Considering I spent the majority of my young adult life bingeing and re-bingeing on teen classics like Buffy The Vampire Slayer, The O.C and Gossip Girl, it would be reasonable to assume I'd grown up comforted by the warm glow of the #GilmoreGirls too. But you'd be wrong.
I started watching Gilmore Girls but a few months ago and boy, did I make up for lost time. Forgoing social events and sleep, I've spent months, wide-eyed and rest-deprived, falling in love with the Stars Hollow clan and all their madcap traits. At age 27, I now know that I am firmly in #TeamLogan, Emily Gilmore is my idol, and Luke Danes basically pioneered the lumbersexual look.
However, and perhaps it's because Gilmore Girls didn't reach my eyeballs before I grew cynical, there are quite a few things that became seriously irritating the more I watched. Below I've listed 10 of my biggest irks with the show that, try as I might, I just cannot stamp out.
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1. They're Constantly Ordering Junk Food But Never Eat It
First things first: Lorelai and Rory are genetically blessed with clear complexions, dazzling teeth and figures to kill for, so the fact they can spend their days ordering burgers, fries, doughnuts, Chinese take-out and liter upon liter of coffee seems wildly unfair. But that's probably because ordering the food is actually all they do. Does Lorelai ever take more than one bite out of a burger? Does the sugary dust of a doughnut ever powder her pout? No. In fact, you only have to watch Alexis Bledel finger her food to know in good faith that fry is going nowhere near her chops, let alone thighs.
But why is fast food even a big deal in the first place? Why is greasy, fattening food used as a metaphor for their independence? Is taking care of your health that square? Would eating an apple cause those witty quips to fall flat? While grabbing a take out from time to time would be an obvious signifier that the Gilmores are about to kick back and enjoy a seriously indulgent movie night, the relentless manner in which their gluttony (and obviously fake gluttony at that) is applauded is just a bit lame.
The most probable reason for this was summarized perfectly (well, ignoring the sex part — this is GG guys, no smut here) by author Gillian Flynn in Gone Girl:
“Men always say that as the defining compliment, don’t they? She’s a cool girl. Being the Cool Girl means I am a hot, brilliant, funny woman who adores football, poker, dirty jokes, and burping, who plays video games, drinks cheap beer, loves threesomes and anal sex, and jams hot dogs and hamburgers into her mouth like she’s hosting the world’s biggest culinary gang bang while somehow maintaining a size 2, because Cool Girls are above all hot. Hot and understanding. Cool Girls never get angry; they only smile in a chagrined, loving manner and let their men do whatever they want. Go ahead, shit on me, I don’t mind, I’m the Cool Girl."
2. They Never Pay For Food Or Coffee At Luke's
How often would you say Lorelai frequents Luke's — the diner owned and manned by long-term friend, love of her life, Luke? Well, when they're on good terms, she probably hits it up for coffee and snacks at least once per day. So then you'd think, what with a good human wanting to support a friend's business — especially considering she runs one herself — that she'd pay her way. However, over seven seasons she never once hands over dollars for her goods. Outrageous behavior!
Also, even when you discount all the free shit she gets at Luke's, how does she afford the rest of her lifestyle? She's always well dressed, rarely wears the same thing twice and, as she never cooks, she gets take-out for every meal, all on a supposedly tight budget. Yeah, right.
3. Lorelai Is Kind Of The Worst
Boy, is this a woman who's perfected the art of holding a grudge. Ok, so Emily and Richard Gilmore are hyper-critical, quite controlling and yes, they did try to sabotage her relationship with Luke and yes, they do talk about her "mistake" WAY too much, but are they the worst people on the planet? No. So why does Lorelai act like they are? Every move her parents make to try and involve themselves in her life, Lorelai reacts with a petulant pout, unable to see (despite being a mother herself) that their efforts come from a place of love; why else would they go to so much effort?
In fact, so hateful is she towards them that she likens her mother to Hitler in a national publication. They're paying to put your daughter through an expensive education, for Christ's sake. All they want in return? One dinner with you per week.
To her credit though, at least she's consistent with her self-involvement. When Max Medina proposes, she accepts only to jack the whole thing in days before the wedding. When her best friend gives birth? Get back in the kitchen, Sookie, we have a business to run! When Luke is trying to adapt to becoming a father to April? I'll give him an ultimatum and if he takes too long to answer, I'll just shag my ex as punishment. Not cool babe, not cool.
4. Rory And Lane's Friendship Is Boring AF
All these girls do together is study and talk politely about things happening in Stars Hollow. They're not best friends. They're rarely there for each other, have completely different lives and their stories barely intertwine. Remember Rory's speech at Lane's wedding? She read out a suuuuper boring high school note about some random guy Lane once had a crush on, after stating she didn't "have any incriminating pictures to share" — seriously? You're 21, your best and oldest friend is getting married and you do not have a single amusing or embarrassing memory to commemorate? That's just so ... sad.
5. Rory Takes Her Privilege For Granted
As Lorelai fled her parents' overbearing clutches and opted to raise her baby in a shed, later switching it up to a fairly sized (ok, massive) porch-fronted pad in Stars Hollow, Rory didn't exactly spend her formative years shielded by the plush cloak of obscene wealth. However, the minute she steps foot in Chilton, her life becomes unquestionably entangled with privilege. And, while I don't blame her for spending her grandparents' dollar to advance her education, she never really acknowledges it. What's more, she mocks those who do.
After attending private school, moving onto Yale, vacationing in Europe, living in a series of very nice apartments — did your university dorm room look anything like Rory's? No, I didn't think so — and landing a coveted internship at one of the country's principle newspapers thanks to dating the CEO's son, not only does Rory have no clue how easy she has it, but she has the audacity to poke fun at the very crowd she's moving within.
After attending Logan's launch party in Season 7, she pens an article attacking the attendees and quite rightly — Logan's reaction was far from warm. Didn't she realize he's included in the pool of people she so clearly hates, regardless of her own involvement? Even before this point, at the beginning of her second year at Yale, in reference to the rest of the newspaper staff, she whines:
[Everyone else] "had these amazing, productive summers, and me, the person who’s been talking about being a journalist her entire life, what did I do? I wasted two whole months running away to Europe."
Quick — someone pass me a tiny violin. Of course, nobody is perfect, and I get that her readiness to scorn trust fund kids stems from her mother, but sometimes Rory's total lack of self awareness just makes her seem like a bit of a dick.
6. They Make The 30 Min Drive To Hartford From Stars Hollow Seems Like An Epic Quest
Most Americans have to drive 30 minutes to get anywhere on a daily basis, yet the Gilmores make the half-hour drive to Hartford from Stars Hallow seem like the most arduous task. Take this Season 6 scene, for example. Emily's botched laser eye-surgery leaves her temporarily blind, so Lorelai takes her on a drive to run a few errands and makes the following typical dig:
Lorelai: "So we've driven almost as far as Stars Hollow. Now I'll have to drive you all the way back to Hartford."
Emily: "Well, I'm sorry, Lorelai. Next time I have some sort of illness, you can put me on an iceberg and float me out to sea. Let's go."
It's not that far, so what's the big deal?
7. Michel Is A Super Bad Employee And Should Probably Be Fired
"Excuse me. There's a phone call for you and if I'm to fetch you like a dog, I'd like a cookie and a raise."
Although I adore Michel's sass, how has this man kept his job? All he does is stand behind reception, seething with hatred; he has zero patience for guests, rather reels off insults in French and complains about his life. On top of that, he's beyond rude to Lorelai and Sookie — see the above quote for evidence. Not exactly the ideal candidate to front a quaint country inn.
8. Where Is Lane's Dad, Mr. Kim? And Kirk's Mom?
These characters are referred to constantly throughout the seven seasons of Gilmore Girls. Lane's parents are referred to in the plural: Mrs. Kim even acknowledges she had sex with her husband once. Kirk lives with his mother for a huge portion of his adult life and blames her for many of his madcap mannerisms. But where the hell are they!?
9. Can You Imagine If Everyone Talked As Fast As Lorelai Gilmore?
This section was going to be titled "Why Is This 15 Year Old Girl Allowed To Drink So Much Coffee?" until I realized the reason Rory is allowed to drink an unholy amount is so she can keep up to pace with her mother. Just watch the clip above and, unless you just popped 20 adderall, your head will literally spin off its perch while attempting to keep up.
10. The 'Bad Boys' Really Aren't That Bad
As Rory is a total goody two-shoes, it makes sense that her boyfriends become the ying to her manicured yang, a means to build her character and, frankly, make her day-to-day a little less dull. Throughout the seasons the partners she chooses are deemed "bad boys," but if you think about it, they're that not bad at all — they're merely teenage boys who aren't as mollycoddled by their mothers as Rory is by hers. Think about it, let's look at her three main guys and the reason why Lorelai hated them initially:
- Dean: The minute Rory started dating Dean, Lorelai was suspicious, hating on him purely because he was from out of town and seemed a bit thick. In the end? He proved himself to be a kind, caring, much loved member of Stars Hollow; the only issue being, he was just a bit dull.
- Jess: After Dean came Jess, an intelligent guy whom Lorelai despised thanks to his blasé nature and the fact he stole one beer. To be fair, he was a bit of an ass to Rory, but he was a teenage boy torn up about his home life, stuck sharing a one-room apartment with his uncle and, because of this, understandably a bit pissy. In the end he ditched Rory (and regretted that move for years to come), but he never actively meant to be a bad boyfriend.
- Logan: Rory's university love, actively shat on by Lorelai because he was a trust fund kid who, initially, was a scared of commitment. Yes, he was shitty from time to time, he's a guy in his early 20s enjoying life and his privilege, but a "bad boy"? No.
Which boyfriend did you rate the most?
I really could continue but, to save digression or the impression that I don't absolutely adore the show, I shall shut up, leaving you with the following list of thoughts to tickle your thought-buds up until Gilmore Girls: A Year In The Life hits Netflix on November 25th.
Other shower thoughts:
- They spend so much time on the phone, their bills must be ginormous!
- Why does Paris want to be a doctor when she so clearly hates all humans?
- Why does everyone still listen to Taylor?
- What happened to Alex? Did Lorelai literally kill the competition?
- How big is Stars Hollow? There's only like 20 people in every town meeting.
What annoyed you most about Gilmore Girls? Sound off in the comments!