James T. Kirk is a mischievous, rule-bending Star Fleet Captain with a penchant for smooching alien ladies and screaming theatrically. Han Solo is a debonair smuggler with a heart of gold, a quick draw, and a fuzzy best friend.
They're both inarguably awesome, but who is ultimately cooler?
It's time for a Kirk vs. Solo face-off. Get a sandwich or something and settle in. Seriously, go make a sandwich.
Sure, Han has the Millennium Falcon. It's fast, agile, and did the Kessel Run in less than twelve parsecs (still have no idea what that is)...
...but Kirk has the USS Enterprise. I mean, c'mon, it has massive crew quarters, a botanical garden (no joke), transport shuttles, a transporter room that can instantly send you to the surface of a planet populated with promiscuous alien-types, and a freakin' bar.
Yes, the Millennium Falcon had some really cool toys...
...but let's be real here. Photon torpedoes.
Also, if we're being honest, Han probably spent more time fixing his ship than he did flying it.
Kirk didn't really have that issue. I mean, when you have a guy like Scotty holding down the fort in engineering, you know your ship is in good hands...
...even if he was a bit of a lush.
Better than a giant pomeranian as a mechanic, yeah?
Dude is always so serious, and high maintenance.
Also, he hogs all of the babes.
Like, all of them. Shouldn't you be working on the Millennium Falcon, Chewbacca?
Scotty would never steal Kirk's babes. He's a total bro.
Sorry Han, with Scotty on the job and the keys to a giant starship...
...Kirk has you beat on the transportation front.
Kirk 1 Solo 0
2. The Ladies
Han and Kirk are both pretty well known for their ways with women, but in the end, someone has to shake out as the ultimate sci-fi Lothario.
Captain Kirk has zero problem swapping spit with different species. So long as they have reasonably recognizable lady bits, he's game.
James T. will straight up...
...and women are all...
But wait one stinkin' minute!
Han ain't no slouch. Dude is debonair.
He gives one of these...
...and even Bones can't handle it.
Look at him, Bones is no match for the Solo charm.
But while it's true that Kirk brings in a bevy of ladies, for every hot and heavy makeout session with questionable firearm safety precautions...
...there's weird shit like this.
Holy shit, dude! That is not how you kiss a girl. She is clearly not enjoying this and is definitely never calling you back.
Han Solo would never disrespect a lady like that.
Okay, okay. See, that's not cool, but at least Princess Leia is sort of his girlfriend at this point. I mean, there was at least some context for a boob grab.
They're totally into each other. That's kinda cute.
...and on that, you really have to hand it to Han. Sure, Kirk has a lot of women in his little black book, but at the end of the day...
...it's the smuggler from Corellia that nabbed a hot princess.
Han might not have as many notches on his belt, but he bagged a winner even Captain Kirk would have had a hell of a time seducing.
Kirk 1 Solo 1
Often, it's the company you keep that indicates what kind of person you are. Kirk has his crew, and Han has his friends. Which group brings the awesome hardest though?
First, best friends. When you're talking Captain Kirk, you have to go to his right-hand Vulcan.
Spock is a classy guy.
Completely unflappable under pressure...
...and a pet lover.
Han's best friend is a pet.
And he's a really grumpy Wookie at that. Stop yelling in the snow, Chewbacca. Jeez.
He's such a downer.
You think Bones and Spock would go pout in the snow?
Nope. Too busy being cool and shit.
Could C3P-O do that?
Damn straight he can't. C3P-O would be all...
He's the worst, man.
Also, sure, Leia is hot, but Uhura is a looker too.
See what I did there? It's funny, because she's literally looking at something.
Also, the crew of the USS Enterprise knows how to have fun.
See how Chekov is appreciating Scotty and his gun show? That's a true friend.
See how excited everyone is about...whatever Chekov is doing? That's camaraderie.
To be fair, sometimes Kirk's pals get a little weird.
Okay, really weird.
But at least none of them have literally the worst daddy issues ever.
Get your shit together Luke, god.
Also, I know Lando redeems himself later, but that doesn't change that it's ultimately his fault that Han ended up frozen in carbonite. Kind of a dick move, bro.
Also, Chewie should be helping Han fix things more often. That's sort of his job, but you see Han all...
...while Chewbacca is busy being all...
And honestly, I don't even think Han and R2-D2 hang out, which might be for the best, because I'm pretty sure R2 has a thing for the guy.
That freakin' Solo charm, man.
It's a close one...
Okay, it really wasn't that close. Kirk's crew of weirdos takes the best bros cake. Those guys know how to party, and if you mess with their captain...
Kirk 2 Solo 1
4. Sweet Combat Skillz
Whose gonna win this thing? It could really go either way.
It all comes down to who kicks ass harder. Han has been avoiding bounty hunters, has put a laser through at least one...
...and antagonizing Hutts, which are totally gross.
He's been in a lot of scrapes, but so has Kirk, and let's just say...the James is a bit more hands-on in his approach.
See this lizard man?
It wants to fight the shit out of Captain Kirk. Know what Kirk did?
He threw a friggin' boulder at its junk.
I mean, yeah, it hit the lizard in the stomach, but that's what he was aiming for.
Kirk is hardcore. He'll fight anything, anywhere, like a crazy person.
He'll fight Spock's hand with his face.
See all these Tribbles attacking Kirk?
Dead. Killed them with his bare hands.
And don't talk about his mom, or he'll do...whatever this is.
Captain Kirk even fought brain freeze.
He almost won.
Han sort of deals with things a different way.
He shoots, a lot.
Give the guy a gun and he'll make a bunch of Storm Troopers his collective bitches.
If a computer gives him any lip, he'll bust a cap without thinking twice.
What I'm getting at, is Han is really good at using firearms...
Except for when he's not. Is he drunk there? I don't even know.
Oh man, Vader pWn3d.
Checking in on Kirk?
Showing the ground whose boss, like it ain't no thing. He'll even fight himself if it comes down to it.
Is he winning? How would that even work?
But you can't be all brawn and no brains. Sometimes, fighting means being smart. Han has the right idea.
Umm, Captain Kirk...
I think you're doing it wrong.
Fine, don't listen to me.
While Kirk can be the human equivalent of the honey badger...
...I've got to go with Han on this one. He knows when to use the blaster, and when to poke a guy in the shoulder and run, and he makes it look easy.
Relax, it was a compliment.
Kirk 2 Solo 2
Wait, so it's a tie?
...are, are Captain Kirk and Han Solo equally awesome?
Can these two maybe coexist without kicking the living shit out of each other?
Cane we give it a shot? Han?
Excellent. Captain Kirk?
C'mon, for the fans?
Best day ever.