The Fifty Shades of Grey phenomenon has divided the public: Either you find Christian's antics titillating and breathtakingly exciting, or you think he's an over-possessive stalker with odd ideas about women.
The latest Fifty Shades movie — whether a kinky masterpiece or a "shiny turd" — certainly made bank, but is the central tenet of the franchise (that Christian Grey is sexually thrilling) a myth?
Apart from the obvious red flags — he has a boat named after his mom, he steals her bank details, his ex shows up with a gun — he's not exactly last of the red-hot lovers. First and foremost, Grey is one hell of a quick finisher. His routine is entirely predictable (albeit peppered with the odd accoutrement even the most unimaginative of amores could pick up from the average sex shop) and it's SHORT.
He munches some minge for about five seconds, then he just slams it in (and doesn't even take his pants off). "Would miss Austen approve of this?" Uh, no, I think she'd be disappointed.
Not only are the sex scenes disappointingly short, all of the sex they do is NORMAL! Is there anything really so outlandish in the films? Most of the ridiculous props are standard bachelorette party fodder — a blindfold, a naughty feather, a riding crop — and we don't even get to see a nipple clamp on a nipple!
The leg-spreader is the only gadget outside of the casual kinkster's toy box, and we only get to see it used at about two feet wide, necessitating the ass-up flip-reversal as he's essentially locked himself out of her vag.
Once her butt got flip-turned upside down, we're back to the chocha-chomp-and-cram-it-in routine we know so well. I don't care how good those five seconds of crotch munching are, girl got short-changed. Even the notorious "Love in an Elevator" scene falls short as Van Morrison's "Moondance" is sullied while Christian pokes her in a lift like a horny teenager on a school trip to Pontins. Where's the "kinky fuckery," Christian? Where?!
As much as the appeal of Christian Grey is a mystery to many, there's definitely one moment in this volcano of silliness that will drive the modern woman wild: Getting a rapey boss fired immediately? Now THAT's a fantasy we can all relate to!