ByVaria Fedko-Blake, writer at
Staff Writer at Moviepilot! [email protected] Twitter: @vfedkoblake
Varia Fedko-Blake

Every year, at the end of August, kids all over the world hope that an owl might just swoop in and deliver them a letter inviting them to enrol at the Hogwarts School of Witchcraft and Wizardry.

Alas, they never come and with each passing year, we only become more and more aware of our banal Muggle existence outside of J. K. Rowling's universe. A world in which you actually have to turn on a kettle to make a decent cup of tea, get on a foul-smelling bus to get you from A to B, and where we have to deal with the consequences of our day-to-day stupidity without the help of an "Obliterate" spell. That sort of thing.

Indeed, being a wizard would be pretty cool. If you didn't have to go to that terrible wizarding school, that is. Below, let me enlighten you with some reasons as to why being a Hogwarts student might actually be worse than vomming up slugs à la Ron Weasley.

1. The Commute There Is Pretty Horrendous

To actually get to Hogwarts, you've got to smack yourself through a brick wall, which is fine if you're prepared to risk getting a serious concussion once a year.

Secondly, the journey takes ages and then you're made to sit on a train with hundreds of people you probably hate. And to make it worse, all they have to feed you with are chocolate frogs that leap all over the damn place, or barf-flavored jelly beans they call "candy."


2. An Old, Musty Hat Basically Determines Your Future

Then once you arrive, you're led through a humiliating ordeal where they sit you in front of the entire school and let an old, floppy hat decide your future.

You're only 11-years-old for goodness sake — how on earth are you meant to know anything at this point, let alone where you want to end up in life?

3. If You're Sorted Into Slytherin, You Might As Well Roll Over And Give Up

Quite frankly mate, your life is over because if you're sorted in Slytherin everyone in the school already hates you from the get-go. Plus, you're basically condemned to becoming a dickhead before you've even had a chance to shine.

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4. Let's Not Forget That One Of The School's Founders Was A Rampant Racist

Yes, back in the day, Salazar Slytherin – also a Slytherin – basically only wanted to educate pure-blood wizards, leaving behind a secret chamber with a deadly serpent to torment those he deemed unfit to learn magic. Lovely!

5. They've Got All These Paintings Of Talking Dead People Scattered Around The Place

Visages of the dead can be found all over Hogwarts castle — in the corridors, in the classrooms, in the halls, common rooms and even the dormitories. And to make matters worse, they won't stop blabbering on at you when all you want is some peace and quiet.

6. There's No Privacy

As mentioned above, while the portraits see everything, let's not forget the ghosts that just waltz in whenever they please. C'mon, Moaning Myrtle the Peeping Tom actually floated in on Harry when he was butt-naked in the bath — totes not okay.

What if he was doing something else at that moment in time, if you know what I mean?

7. The School Corridors And Stairwells Are Constantly Trying To Fuck You Over

How the hell are you ever meant to get to class on time if your usual route just decides to change itself one day? Awful.

And just consider this scenario: You're trying to sneak back to your dorm after getting a bit pissed on Rosmerta's mead down in Hogsmeade and forget that a staircase has changed so you fall to your death several stories down. Not ideal, is it?

8. In Fact, The Entire School Is A Death Trap

In Harry's first year, he encounters a three-headed dog within the school, then comes face-to-face with a troll wandering the corridors, a huge spider lurking in the forest outside, and has to deal with a centuries-old basilisk slithering around in the water pipes.

If Hogwarts is the safest place in the world, can you just imagine what kind of shit goes down at the other wizarding schools? No thanks.

9. The Toilets Haven't Been Upgraded For What Seems Like Centuries

Speaking of the plumbing, there are some serious flooding problems all over the school that need to be addressed ASAP. They probably won't be though, because remember this is Hogwarts and nobody gives a shit.

10. Before Starting A Job Here, Teachers Fail To Undergo Any Basic Checks

For christ's sake, Professor Quirrell kept the ugly face of the Dark Lord under his turban and nobody even noticed. Oh, and don't get me started on Umbridge, a psychopath who makes students write lines with their own blood.

11. No Pre-School Education Actually Exists Before Hogwarts Meaning Most Students Are Probably Illiterate

No wonder Hermione is such a know-it-all — she's probably one of the few students who actually learned the basics of math, science, literature and general history because of her Muggle parents. Everyone else basically rocks up for the first day with no knowledge of anything worth knowing whatsoever.

12. You're Only Allowed To Use Quills

Yeah, you can't even use a normal biro or a pencil. Quite frankly, this would be a total pain in the ass especially if you've ever been exposed to the wide range of wonderful stationary available in the Muggle world.

13. Slavery Is Totally Fine Here, BTW

Nobody bats an eyelid at the fact that House Elves do everything around the school and don't even get any recognition for it.

14. Parents Can Wander The School Halls And Threaten Kids Whenever They Please

Let's not forget the time that Lucius Malfoy just waltzed in and was essentially seconds away from murdering an innocent child.

15. The Only Sport Available Is Quidditch

Essentially, if you're not one of the lucky few to make a House team, you're destined to become a fat lard because there aren't any other sports options available.

16. Oh, And Sometimes They Host These Fun Tournaments That Result In Student Deaths

As well as forcing you into a pen with fire-breathing dragons, sticking you in a demented maze that can kill you, they also steal away your closest family members and friends and tie them to cinder blocks underwater. Have fun, kids!

17. The People In Charge Of The Kids Are Also Kids

Ultimately, a group of 17-year-olds are the ones responsible for hundreds of kids, ensuring they follow the school's rules and regulations. And considering they probably spend most of their time doing naughty things to each other in the prefect bathrooms anyway, it's not like they actually give a shit.

18. The Headmaster Doesn't Even Make Any Sense Most Of The Time

I swear, all he does is speak in riddles. How can you expect to learn anything from an educator who can't even string together a simple sentence that makes sense?

19. The School's Grounds Are Out Of Bounds Too

There's the Forbidden Forest — where you're not allowed to go unless you're in detention, in which case you probably deserve to die anyway — and then there's this psychotic tree called the Whomping Willow, which can flatten you like a fly if you come close.

20. There's Absolutely No Regard For Academic Excellence

Ultimately, the only two classes that sounds borderline academic are the History of Magic and Muggles Studies, which is optional. As mentioned above, having spent all those years getting a wizarding education at Hogwarts, witches and wizards probably can't even do simple arithmetic, let alone find Uzbekistan on the world map.

But hey guys, it's cool because at least students know how to turn a frog into a toothbrush, right?

21. A Hogwarts Education Only Really Prepares You For A Job In The Civil Service

When you graduate, you're basically condemned to a career within the Ministry of Magic or at Hogwarts itself.

So, unless you want to become a government bureaucrat at one of the largest employers in the wizarding world — or a Quidditch player or a shoddy journalist for the Daily Prophet — you might as well not bother getting any qualifications here. It's just a waste of time, tbh.

22. Technology Is Banned

When Harry is whisked away from the Dursley's modern suburban home, he is basically condemned into a world where technology is banned. He can't even bring his Nokia 3310.

Plus, there's no WiFi at the school, meaning you have to depend on an unreliable newspaper with nationalist tendencies to deliver you your news. Alternatively, your best method of communication with the outside world is to use an owl but unless you want to get covered in bird crap every time you head to Owlery to send a message, I wouldn't even bother.

23. It's Very Easy To Get Your Hands On Roofies a.k.a Love Potions

Considering they officially sell them in wizarding shops, it's pretty easy to get your mitts on one and make that certain someone fall in love with you. It doesn't really matter if they return your affections or not.

24. Actually, Drinking And Drugs Are A Serious Problem At Hogwarts

Just think about it, underage students are always chatting on about drinking firewhiskey. In addition to this, a beverage called "butter beer" is served at every meal in the Great Hall — if the very name doesn't inspire alcohol problems later in life, I don't know what does.

Additionally, on numerous occasions, students are actually invited to get wasted with the teachers. Professor Slughorn's mad dinner party is a prime example.

And that's not even to mention the fact that many of the kids are drug dependent. Not only do they have access to various potions, but one time Harry actually chucks back a Felix Felicis, which is pretty much the wizarding equivalent of Ecstasy. Here he is acting all weird and high off his head:

25. And After A Year, Once You're Home For The Summer, You Can't Even Show Anyone Anything You've Learned

And quite frankly, what's the point of that?

So, after all of the above, do you still want to go to Hogwarts?


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