ByMark Hofmeyer, writer at
Awesomeness is my goal.
Mark Hofmeyer

The horror movies released in the first half of 2017 have taught me some valuable life lessons. These life lessons are incredibly tongue-in-cheek but I feel like they are important nonetheless. If you ever find yourself in a fictionalized movie world you should remember these lessons and I'm pretty sure you will get along just fine.

1. Tea Cups + Hypnotists = No Good

Get Out is the best horror film of the year (so far) and it taught me to never hang around people who are holding tea cups. I don't want to go into spoiler territory, I just want you to be cautious when sitting next to hypnotists who are holding fine china.

2. Planets That Seem Too Good To Be True Will Kill You

Alien: Covenant taught me that planets that seem too good to be true are not safe places. Never abandon your colonization plan so you can explore a planet that technically doesn't exist. Also, when landing on the planet don't immediately plan on staying there for good — do your research!

3. Don't Look Into Petri Dishes

Life taught me to never isolate myself in a room and analyze a new life form in a petri dish. You need to be careful! Let the creature hang out in isolation for a day or two and then analyze it — don't put yourself in danger!

4. Never Stay Around Spooky Schools During Holiday Breaks

The Blackcoat's Daughter is a great little gore-fest that taught me people should never hang around creepy schools when they don't need to. I know there were extenuating circumstances but the least amount of time spent in an isolated school the better.

5. Don't Unearth Ancient Tombs

Stop unearthing ancient tombs! It never ends well. The Mummy taught me that rakish soldiers should never uncover something that has been buried deep in the ground. There is reason that thing was buried, and putting it on an airplane means certain doom (and lots of pain).

6. David Dunn Isn't Done

I really like Split and I'm stoked that certain characters will be doing battle in the future. Also, James McAvoy totally deserves an Oscar nomination.

7. Triangle Masks Don't Totally Limit Visibility

I'd always thought that if I wore I mask that had a triangle screen for visibility I'd be totally lost. However, The Void taught me that not only can you see, but you can help an ancient evil materialize while wearing said mask. The Void is a bonkers film that is totally worth a watch.

8. Never Follow Strategically Placed Cans Of Food

The Girl With All the Gifts is a really neat zombie film that features smart people doing what they can to survive. However, there is a scene involving strategically placed cans that wasn't cool and made me realize I should never follow a trail of canned food.

9. Leather-Clad Vampires Love Running In Slow Motion

The Underworld series features a lot of slow motion running. However, the latest film Underworld: Blood Wars features a whole lot of stylized, slow motion antics. Why do vampires love slowing down so much?

10. Never Deliberately Lead A Horde Of Zombies

Resident Evil: The Final Chapter is a fun horror film that brings action and carnage. However, it made me realize that allowing thousands of zombies to trail behind you is not a good idea. I get why they are doing it, but it can only end badly.

What have the horror films of 2017 taught you so far?


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