Screaming's all well and good, but what if the serial killer who's chasing you is wearing a mask that protects his ears from your incessant shrieking? That's the dilemma faced by the cast of Scream Queens, who were picked off mercilessly throughout Season 1 by the costumed Red Devil.
Fortunately for the Chanels and the rest of those idiot hookers from Kappa Kappa, Hester's murder spree finally came to an end. But now there's a new serial killer on the loose, which means it won't be long before the bodies begin to pile up once more.
Wait, wait. Slow it down, Denise. Before we try to figure out who the new killer is in Season 2 of Scream Queens, we should first learn how to defend ourselves, so we don't end up with a face full of nails or more gaping holes than a horny sorority house.
Don't be this guy.
Or this guy.
Oh wait. It's the same guy! You get the idea though. Grab a pumpkin latte and some fluffy earmuffs as we guide you through the ultimate serial killer survival guide, Scream Queens style.
1. Accessorise With Stylish Weapons
Notice how these pink nunchucks perfectly compliment Chanel #5's t-shirt? No serial killer would dare attack someone who defends themselves so stylishly!
2. Learn To Tweet Quicker
Take a page out of Sonya Herfmann's book and tell your Twitter followers that you're about to be murdered by a serial killer in the hopes that someone online will rescue you. #Justice4Ariana.
3. Focus Less On Taylor Swift And More On Your Own Problems
Poor Tiffany DeSalle was less focused on the fact that she'd been buried from the neck down and was more worried about Taylor Swift's current whereabouts. Ultimately, this Swiftie's obsession with her idol led to her being run down by a lawn mower, just when she thought she was out of the woods.
4. Peripheral Vision Is Everything
There's a huge number of reasons why you shouldn't dress up as a school mascot, and avoiding death isn't even the most important one. Take it from us though. If you attend a school where murder's a common occurrence, you might want to think twice before you wear a large ice cream costume that limits your movement to zero.
5. Don't Be A Candle Vlogger
For those of you who don't know what a candle vlogger is, they're people who post videos online about candles, explaining all of the different types and their unique smells. Quite honestly, Jennifer probably would have survived the first season of Scream Queens if she hadn't picked such a ridiculously irritating and generally pointless hobby. This is one time that the Red Devil actually did us all a favor. Just make you don't follow in Jennifer's waxy footsteps.
6. Don't Be A Slut, Hog-Faced Or Otherwise
Horror movies have been telling us this for years, but it bears repeating here; don't sleep around for free or your milkshake will bring more than just the boys to the yard. Now, we're not saying you should charge people to touch the goods either, but don't blame us if a serial killer comes knocking on your door pissed because you got your grind on by an open window.
7. Be A Sassy Bitch
Nothing says 'survivor' like being the sassiest girl in the sorority (aside from Destiny's Child, of course). This is exactly why Chanel Oberlin continues to be the most important character in Scream Queens, standing tall long after her fellow students have all been murdered.
Not sure how to be sassy? The following quotes will not only give you the ultimate crash course in the world of sass but will also satisfy my need to use as many Chanel Oberlin GIF's as humanly possible in one lifetime.
Only use these adjectives to describe yourself and no others.
Install cameras everywhere you go just in case someone calls you out on this.
Make sure to remind people of how worthless they are compared to you.
And this is how you should greet everyone, regardless of whether they're close friends or complete strangers, no matter what time of day.
In summary then, these are all quotes that you should memorise at once if you want to survive longer than a 45 minute episode of Scream Queens. Failure to do so will result in your immediate death at the hands of whatever freaky serial killer that Ryan Murphy and co. think of next.
- "Listen Up, Hog-Faced Sluts" - Here's Everything We Know About Season 2 Of 'Scream Queens'
- 'Scream Queens' Season 2: Who Could The New Killer Be?
- 'Scream Queens' Season Two: New Trailer "Chanels" Hannibal Lecter From 'Silence Of The Lambs'
While we're waiting to join the Chanels in Dean Munsch's new hospital, reacquaint yourself with Scream Queens in this hilarious trailer that puts the Mad Diva back in M.D.
Do you have any more Scream Queens style tips for budding survivalists out there?