ByJancy Richardson, writer at
To avoid fainting, keep repeating 'It's only a movie...It's only a movie...'
Jancy Richardson

Celebrities these days need a guiding hand, and who better to provide it than the man who once broke up a fight between Angela Lansbury and an ostrich farmer? That's right, it is I...Saul Goodman.

Sexual Harassment

is only human - at least, that is what I am currently arguing to the courts. Wandering hands may keep a celebrity from wandering the streets, but with my assistance, Miley can live free and get handsy.

    • Keep a prosthetic hand in your bag to confuse officials when accused of groping passers-by in a subway or elevator.
    • Pretend to be blind and claim you thought the victim's ass was something else. This works particularly well in shops selling cushions and round fruits.
    • Exploit a little-known legal loophole: prosecutors will be more lenient if the alleged grope is committed with a foot rather than a hand.

  • Mishandling of exotic animals

    Justine Bieber is just one of many young ladies to get caught up in the craze for adorable, unlawful pets. However, if she follows my advice, she and her primate pal need never again cause embarrassing rabies scares with foreign officials.

    • Dress your unlicensed critter in baby clothes and cite a rare skin disorder such as hypertrichosis. Cry and plead for mercy for your afflicted child.
    • Conceal your miniature monkey in a hollow stomach designed to feign pregnancy. Warning: this method does not work so effectively for male pet owners.
    • Teach the animal to remain completely still and pass them off as a taxidermy exhibit.

  • Adultery

    If I know anything about my clients, I know that they always want what they can't have. found this out the hard way, but it needn't happen again. For cheaters with legal worries, some golden rules.

    • Never be seen in public together, unless heavily disguised. I recommend a built-up denture coupled with an inflatable hump.
    • Check hemlines, pockets and the soles of shoes for bugging devices.
    • If you are caught thrusting against one another's crotches in public, feign a life-saving Heimlich Maneuver.

  • DUI

    has been the victim of DUI charges, but there are measures that can be taken to prevent future arrests.

    • Employ an impromptu driver: a parking attendant or homeless person will usually oblige for the right price.
    • Consider changing your mode of transport: there are, as yet, no laws regarding driving a segway whilst intoxicated.
    • Rehearse walking in a straight line while under the influence. With sufficient practice, you may be able to avoid further testing.

  • Illegal substances

    Society can be a harsh judge if you are one of those unfortunates who need more than Tylenol to sleep at night, as has discovered. However, there are precautions one can take to prevent drug arrests.

    • Travel with baggies of washing powder and small breath mints. You will gain a reputation for eccentricity, and officials will discontinue searching your baggage.
    • Ask a trusted doctor to diagnose you with a disorder that requires use of your preferred substances. A smart GP can find the right condition to suit your needs.
    • Sign up to medical testing to gain access to all the chemicals you could ever want. Remember: if they're not fit for human consumption, they're not illegal.

  • The justice system is fallible. With my help, you need never fall prey to legal ineptitude again. So next time you're caught with a sack of Taiwanese speed in your hand luggage, Better Call Saul.



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