Before we even get started on this one: SPOILERS, SPOILERS, SPOILERS. This article builds a wall of SPOILERS so high, even Jon Snow couldn't climb over it. So, if you don't want to know what is probably going to happen in #GameofThrones Season 7, turn away now.
We have been consulting the Lord of Light, and a little shadow baby delivered news on what to expect when HBO's Battle Royale returns next summer. Ignoring the more popular Game of Thrones Reddit and its 800,000 subscribers (pffft), we are going north of the Wall to the r/freefolk subreddit and their loyal clan of 26,000.
It may seem a bit skeptical at the moment, but the following leaks go into far too much detail to just have been plucked from nowhere. If you don't believe us, Nathalie Emmanuel, who plays Missandei, has recently tweeted her disapproval at spoiler sports.
Coincidently, a raven tells us that the original Reddit poster "awayforthelads" has mysteriously vanished. We can only assume that they have been the subject of some black magic, or have gone to one of those infamous weddings — thankfully Redditor maureencreates has collated all the leaks in a brand new post for your delectation.
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This really is your last chance to turn back, because we are about to run down the six biggest mic drops from the post — for the night is long and full of spoilers.
So, the biggest pre-Reddit leaks show that the long-absent Gendry has finally stopped his one man tour of the world and meets up with some other Westerosi glitterati. We had long suspected that fan favorites Jon Snow and Daenerys Stormborn would finally meet, and that is where we pick up the story.
1. When Jonny Met Dany
Will heartthrobs Emilia Clarke and Kit Harington finally meet to create one of the greatest couples since Ross and Rachel?
Topping last season's meeting of Daenerys and Tyrion, someone else is being recruited to Team Dany as her and Jon form a (originally) uneasy alliance. When the two meet, the King in the North refuses to bend the knee, and Daenerys won't to listen to Jon's tall tales about White Walkers. He decides that the only way to prove the existence of the snowy menace is to bring one home. He creates a Suicide Squad of himself, The Hound, Beric, Thoros, Tormund, Jorah, and Gendry to capture a Wight. Oh, and those who are shipping a romp between the breaker of chains and Westeros's baddest bastard, they get down and dirty at the end of the season on a romantic boat trip.
2. Ice, Ice, Baby
We have seen plenty of fire from Daenerys and her dragons, but what about the theory that her dragons could be involved in the great White Walker war?
As you expect, Jon's mission to collect Frosty the Snowman doesn't go to plan at all. Perhaps one of the best titbits from the post is the actual birth of the long suspected ice dragons. There is a huge battle around an ice-covered lake, Thoros is killed by a Wight polar bear, and Jon nearly dies (again). Daenerys arrives to fly most of the team away on her dragons, but for whatever reason Jon gets left behind. Long lost Benjen turns up to save the day once more, and rescues Jon at the last minute. Saving the best bit for last though. Daenerys's dragon Viserion dies in the melee, only to be reanimated as the Night's King's mount and off they fly.
3. A Bouncing Baby
Among all the death and misery of Game of Thrones, could another baby be on the horizon for the remains of the Lannister family?
This isn't all J + D = GoT, expect more incestuous bonking in the towers, as this season we will be revisiting that Lannister sordid sibling sauciness. This time there will be a consensual scene of lovemaking, which leads Cersei to believe that she is pregnant again. She has Qyburn examine her in the hope of breaking Maggy the Frog's prophecy, but all is not well down below. Towards the end of the season Cersei wakes up in a bed soaked with blood, we are all guessing she miscarries her little Satan spawn.
4. Petyr Get 'Little' Fingered
Petyr Baelish will continue his convoluted quest for the Iron Throne, but could his evil schemes finally see him come unstuck?
No, it isn't a gay analogy from one of his brothels, things finally come unstuck for the sickly Petyr Baelish. There will be no marriage to Sansa in the Godswood, although there could well be a beheading in the hallowed Winterfell grounds. With Jon off wooing Daenerys, Sansa is left in charge of family homestead, where she is finally reunited with her spunky sister Arya and crippled brother Bran. Baelish tries to play the two Stark girls off against each other by using the letter that Sansa wrote to Robb about bowing down to Joffrey. Bran helps Sansa figure out Littlefinger's plan to divide the family, and she sentences Baelish to death. It is Arya's job to carry it out, which the bloodthirsty little assassin does with glee.
5. A Boy Has No Name
Still reeling from the revelation that Jon Snow is actually a Targaryen, could we finally find out what Lyanna whispered to her brother Ned?
Samwell Tarly will submit his application to University Challenge after completing his bookworm quest in the Citadel. Not only does he manage to cure Jorah of his Grayscale, but he also meets with Bran "Raven Eyes" Stark. Together the two figure out Jon's real heritage, and confirm that his name is actually "Aegon Targaryen." Fans of the books will know that Aegon was that elusive baby Targaryen who reportedly had his bashed against the wall. Aegon did survive and becomes a prominent character in the fifth book, but as there has been no sign of Aegon in the show, presumably Benioff and Weiss are amalgamating the character into Jon's backstory. It would finally put to rest the whole "what is Jon's name?" storyline and solidify his and Daenerys's joint claim to that pointy sword chair.
6. Balls To The Wall
After another season of weddings and beheadings, could the final prophecy finally be fulfilled?
Reportedly the final shot of the season will see the icy Viserion taking down the Wall, in a blaze of blue fire, as the Night's King rides his back. It brings full circle the whole ice and fire theory, meaning that there will two types of dragon going to war in a climactic battle at the end of the saga. If the Wall does fall, it will perfectly set up the whole of Season 8 as an army of White Walkers pour into the north. You know, we have only been waiting seven seasons for that.
Take a moment, have some milk of the poppy, and let all of that sink in. There is some other pretty cool stuff too, it just isn't as sensationalist:
Euron attacks his niece and nephew, capturing Yara, while Theon leaps overboard.
The Mountain cuts down the captured Wight only to see it reanimate itself.
Lady Olenna admits to Joffrey's murder, then drinks poison in front of Jaime.
The storyline does allude to the whereabouts of the Greyjoys and Brienne, but where the hell are Varys and Melisandre? There is also no sign of Euron attempting to woo Daenerys or Cersei, which we were all sure would happen this season. While it may seem a little light on deaths at the moment, expect to see the demise of the sand snakes and possibly even Yara Greyjoy — fear not, those crypts are sure to be a lot fuller by the season's end. It isn't all doom and gloom though, we finally get a full Stark reunion, Jon and Dany seem like the perfect political powerhouse, and most importantly — Nymeria is back!
While you wait for endless winter to clear, why not refresh yourself on what happened in the Season 6 in just 60 seconds, and don't forget the poll below!