Saul Goodman here. It's time to set the record straight on those other TV hacks who call themselves 'lawyers'. As a man committed to truth and honor, it's time to besmirch these reputations once and for all.
Ally McBeal (Ally McBeal)
If I attacked every client or colleague that had ever riled me up, I'd not have the unscarred, trustworthy face that I have today. This scrawny little lady is evidently not a lawyer, although she would have potential if she harnessed that unbridled aggression and turned it into passion for justice.
Patty Hewes (Damages)
Drinking in the courtroom must never, ever be done in a glass. Stick to the old hip-flask in future, Ms Hewes.
These words must never be uttered to a client. This way lies jail time.
Alicia Florrick (The Good Wife)
Uh-oh, a lawyer with a conscience. That is the first thing you strip away when you enter this life. A conscience makes you weak, it makes you chase those elusive cases where the client is innocent, it makes you do pro bono work. Ms Florrick needs to embrace that 'bad feeling', not run from it.
Harriet Korn (Harry's Law)
Lawyers must have the perfect poker face at all times. Any sign of doubt or apprehension, and the client may lose faith in your ability to waive that DUI rap. My own personal brand of stoicism has been years in the making.
Bobby Donnell (The Practice)
First off, lawyers are not handsome. Do not let my well-preserved and distinguished appearance fool you, I am the exception to the rule. Also, without going into details of that unfortunate incident in Kentucky, lawyers should not get into elevators. Period.
Kate Reed (Fairly Legal)
This young lady has obviously never taken on a case in her life. As an agent of the law, you are always the most mature person in a room. In fact, I once successfully sued a man for saying that I was not the most mature person in a room. However, if Ms Reed is looking to claw her cute little patootie into the business, I'm confident that Goodman & Associates can accomodate.
Jack McCoy (Law and Order)
I have given many years of service to all kinds of clients who take an alternative view of the law, and I find that it's best to let the client address the lawyer as 'Bitch', rather than the other way round.
If you want to forget these bottom-feeders and see a real lawyer in action, better watch Better Call Saul, the only place on TV for real lawyers. Except Matlock. Matlock is real.