ByHeather Snowden, writer at Creators.co
Staff Writer at MP. Lover of bad puns, nostalgic feels and all things Winona.
Heather Snowden

Over the last four seasons, Orange Is The New Black has gut-punched us pretty hard in terms of devastating, tear-jerking storylines. In Season 4 alone we had the death of beautiful angel Poussey, Healy's almost-but-not-quite suicide attempt, burnt Swastikas and munched mice. But despite the amount of drama decorating the hallways of Litchfield State Pen, it's not the dark and depressing moments that keep us watching — it's the madcap wit of its inmates.

In between the protests, the weird gangbangs and the phantom poopers, these ladies are a legitimately hilarious bunch of criminals who utter brilliance on the regs. And some of their statements are just too good to be confined to — you just have to quote them on a daily basis.

Here are 18 of the best Orange Is The New Black quotes that you need to start using right now:

1. ‘Are you jealous that I’m kind of pretty now and you’re not?’

[Credit: Movie Pilot]
[Credit: Movie Pilot]

She may have been referring to her shiny new teeth, but you can ask this question every time a fool be forgetting their place. And their face.

Who said it: Pennsatucky

2. ‘You don’t go Jessica Simpson when you got Rihanna.’

[Credit: Movie Pilot]
[Credit: Movie Pilot]

This is a solid reminder to any cheating basic-bae who lost sight of the relationship hierarchy. But TBH, if you have to remind them, they ain't worth reminding.

Who said it: Morello

3. ‘By all means, attribute my legitimate feelings of sadness to menses.’

[Credit: Movie Pilot]
[Credit: Movie Pilot]

If you've been asked a question that means you have to utter these exasperating words, consider it a great excuse to go full-on bunny boiler, screaming hysterically and smashing this tool's dick measuring material by swinging a giant tampon around the room.

Who said it: Piper

4. ‘All problems are boring until they’re your own.’

[Credit: Movie Pilot]
[Credit: Movie Pilot]

I'm sorry, but it's true. Now listen to me whine for five hours please, this is important.

Who said it: Red

5. ‘She a lesbian. They lesbianing together.’

[Credit: Movie Pilot]
[Credit: Movie Pilot]

One to be said in a super patronizing manner to any homophobic shade-thrower who needs to be shamed pronto.

Who said it: Pennsatucky

6. ‘Hey, you ever think about Jay-Z and Beyonce f-ing? ‘Cause I do. Like, more than I do myself, even.’

[Credit: Movie Pilot]
[Credit: Movie Pilot]

Yes. And there's nothing weird about it.

Who said it: Black Cindy

See also:

7. 'No. This year I’m loving someone who deserves me: Me.’

[Credit: Movie Pilot]
[Credit: Movie Pilot]

All you want to do is sit in your sweatpants getting blazed for an entire weekend watching re-runs of and not be judged for it, but noooo. Well, this year, all critical, chill-disturbing comments can get in the garbage. You are gonna do you. No dating dramz here!

Who said it: Suzanne

8. ‘Seriously, enough of the clitorference.’

[Credit: Movie Pilot]
[Credit: Movie Pilot]

Yes. He/she/it is annoying. We've discussed this at length now. Bored.

Who said it: Big Boo

9. ‘I used to think you were a yellow dandelion, but you are all dried up with the puff blown off.'

[Credit: Movie Pilot]
[Credit: Movie Pilot]

That feeling when you've been obsessing over that one person for a fucking lifetime and then one day you wake up and you're like "what was I thinking?!?!" That feeling is so good.

Who said it: Suzanne

10. 'Ugh, people.'

[Credit: Movie Pilot]
[Credit: Movie Pilot]

Everyday.

Who said it: Red

11. 'I'm Edward Pizzahands.'

[Credit: Movie Pilot]
[Credit: Movie Pilot]

Remember when your folks told you not to play with your food? Yeah, eff that.

Who said it: Angie

12. 'You smell like a fuckin' turtle tank.'

[Credit: Movie Pilot]
[Credit: Movie Pilot]

Not many people know what a turtle tank actually smells like so this is a pretty good way of being like "phwoar babe, take a shower," without being really brutal about it.

Who said it: Pennsatucky

13. 'I want to look fierce.'

[Credit: Movie Pilot]
[Credit: Movie Pilot]

Every time you enter a salon. Or a clothes store. Or wake up.

Who said it: Red

14. 'So I'm sitting there, barbecue sauce on my titties and I'm all like 'What the fuck, again?!''

[Credit: Movie Pilot]
[Credit: Movie Pilot]

You're at Sunday brunch, telling a story and nobody is listening — so make them regret it by ending with this 10/10 line and refuse to backtrack on the deets.

Who said it: Taystee

15. 'This is more depressing than a Tori Amos cover band.'

[Credit: Movie Pilot]
[Credit: Movie Pilot]

When you're home for the holidays and reading through your teenage diaries.

Who said it: Big boo

16. 'It's a metaphor, you potato with eyes.'

[Credit: Movie Pilot]
[Credit: Movie Pilot]

And no, I'm not even going to bother explaining it to you because you are literally that stupid.

Who said it: Pennsatucky

17. 'Before I met you, the sun was like a yellow grape.'

[Credit: Movie Pilot]
[Credit: Movie Pilot]

Everyone knows that yellow grapes suck, so this is a universal quote that'll express your infatuation adequately regardless of where your suitor is from. The metaphor will probably seem deeper if you're both blazed AF, too, so you might want to consider that first.

Who said it: Suzanne

18. 'I. Love. That. Movie.'

[Credit: Movie Pilot]
[Credit: Movie Pilot]

Actual quote (about Toy Story):

"Hey, did you ever see that one movie? The one where there’s this cowboy and he’s like the king of the castle and then this astronaut shows up and he tries to take over and so the cowboy attempts to murder him. But instead, the astronaut is taken hostage by this evil psychopath and the cowboy has to rescue him and then they end up becoming really good friends."

A great game to play when on a long car journey: Describe a movie narrative in the most demented way ever and the first person to guess correctly either gets a cookie or a yellow flag depending on how quickly they got it.

Who said it: Morello

Who's your favorite OITNB character?

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