Last weekend, roughly 90 percent of the world's 20 to 30 female population filled their coffee filters, grabbed a Paul Anka-esque blanket and hunkered down for a solid six hour #Netflix binge; the #GilmoreGirls were back in Stars Hollow and boy were we excited to see what our favorite ladies had been up to during their nine-year hiatus. And about 30 minutes in, you get your answer: Not much.
While a few things have changed — Richard is gone, Rory is sleeping with Wookiees, Gypsy is moonlighting as Emily's maid — we're instantly reminded that this is a town in which nothing really happens, and that nobody seems to mind. Although for the most part that's comforting, there are a few characters who could've really used an overhaul during that time. And one of those characters is Lorelai Gilmore.
Nearly a decade on and the woman is still one of the most self-involved creatures to ever grace our TV sets. And while that makes for entertaining viewing, there are a number of reasons why she's generally a terrible person, which you'll find listed below:
1. Her Tribute To Richard Is Beyond Awful
Caught off-guard and boozed up to the eyeballs (as most people are at funerals, to be fair), Lorelai is called upon by Emily to share a few kind thoughts about her father: To give a tribute, lend a memory, to continue the round of Richard-related anecdotes offered up by his nearest and dearest, and to ease her mother's pain. It didn't have to be groundbreaking, deep or amusing. She could've talked of the times he allowed her to escape Friday Night Dinner via her bedroom window, of his morals, his dry wit, his intelligence, his loyalty, his endless affection for Rory. Did she do any of these things? Of course not.
Lorelai being Lorelai, when the nerves hit her mouth disengages from her brain — I know this is a character trait of hers, but that doesn't mean I have to like it — and, after trying to poke an OAP in a wheelchair back into consciousness, she blathered two "tributes." The first revolved around Richard ditching her during a game of Hide and Seek, and the second was about him losing his shit after finding his 15-year-old daughter boning some guy named Teddy during their annual Fourth of July party.
Yep, these were the first things to spring to her mind. And while it's fair to say that Lorelai and her father were never close, and that these memories have clearly left scars, she's unable to put her personal grievances aside for one day. But that basically sums Lorelai up: Her reaction, like a child, is to sulk, avoid and make inappropriate jokes. She cannot put herself out of the picture for one minute to share a simple anecdote, even at her father's funeral.
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Then, after the aforementioned public trashing of her father's memory, she blames scotch and the time of day for her outburst, and promptly gets irate when Emily doesn't accept her "apology" immediately. The pair next meet four months later and no progress has been made between them in the interim — quite the opposite in fact. Minutes after arrival, Lorelai starts to attack Emily over the size of a portrait she had commissioned of Richard, and she doesn't stop picking at her until breaking point. And she does this in front of Rory. And it is awful.
2. She Encourages Emily To See A Shrink, Then Makes Zero Effort To Aid Her Recovery
When they're back on speaking terms, Lorelai suggests that Emily start seeing a shrink to help process the grief and traverse new territory — a move that would be considered thoughtful had it not been for what happened next.
As Emily starts attending sessions, she suggests — in her own slightly manipulative manner — that Lorelai join her, which I believe was her way of extending an invitation for the pair to work on their issues as a family, to digest the pain together. But what does Lorelai do? She grumbles, attends and spends most of their appointments picking fights and making petulant comments. Evidently, the concern for her mother only stretched as far as the suggestion.
While these Gilmores have never been very good at communicating (on both sides), this is a clear example of how little effort Lorelai is willing to part with in order to start building bridges.
3. Then She Leaves Her Mother Completely Alone With Her Grief
The pair sit through those therapy sessions either in silence or swinging verbal bats at one another until, frustrated at the lack of progress, Emily quits and Lorelai keeps the therapist for herself. I'm not even going to bother hammering on about the reasons why that sucks, because her next move sucks way more: She leaves Emily to her own devices.
Let's think about this for a second; her mother — a woman who has just lost her husband of 50 years, a man she literally lived for and planned her life around — is left to deal with her situation alone. She spent half a century day in, day out (even when they were separated) in the same huge house. Now he's gone and all she's left with are suffocating memories because her daughter — who resides a mere 30 minutes away — can't drop a grudge.
Now living amid a family of helpers who speak a language she doesn't understand, Emily Gilmore sleeps until noon. She has no real job nor duty — other than the D.A.R., but we promptly learn how she feels about that — and no purpose. In a time when she needs to be supported, those who should have her back (yes, Rory is guilty here, too) don't, and that is so, so depressing.
5. But She Has Zero Qualms Asking For Cash
After four 90-minute episodes (a.k.a. one whole year of not really giving a shit about her mother's grief), Lorelai returns from a pathetic attempt at "doing Wild" to ask for cash to franchise the Dragonfly Inn. The nerve of this woman is truly outstanding; I mean — what is this, Gilmore Girls Season 1? Are we back in the days of "I literally left my kid in a bucket so I wouldn't have to talk to you for 16 years P.S. can I have some money please so our lives will be better?"
And what's more, she asks for the money Richard left to Luke in his will — not to her — seemingly without even talking to Luke about it, spaffing some notion about how it's "honoring" her father's memory. Give me a break.
6. She Treats Luke Like An Idiot
And then we have Luke. Solid, strong, stable, Luke: a man who loves Lorelai unconditionally, owns his own business, cares for her daughter, humors her parents, puts up with all her crap, and bends over backwards to help her on a regular basis. Yet she treats him like an afterthought.
Aside from snatching his inheritance, she continues to pursue surrogate plans with Paris behind his back, as if this isn't a decision he should be 100 percent part of. But that seems to be a trend within their relationship; after swanning back from Wild, she informs him that she wants to get married and — de ja vu anyone? — she's already planned the entire thing. A person would hope that nine years into a solid relationship she would've learned to take his feelings and opinions into consideration before ploughing ahead with her own agenda, but apparently not. Why? Because Lorelai is still the worst.
Which Gilmore Girls character annoys you the most?