ByElise Jost, writer at
"It's a UNIX system! I know this!" Twitter @elisejost
Elise Jost

If you saw the recent $400 juicer fiasco as the kind of ridiculous news that makes you both want to laugh at the absurdity of technology and cry at how stupid the world seems to be sometimes, there's little doubt you would love HBO's Silicon Valley. With sharp commentary about the real-life Silicon Valley wrapped in "your mom" jokes and shameless clichés, it's an absolute comedic delight.

A major part of the giggles you can't hold back when watching can be credited to T.J. Miller, as incubator owner and overall life coach Erlich Bachmann. After all, we're talking about a man who owns a merchandise website for a perfume collection titled "Hot Trash," with scents ranging from Wet Garbage to Straight Dumpster Sex. Unfortunately, The Hollywood Reporter shared the heartbreaking news that despite Silicon Valley having been renewed for a fifth season by , Miller wouldn't be a part of it.

T.J. Miller in 'Deadpool' [Credit: 20th Century Fox]
T.J. Miller in 'Deadpool' [Credit: 20th Century Fox]

Now that might be a good sign for him, even though it's a big loss for the show. He's got enough upcoming projects that it's possible he felt it was time to move on. From voicing the main character in The Emoji Movie — adding the necessary bit of ironic self-awareness without which the movie would simply look dumb — to his return as Wade Wilson's BFF in Deadpool 2, it looks like Miller is finally getting the success he deserves. He's also nabbed a major role in Spielberg's much-anticipated adaptation of Ready Player One and will be lending his voice to How to Train Your Dragon 3.

So, farewell, Erlich Bachman! For an appropriately teary-eyed goodbye, we've rounded up some of Bachman's best quotes on Silicon Valley.

He Knows How To Talk To Children

When it comes to talking to humans that aren't nearly as old as he is, Bachman would probably tell you that there's no reason you can't address them in the same way as adults — which makes sense, in a way.

Tackling bullies:

"You just brought piss to a shit fight, you little cunt... I'll curb-stomp that little face so hard that your teeth will go flying, you little shit!"

Introducing himself to a class:

"I've read a number of disparaging articles about your generation in The Atlantic and summaries. It's all true. Trigger warning: fuck you!"

He's Got The Best Insults

It'd take a while to round up all of Bachman's insults, but here's one, oozing with love for Gilfoyle:

"You look like a ferret that gave up on himself six months ago."

He Knows What Defines A Company

A born entrepreneur, Bachman believes the name and logo of a company are crucial. Though that doesn't prevent him from hiring a street artist to spray paint Pied Piper's logo onto his garage door.

"A name is something that defines a company. It has to be primal. Something you can scream out during intercourse."

Is that what all Silicon Valley entrepreneurs do?

"Your logo looks like a sideways vagina. I find that to be racist, don't you?"

When in doubt, mix any type of social issues together.

He's A Real Businessman

As the committed director of an incubator and a passionate mentor, Bachman obviously cares a lot about teaching Richard — and everyone else — how to get shit done.

Number one life lesson? If you don't want to deal with assholes, be one yourself.

"Richard, if you're not an asshole, it creates this kind of asshole vacuum and that void is filled by other assholes."

Number two? Be polite in all circumstances.

"You can tell your clients, respectfully, that they may go fuck themselves."

And don't panic:

"We may be fine. We may be totally fine. We also may be totally fucked. I'll let you know either way."

He Sees The World Through The Lens Of Silicon Valley

Master the Silicon Valley vocabulary, and you'll see it pretty much applies to everything. At least that's what Erlich Bachman would tell you.

On religion:

"At least the actual Judas had the courtesy to kill himself after betraying his leader, Jesus Christ. He's the CEO of the world. Ever heard of him?"

On politics:

"Richard, when George Washington founded a little start up know as these States of America, when he was tired of taking shit from his CEO, the King of England, did he just roll over and take it from behind? No."

He's A Real Class Act

But most importantly, Bachman knows HTML (How To Meet Ladies):

"Gentlemen, I'm off to be out and about in the 'Vette. Be back for supper, that is, of course, unless I get fucked to death by the fairer sex."

What's your favorite Silicon Valley scene?

(Source: The Hollywood Reporter)


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