ByElle McFarlane, writer at Creators.co
'There's always someone younger and hungrier coming down the stairs after you.'
Elle McFarlane

Before watching Passengers you may believe that few things are worse than a predatory creep using a woman to fulfill his own selfish needs — but you'd be wrong. After watching Passengers, you'll come to realize that actually, nothing is worse than a predatory creep using a woman to fulfill his own selfish needs, if that creep happens to reside in space.

In a movie which relied entirely upon rubbing and 's limp, lethargic bodies together to create a semblance of "chemistry," pointing to the pathetic embers of their sexless magnetism and shouting "Behold! The untamable fires of intergalactic passion!" It will come as little surprise that Passengers is as sexist as Trump riding dirty in a pussy wagon and as arousing as a barrel of slowly decaying fish whispering sweet, cliched nothings into their tiny fish ears.

Yes, in a shocking twist of events, the blockbuster billed as "Titanic set in space" which was released (read, buried) in the same week as Star Wars: Rogue One is the astronomical non-event of the year. So buckle up eager space voyagers, and prepare to learn everything that went so disastrously wrong Pratt & J-law's space assault blunder, Passengers.

** SPOILERS AHEAD: If you don't want to ruin the "twists" of this horrifically predictable movie please, for the love of god, STOP READING **

Meet Jim Preston, Space's Greatest Pervert

Resident space creep, at your service [Credit: Columbia Pictures]
Resident space creep, at your service [Credit: Columbia Pictures]

Firstly, let's just objectively look at the character arch of Chris Pratt's character, Jim, and see if we can spot any glaring faults with it.

  • 1. Man wakes up on a spaceship 90 years before he or his 5,000 fellow passengers are scheduled to.
  • 2. Man goes crazy after a year on his own onboard the spaceship. Grows a beard, becomes an alcoholic, fails to kill himself.
  • 3. Man notices hot babe in hibernation pod.
  • 4. Man wakes hot babe from hibernation pod.
  • 5. Man lies about waking hot babe from hibernation pod.
  • 6. Man and hot babe have lots of epic missionary in front of passing galaxies.
  • 7. Hot babe finds out man woke her from hibernation pod, is mad.
  • 8. Man makes it up to hot babe by fixing a fault on the ship.
  • 9. Even with the choice to go back into hibernation, hot babe turns it down for a lifetime with her space pervert captor meaning, man gets hot babe.

Does anything about this character's actions strike you as being a bit, I don't know, abhorrently morally wrong? In fairness, while a portion of the movie is dedicated to Aurora (Jennifer Lawrence, a.k.a, the hot babe) being incredibly angry with Jim for essentially condemning her to live and die alone on the ship with him, his character doesn't even give her the room to fully express her completely justified rage.

After stealthily creeping up on her while she sits zombie-like with her luxury space breakfast, Aurora immediately leaves the canteen to go on a jog around the space ship. But oh no! What's that? Oh it's Jim's voice booming across the tannoy, seeping into every area of the "thousand meter long" ship, literally preventing Aurora from ever truly being free of her sexual space captor, but that doesn't really matter because:

Meet Aurora Lane, Space's First Senile Porn Star

Aurora wondering where the rest of her character, and her swimsuit, went [Credit: Colombia Pictures]
Aurora wondering where the rest of her character, and her swimsuit, went [Credit: Colombia Pictures]

To say Barberella is a more developed, fleshed out intergalactic female character than Aurora Lane, would be an understatement. The clue is in the name. What screenwriter in their right mind gives their leading actress a name that sounds simultaneously like an adult movie star and a retirement home? A screenwriter that clearly doesn't intend on creating a relatable, three-dimensional female character, that's who.

When she's not busy slinking in and out of the swimming pool in a revealing white mesh swimsuit, which to be honest, is what she spends most of her screen time doing, Aurora also has two other emotional presets to personify: flirtatious and angry. For the first half of the film, Aurora is flirtatious, for the second half she is angry, oh and at the very end she is the very embodiment of Stockholm Syndrome. Speaking of which:

Passengers's Ending Is The Greatest Travesty In Modern Cinema

Adding insult to catastrophic injury, the ending of Passengers is not only an affront to women it is also an insult to cinema and good storytelling the world over. Having fixed the ship from near disaster, retrieved vital information from the horrifically obvious plot device that was Laurence Fishburn's laughably brief role (yay, go on-screen depictions of non-white characters!) it becomes apparent that Jim (naturally) has the power to put either himself or Aurora back into hibernation thus go some way to righting the horrible wrong he committed by waking Aurora up in the first place.

Are you my lover, or my incarcerator? [Credit: Columbia Pictures]
Are you my lover, or my incarcerator? [Credit: Columbia Pictures]

Flash forward 90 years later however and what do we discover? Only that Aurora went and chose her captor over a life of freedom, fulfillment and freewill! What an absolutely classic intelligent move, good one Aurora, it makes so much sense to give up all your hopes and dreams to spend the next 90 years of your life playing dance dance revolution with a man who robbed you of your life so that he could bang you. Could not relate to your decision making skills more. And as if things couldn't get any worse:

Aurora & Jim Have The Chemistry Of A Pair Of Stiff, Anal Brooms

Maybe if I look at her hair long enough, chemistry will come [Credit: Columbia Pictures]
Maybe if I look at her hair long enough, chemistry will come [Credit: Columbia Pictures]

If choosing a life of solitary confinement with your captor wasn't grim enough, choosing to spend the rest of your life with someone you clearly have no chemistry with is even worse — and that's exactly what Aurora does. Pratt and JLaw fizzle as much as a wet blanket strenuously humping a table leg. There is not a single scene in which a palpable tension can be felt between Jim and Aurora, and even the sex scenes themselves feel like they've fallen straight out of a "vanilla missionary sex" stock image catalogue and have indifferently ejaculated themselves onto the screen.

Essentially, from start to finish, Passengers is a gargantuan failure of a movie. When it's not busy offending us with its grossly sexist plot line, stuffing our eyes full of JLaw in a mesh swimsuit in the hopes we overlook her hideously underwritten character or boring us with its dry, lubeless sex scenes, it's busy giving us one of the worst movie endings of 2016. In space, no one may hear you scream, but they can certainly hear the unending groans of the patriarchy, apparently.

Poll

Which of these household objects have more sexual chemistry than Jim & Aurora?

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