ByMark Newton, writer at
Movie Pilot Associate Editor. Email: [email protected]
Mark Newton

At first glace Hogwarts School of Witchcraft and Wizardry looks pretty awesome, right? Wrong! Sure, you learn a load of spells, but most of them are just plain useless or not as good as the Muggle alternative.

Take a look below to see what I mean.

Let's start with an easy one: Lumos

Go down to Wal-Mart, grab a flashlight, $15 max. Job done. No need to endanger your life at a magical wizard school.

Alohomora is another relatively useless incantation. It simply unlocks doors.

I mean, that door obviously isn't even locked! Use a key, or failing that, try this approach.

Looks much cooler.

Tarantallegra is a spell which causes its victims legs to wobble uncontrollably. I know a potion which does that. It's called booze.

See, just as effective.

While Obliviate is a spell which wipes the memory of its target. Yep, booze will do that too.

It's such a versatile thing.

Wingardium Leviosa is clearly just a spell for lazy people.

Seriously, just pick it up, you feckless little sod. No one's impressed.

Expecto patronum might be a powerful and useful spell, but it shouldn't be taught in schools.

Dementors operate in an official capacity as agents of the Wizarding world's criminal justice system. Should school children really be allowed to fight back against them? No. The spell only benefits future criminals. Get rid of it.

Avada Kedavra is of course the forbidden killing curse. At first you might think instantly firing bolts of death from your wand is quite handy.

OK, it kills people, but can it complete with this?

He's wearing a bandanna and everything. Muggles win.

Stupefy is another overly aggressive spell which renders its victim unconscious.

As a Muggle alternative I present to you the humble lead pipe.

Classic and effective.

And don't get me stated on transfiguration. Turning a bird into a water goblet? That just opens up a whole load of ethical and moral questions I don't think we're prepared to answer.

Is it still sentient? Have you essentially killed that bird? Should our children even be learning this skill?

So, don't be fooled by all the fancy robes and opulent surroundings. Anything a wizard can do, a Muggle can do better!


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