Warning: Only read on if you're prepared to get slapped silly with Fifty Shades Darker spoilers!
A year after our first foray into the world of dreamboat Mr. Christian Grey's Red Room of Pain in Fifty Shades of Grey, we've finally gone darker. On February 10, the second installment of the sexy saga comes to theatres, making our palms sweat with sexual frustration and our voices quiver with pleasure. If you know what's good for you, watch the trailer for Fifty Shades Darker below:
Without a doubt, the sexual offerings of #FiftyShadesDarker were above and beyond anything the first movie in the series gave us. So, if you need a naughty preview — or just want to relive all the moments that saw Ana and Christian touching each other in inappropriate places — check out this list of all the sex scenes featured in the movie, ranked from worst to best:
6. Boring Blindfold Bang
Considering the Fifty Shades series is all about two people spanking each other silly, the only scenes that show Ana getting the D in Christian's Red Room could have definitely offered more. C'mon, the dude's got endless sexual paraphernalia and mind-boggling fuck tools plastered over the walls and you choose to act all coy and go for the cheeky handcuff and satin blindfold combo? Nah, mate.
Though, in this scene — which appears towards the end of the movie — Grey does smother her shoulders in oil and we see Dornan with his bare butt out, so I guess that's something a little bit kinky at least.
5. Tragic Shower Sex
Despite the fact that Christian literally just fell out of the sky while flying his helicopter and that he's got a gaping cut on his head, he and Ana get in on in the shower.
And quite honestly, unless shoving yourself and your significant other into the shower wearing expensive clothes bizarrely gets you all hot and bothered, this scene is bullshit because everyone knows that shower sex is never as enjoyable as it looks. Stop kidding yourself, they couldn't have actually been enjoying themselves that much.
4. Ana's Ane Gets Spanked
To be fair, it was kind of all in the build-up in this one — what with the pre-party Ben Wa metal balls up her precious pearl and all — but once Ana can't take it any longer and they finally bang, it's pretty underwhelming.
Once again, for a movie about BDSM, Christian's gentle pat-pats on her bum cheeks just don't do it for me. Quite frankly, the slap Grey's mom Grace later gives Mrs. Robinson seems more erotic in comparison.
Though, kudos to Christian for managing to perfectly slap an ass to the beat of Nick Jonas and Nicki Minaj's "Bom Bidi Bom" and to Ana for managing to fix her intricate hair style before returning to the party.
3. The Cheeky Elevator Finger
Although they don't actually have sex in this one, I'm sure it had plenty of audience members giggling like teenage boys because it's kind of naughty.
After making Ana take her underwear off while she's enjoying a lovely dinner in a fancy restaurant, Christian lets her know what she's in for when he goes in for a fumble to the tune of Van Morrison's "Moondance" in an elevator full of unsuspecting people. It's not super sexy, but knowing that you're in on their dirty, little secret makes it fun.
Ultimately, this one's deserving of brownie points for a slightly more creative use of foreplay.
2. Leg Spreader Extravaganza
Admittedly, many might not get the point of the leg spreader device Christian uses on Ana because it's not like she's going to be keeping her legs closed when she's having sex anyway. However, as far as the sex tools in Fifty Shades Darker go, this piece of hardware is probably the most stand-out.
Why? Well, partly because it's pretty big and menacing, and partly because that super-slick flip Grey does when he turns her on her front is impressive. Sadly, I wouldn't recommend trying that out at home though, because I can see the scenario turning out rather differently.
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1. Pre-Stir Fry Make-Up Sex
Rewind your memory right to their first sex scene for a second — the one that they have to pause their stir-fry cooking session after realizing they'd rather just eat each other. After agreeing to the “no rules, no punishment” contract, they totter off to Ana's bedroom where Christian takes her pants off, gets down on his knees and gives her the sensual, "kinky fuckery" she's been craving.
Perhaps partly because Grey isn't trying to scare her off with his creepy sex games for once, and maybe also because she hasn't had a decent shag in weeks, it's probably the most romantic we've seen these two with each other. Ultimately, it's safe to say that it makes them look like after all this time, they finally like each other.
Which Fifty Shades Darker sex scene got you hot under the collar? If I've missed any out, let me know in the comments below!