ByJancy Richardson, writer at
To avoid fainting, keep repeating 'It's only a movie...It's only a movie...'
Jancy Richardson

Nymphomaniac is the movie I'm most looking forward to for 2014.

Now, I know that it was technically released in 2013, but unless you were in Denmark, on Christmas Day, it's gonna be 2014 for you and me.

There are lots of reasons that Nymphomaniac: Volume I is my most anticipated movie of 2014, but here are a few of them...

1) It'll be the best awkward date movie ever.

It's never advisable to watch anything with excessively long, teeth-grindingly visceral sex scenes with a date. A bit of fluffy fun, fine. Anything that's likely to either put you off sex forever or get you so randy that you start frantically frotting your seat in the cinema is probably best left for an occasion when you're not trying to impress someone. Potential for major awks here, which may go something like this little scene:

You: Hey, love interest, wanna see a movie?

Date: Sure, sounds good. Let's go see Nymphomaniac.

** ...Three Hours Later...**

Date.: I have to leave. NOW.

You: Me too....So call me?

Date: ...I hate you.

2) will be trying so hard to be cool that he might even pop a blood vessel.

Shia LaBeouf takes extreme measures to distract Charlotte Gainsbourg from her book.

I mean, if you're an ambitious, self-regarding young chap who's been nobly getting fat paychecks from the likes of all these years, of course you want to go and prove your indie credentials. However, there is such a thing as trying too hard, and I hope that Shia can live up to the mammoth change in direction that he's shooting his career into. A movie is about as different from Transformers: Dark of the Moon as, well, Shia Labeouf from , but I don't mean to write him off just yet. We'll see.

3) Obviously, there are some beautiful women involved.

, Sophie Kennedy Clark (pictured), , ...just because you're going to see a gruelling arthouse movie doesn't mean you can't appreciate the female form.

Also, if you like dudes, and are looking pretty beautiful, too.

I've never met a movie I didn't like.

His movies may not always be the easiest to sit through, but Dogville (2003) and Antichrist (2009) were as uncompromising and explicit as , and . Breaking the Waves (1996) and Dancer in the Dark (2000) definitely gave the tear ducts a good work-out, offering a more melancholic catharsis than the balls-to-the-wall terror and weirdness of later movies like Melancholia (2011). I can't wait to see what demented Trier tropes, both new and old, Nymphomaniac brings.

Sex represented in weird and unconventional ways is always interesting.

Sometimes, you're happy to watch bouncy, airbrushed bits and bobs in movies like Piranha 3D, or shiny, glossy Hollywood sex where everyone has a breathlessly erotic, perfect-bodied time. But you have to have some variety. People pant, strain, mess up and go too far. You have to talk about weird, unpleasant sex. and have garnered acclaim (tinged with a repulsion) for their unflinching portrayals of sex at its most bizarre and gross, and von Trier has certainly broken a few taboos in his time; anyone who's seen Antichrist will be wincing in recognition.

I just love .

Stellan Skarsgard is Seligman, and he just trod on a nail.

What a truly wonderful human being. A man amongst men.

What are you looking forward to most about Nymphomaniac?


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