ByHeather Snowden, writer at Creators.co
Lover of bad puns, nostalgic feels and all things Winona. Email: heather@moviepilot.com Tweet: @heathbetweetin
Heather Snowden

Fans of the late '80s masterpiece Heathers might want to start preparing their drain cleaner cocktails now, for after peeping the reboot's teaser trailers, offing yourself via bleach drank will seem like a preferable option. I am, of course, being dramatic — but dear diary my teen-angst bullshit (now) has a body count; this new series looks like it's going to kill my favorite movie characters, and then fake their suicide notes.

The teaser trailers dropped during this past weekend's via Instagram — the first gives us our first look at the series itself, and six extras an insight into the new characters. I've written a long piece on why the reboot is problematic in terms of LGBT representation — which you can read here — but here's a brief recap: In the original a white, heterosexual couple killed off three white, thin, rich, popular "Heathers" and made it look like they'd committed suicide. The new adaptation will keep the heterosexual murderers, but the victims are now Heather McNara, a black lesbian, Heather Duke — a "man who identifies gender-queer," and Heather Chandler, a girl with a "a body like Martha Dumptruck." Yeah. Issues.

Anyhow, here's the trailer:

"Fuck me gently with a chainsaw," indeed.

And here are your character introductions, below shots of their OG counterparts:

Veronica Sawyer OG - Winona Ryder

'Heathers' [Credit: New World Pictures]
'Heathers' [Credit: New World Pictures]

Veronica Sawyer 2.0 - Grace Victoria Cox

J.D OG - Christian Slater

'Heathers' [Credit: New World Pictures]
'Heathers' [Credit: New World Pictures]

J.D 2.0 - James Scully

Heather Chandler OG - Kim Walker

'Heathers' [Credit: New World Pictures]
'Heathers' [Credit: New World Pictures]

Heather Chandler 2.0 - Melanie Field

Heather Duke OG - Shannen Doherty

'Heathers' [Credit: New World Pictures]
'Heathers' [Credit: New World Pictures]

Heather Duke 2.0 - Brendan Scannell

Heather McNamara OG - Lisanne Falk

'Heathers' [Credit: New World Pictures]
'Heathers' [Credit: New World Pictures]

Heather McNamara 2.0 - Jasmine Mathews

Betty Finn OG - Renée Estevez

'Heathers' [Credit: New World Pictures]
'Heathers' [Credit: New World Pictures]

Betty Finn 2.0 - Nikki SooHoo

Heathers will premiere on the Paramount Network in 2018.

Think I'm being too harsh? Hate the project too? Sound off in the comments!

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