While pretty much every character in Haters Back Off! is certifiably insane — with the exception of our pained Emily (Francesca Reale ) —there is much to love. When it comes to l'amour, we can't always rationalize the mysterious source of our sexual desire, but, that doesn't mean we can't try.
No one seems to be talking about it, so let's begin the discussion that needs to be had. I can't possibly be the only one to notice the subtle sexiness that Patrick exudes. It can't just be me, right? RIGHT?! Yes, I'm talking about the one and only Michael Cera-type Patrick (Erik Stocklin) who rode into our lives on his precious popsicle bike (as one does).
Whether or not you're ready to use the L word with Patrick (it's only Season 1, people), we are definitely feeling those butterflies in our stomach, and they're not only because of the popsicles we're craving. We definitely likey, but what exactly drew us in? It can't only be his magic skills.
1. Patrick Will Always Invade Your Personal Bubble
Maybe this actually isn't a good thing if you're one of those so-called "normal" people who appreciates privacy and respecting others' personal space. If instead, you're someone who closely relates to this show, then I'd highly advise seeking immediate help.
The little girl inside you might just love that Patrick will always pop your bubble (even if you were saving it for someone special, like that annoying godsend Owen). The thing is, Patrick is special! Don't you see it? [Cue awkward silence with cricket noise in background as everyone daydreams about Dylan Playfair's character Owen] Just me?
2. He's No Litterbug
This might exclusively be for Miranda's used popsicle sticks, and it may just be a little creepy, but don't pretend it's not cute. Even if it is stalker-ish, at least he's being eco-friendly. Who cares about sexy abs and strong arms when he's caring for the environment? They're totally in the same ball park.
3. Patrick Loves Savage Eating
The way we eat when we're on a date versus the way we munch down in the sanctuary of our own home can be night and day. In case you haven't already noticed, Miranda doesn't particularly feel that way. Or, haven't you noticed her stress eating potentially poisonous wieners? Time to admit it: What we want most in a soulmate is to eat à la Miranda 24/7.
4. He Makes Dreams Come True
Aren't people always talking about how important it is to support one another's dreams in a relationship? Patrick takes matters into his own hands when he discovers Miranda's YouTube video and refreshes the web page over and over and over again to give her more views. Some say creepy stalker, some say romantic — take your pick.
5. He's The DGP: Designated Guinea Pig
There's nothing more tragically romantic than someone willing to sacrifice themselves in the name of their loved one. Does Romeo and Juliet ring a bell? Though it is largely taken for granted, our Patrick puts his own life on the line for Miranda when he designates himself as the official potentially-poisonous-weiner-eating guinea pig. Of course, he ruins his gracious act by being SO FRICKIN' SELFISH and eating more than one weiner. God, Patrick!
6. He's Your Very Own Ninja Security Guard
Whether you're able to take care of yourself or not, it's always nice when someone's got your back. (This is especially true if you're as famous as Miranda.) Patrick takes things to the next level when it comes to protecting a loved one. We're talking head-to-toe ninja gear. So stealth, but not actually (obviously), 'cause it's Patrick — let's be real.
7. The Man To Call When You Need To Gravel A Fish
It's not a common skill that people have much practice in, but if you happen to need someone to figure out the perfect fish-to-gravel ratio. Pat's your guy. Can't exactly say that about Romeo, now, can we?
8. He's A 'Magichin' Duh
Being a magician is clearly Patrick's most lovable characteristic. This is particularly practical if, like Miranda, you plan on "becuming a magichin." In case it slipped your mind, magicians can make money come out of your ears. Enough said.
9. He Cleans Up Nicely
We may love Patrick's t-shirt and cardigan look, but there's something to be said about a man who cleans up nicely. We're not talking about his attire in the fake wedding of his dreams that took place in a backyard filled with sh*t, we're talking about the dapper young man who appears in the Season 1 finale. Haven't made it there yet? Then why are you still here? Skip No. 10!
10. Patrick Knows How To Plan A Perfect Date
There is such a thing as a "perfect date." Then, there exists a whole new realm of what we call a perfect date that occurs when a real "lady" like Miranda sets the expectations. Oh Miranda, you undeserving b*[email protected]#! Patrick, we'll have you and your Froze-Rose too.
To all the men out there, don't try to win us over by being yourselves. Who do you think you are, Patrick? Well, your best shot is to simply become him. Below is a video to help with your necessary transition. You're welcome.
Why did you fall in love with Patrick?