertain an infant or avoid actually talking to someone awful. Two out of five.
Looking like a low-rent Hugh Hefner in 1984 is one way to ring in the New Year, I guess.
- Fun Rating: I can smell the forced fun from here and it is hurting my soul. 2.5 out of five.
Bette Midler: Survivor
Bette Midler rang in 2017 by being alive, which is as good a start as any, I suppose!
- Fun Rating: I think it's impossible to have less than three out five on the fun scale when you have a sense of humor like Bette Midler <3
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Reese By The Ocean
Reese Witherspoon clearly knows how to have a good time (we've all seen that DUI video, amirite?!), so I'm sure frolicking by the ocean with her would be a great way to swim into 2017.
- Fun Rating: Three out of five. Mainly because I can't see any glasses, tut tut.
A Nourishing Feed With Bindi Irwin
Bindi Irwin lovingly feeds a zebra who is clearly representing 2017 with pearly white positivity and love. I'm so into it. May this year be as soft and velvety as a zebra's lips for us all.
- Fun rating: 3.5 out of five. It's a ZEBRA, but also, zebras can't drink.
Squad Goals With Nina Dobrev
Jean-Paul Sartre might have said "hell is other people," but Nina Dobrev seems to be having a bangin' time so she's probs right tbh.
Fun Rating: 3.5, you know at least five of these people are intolerable. It's the law of averages.
She Just Being Miley
Not only did Miley make out with the more attractive cousin of Ru Paul's Drag Race's iconic Ornacia, she also got to suck upon Liam Hemsworth's hot AF face for good measure.
- Fun Rating: I'm sure mashing her Snoop-level stoned lips onto that glittering head was a sensory explosion, surely a four out of five in its own right?
Getting Hammered With Hugh
Hugh Jackman was still hitting it at 9.41pm on New Year's Day, so I think it's safe to say he had a pretty good night. Way to Australia, babe!
- Fun Rating: Tearing things up with Wolverine is a 4.5 out of five if I've ever seen one!
Snoop Weed Everyday
Just like every day since he was approximately 3-years-old, the D.O double G welcomed in the New Year in a blaze of weed-scented glory. I can feel the THC seeping into my thirsty system even watching the vid above, so I can only image how Uncle Snoop felt.
Then, in a moment that basically hailed 2017 as the "Year of the Snoop," this happened. #blessed.
Fun Rating: Nobody is living their best life more than Snoop. Fact. Five out of five.
Go on, tell us the most insane thing that happened during your New Year celebrations.