(WARNING: This post contains HUGE spoilers for the Old Man Logan comic book storyline that may (or may not) be factors in the upcoming Logan movie. Proceed with caution.)
Just when comic book aficionados were just about ready to write off the #XMen films for good after the middling reception of X-Men: Apocalypse, Hugh Jackman and James Mangold managed to get the excitement and hype train rolling. They debuted the trailer for what they're purporting as the final installment of the X-Men series to feature #HughJackman playing everyone’s favorite cigar-chomping, surly mutant Wolverine. But Mangold and company are making sure that he goes out with a bang, and are adapting of Mark Millar’s beloved Old Man Logan storyline to serve as the basis for the film.
The film is drawing inspiration from the comic in the broader, tonal sense, as it features an aging Wolverine in a sort of apocalyptic western. Where he will go on one last journey to save a little girl who (presumably) will serve the role as X-23 and one of the last mutants. While the trailer looks more like the #Marvel version of Children of Men or The Last of Us, the one thing that they’re not telling you in the trailer is how absolutely completely bonkers Mark Millar’s Old Man Logan comic truly is.
At this point in the game, most comic fans are familiar with the fact that most comic book movies usually only adapt the larger bullet points of famous comic book story arcs or draw their inspiration from numerous stories from the character’s run. It’s painfully clear that while Logan will certainly share some aesthetic and thematic similarities with the Old Man Logan comic, chances are we will not get to see some of the crazier things concocted from the fevered imagination of Mark Millar. That’s sort of a shame, because after you see our list of the wacky stuff that goes down, you’ll be begging Fox to pump another $100 million to try and bring this stuff to the big screen.
1. Wolverine Kills All The X-Men
That’s right folks: Wolverine kills everyone. Why? Because of Mysterio - the weird Spider-Man villain who looks like he’s wearing a fishbowl on his head. Apparently, being the master of illusion can be a pretty devastating power when put into the hands of a more sadistic writer like Mark Millar. Mysterio created an illusion and tricked Wolverine into thinking that all of the X-Men were hostile invaders attacking the mansion. So, Wolverine did what Wolverine does best. It’s like Anakin in Star Wars, but we might actually care this time. Unfortunately for Wolverine, as soon as he came to, he had a horrible revelation: He was too good at murdering things.
The film is rated R, but Mangold seems to be going in a different direction for the Logan film. Instead of Wolverine killing all of the X-Men in the film adaptation, it’ll just be set in the not-too-distant future where Mutants have started to decline into extinction. We can only presume they wanted to keep Wolverine still feeling heroic instead of going in as a antihero with tragic past direction. Kind of a shame though, since #antihero with a tragic past is pretty much Wolverine’s whole character. Still, we’ll definitely see shades of a tragic backstory, just minus Wolverine killing the entire cast of X-Men: Apocalypse.
2. Hulk’s Inbred Grandchildren
You’d think being an educated man, Bruce Banner would know the dangers of inbreeding. And yet, Bruce and Jennifer Walters (Bruce's first cousin, or as she’s better known — She-Hulk) end up having children and those children have children with, um, presumably each other. Since Doctor Banner was a physicist and Ms. Walters was a goddamn lawyer, you’d think they might bother to educate their children. Nope. Things kind of just kept on degenerating, leading to the creation of a weird, inbred, hillbilly Hulk clan that roams across the wasteland of America collecting rent money for those seeking refuge on Hulk lands (that’s right — Hulk’s like a supervillain landlord of a trailer park).
Again, you’d think educating your children would help you run your evil empire, but no — Bruce has better stuff to do. The Hulk gang are basically green versions of just about every kind of hillbilly stereotype you’d imagine, holed up in a road house waiting to be kicked around by Patrick Swayze. Knowing that, tell me you don’t want to see a bunch of inbred, roid-raging, green hicks getting their collective asses handed to them by a vicious old man who just can’t die. Still, despite Logan having an R rating, we can’t imagine Fox or Marvel ever wanting to bring a super-powered version of The Hills Have Eyes to their cinematic universe, despite how incredibly entertaining that’d be for us. Marvel also still has complete control over the #Hulk IP, and they seem pretty pleased by having him co-star in The Avengers and the upcoming #ThorRagnorok and have very little incentive to loan him out to #Fox just so we can enjoy our fantasy of seeing Hulk’s family get the Squidbillies treatment. Closest we’ll ever get to that is drinking some moonshine while trying to watch Hulk and the Agents of S.M.A.S.H.
3. Wolverine Cuts Himself Out Of Hulk's Stomach
Wolverine and Hulk have had a storied series of face-offs in many comic books and animated series. Hell, there was an entire animated movie based off Hulk and Wolverine facing off against each other. For some reason, comic book writers love having an unstoppable force pitted against a perpetually regenerating object. We’ve seen Hulk literally rip Wolverine in half in the Ultimate universe. But of course, Mark Millar had to put his own distinctive spin on the age-old concept. When Wolverine returns from his road trip, he finds that the Hulk gang has murdered his family. After trying to lead a peaceful existence, he finally unsheathes his claws and faces off against the not-so-jolly green giant himself.
This time he’s forced to face off against the largest incarnation of the Hulk we’ve ever seen, who proceeds to literally devour him. But Wolverine’s healing factor allows him to survive in Hulk’s stomach and leading up to the triumphant moment where he literally claws his way out and bursts out of Hulk’s stomach. Let’s just pause there and consider the fact that Hulk is totally cool with cannibalism. I mean, sure he’s a being of pure rage, but that usually manifests itself as smashing things — not eating people. As much as we love gore, we don’t think Fox will be giving us a version of this scene, and we can’t imagine Marvel would ever give them the opportunity to do so. But there is no better use for advanced digital effects then to see Wolverine rip himself out of the Hulk. Someday, someday.
4. Venom Dinosaur
OK. This isn’t a massive plot point or a bunch of characters that will be left out or anything like that. This is mostly a really, really weird visual that I want someone to spend a ton of Hollywood money to bring to life. I want to see the god damn Venom symbiote fused with a dinosaur. Why is there a dinosaur? Aren’t they all extinct? Doesn’t including a dinosaur just completely jump the shark? Well, let me ask another question: Who cares? It was imported from the damn Savage Land, a tropical area in antarctica surrounded by volcanos. See, this is what I meant about the comic being completely bonkers. The comic takes place in the wider Marvel universe where this sort of thing is just commonly accepted. Now, Hulk eating Logan just kinda looks par for the course. Let's get back on track.
I want to see a giant dinosaur infested with an alien parasite rampaging across a post-apocalyptic America. I want to see a blind Hawkeye and an ancient Wolverine fighting this goddamn thing while driving around in a dune buggy with a mounted machine gun. I will throw money at this, and I would guarantee a lot of other nerds would too — it just for the spectacle of it all. Too bad that technically the rights to the symbiote still belong to #Sony. It took a miracle to convince them to share the rights of #SpiderMan with Marvel, so we doubt there’s a good chance that they’d be willing to be so gracious with Fox, given the fact that it took the disappointing box office return of the Amazing Spider-Man 2 to get them to do that. But just imagine — people love dinosaurs again thanks to Jurassic World. If you could have a super-villain, alien-powered T-Rex, you might get one of the highest grossing films of all time.
5. Moloids Sink Cities
Of all the crazy stuff that could happen in the Logan film, this is probably the most possible one, but we still won’t get to see it. Old Man Logan has an epic scene where Wolverine has to escape a group of Moloids who have begun sinking entire cities beneath the ground because no one is bothering to keep them in check. For those of you who need a reminder, Moloids are exactly what they sound like — a subterranean race of mole people bent on conquering the surface. Now, technically speaking, the Moloids are classic #FantasticFour villains, and at the time of writing, Fox still has the rights to Fantastic Four. There was talk of potentially crossing over the Fantastic Four with the X-Men if the Josh Trank film did well, but well we all know how that turned out.
The Moloids could have still been fair game for use in the Logan film, but given that as a rule of thumb, Fox has mostly avoided the more fantastical elements of the X-Men universe (like the space aliens and the Savage Land), it’s not a surprise that we won’t be seeing Hugh Jackman tearing into hordes of CGI mole people. We can only hope that whenever we see something involving the Fantastic Four or X-Men go through yet another inevitable reboot, the executives in charge will have the foresight to give the people what they want and bring the Moloids to the silver screen in some capacity, so we can actually enjoy our comic book insanity.
Like our list? Have your other favorite moments from the sequel comics to the Old Man Logan comic series you’d like to see make their way into Logan? Let us know in the comments below.