BySam Plank, writer at
"You have to be what you are. Whatever you are, you gotta be it." -Johnny Cash. Tweet a tweeter at my twitty twitter, @tw1tterintw1t
Sam Plank

Ladies and gentlemen, two thousand and seventeen. Is. Officially. Here!

Wait, is talking in one word sentences still a thing? I. Sure. Hope so.

After one gut-wrenching, ass-kicking, heart-ripping of a year, 2016 has officially come to an end. Now is the time to start over. To find a new you. To get that first hangover out of the way. To break through and make this your year like the people below.

It's also the time guessed it. New Year's resolutions!

No, not yours. I mean, if you want to make some, more power to you. But how much more fun would it be to imagine celebrities' resolutions?

1. Jennifer Lawrence


  • Stay upright

In 2013, it began at the Oscars.

In 2014, it continued at the Oscars.

And again in 2015 for Hunger Games: Mockingjay Part 2...

...and 2016 for X-Men: Apocalypse...

Let's hope this is the year gravity stops picking on her. Or that she wises up and stops wearing stiletto heels at events.

2. Michael Phelps


  • Don't try every trendy health fad.
source: NBC
source: NBC

We get it, cupping is supposedly healthy, trendy, all that. But, ew.

3. Betty White


  • Keep on keepin' on

She's sick of your shit, 2016! And 2017, she's here to tell you that she won't put up with any of your crap, either.

4. Donald Trump


  • Stay the hell off Twitter

Naturally, 's @Midnight reply was the best:

5. Justin Bieber


  • Stop treating the people who made him famous like dirt.

There isn't enough room on to fit all his d-bag moves. Turn over a new maple leaf, already!

6. Kanye West


  • Get help and go back to being the wacky Kanye we love to hate and hate to love.

Just get better, please. It's much more fun for all of us when you're healthy and at the top of your game than when you're having serious mental breakdowns and on the verge of divorce.

7. Mariah Carey


  • Know your limits.

Girl, no. Just no. You're the comeback queen, so please please please come back from this.

And maybe burn that costume.

8. Joe Biden


  • Not a thing. Never change, bruh.

Stay savage AF, Captain America.

See Also:

What are YOUR New Year's resolutions? Let me know what they are in the comments, and how long you think you might keep them!


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