Let's remove the "gently" part, just go ahead and fuck me with a chainsaw, because every single time I read something about the Heathers reboot a little bit of me dies inside anyway. The chronically disrespectful reimagining of '88s iconic movie will not only kill off minority students — more on this later — but introduce Selma Blair as a menthol-smoking stripper who's "a bit rough around the edges." I just can't.
Oh, Selma. You just starred as one money hungry devil mom in The People v. O. J. Simpson: American Crime Story (sorry, Kris Jenner), you don't need to do it again. The woman who once made out with Sarah Michelle Gellar in one of the hottest snog scenes of all time is now starring as Jade, Heather Duke's stepmom, who's waiting for her 82-year-old husband to die so she can rake in the big bucks. And she looks like this:
Can someone please explain to me why they've dressed this queen up as a second (OK, fourth) rate Dallas-era Joan Collins? This look is so not "very," it's maddening — and personally, I'm quite surprised that more people aren't kicking up a stink about it.
The original movie, which starred Winona Ryder and Christian Slater as Veronica and J.D., revolved around themes of homicide, suicide, sexual harassment and emotional abuse; it was a scathing critique of a culture that championed mediocracy and indifference. The reboot, which will be coming to your eyeballs in 2018 courtesy of Paramount Network, seems like it will embody the very things the OG parodied. Seriously, guys, if you just wanted a nostalgic hook to gain audience attention; call it Clueless — at least this title would be more apt.
In addition to Blair as a stripper-mom, the TV adaptation will star minorities as the three — previously thin, white, straight and upper middle-class — high school Heathers: Heather McNara, now a black lesbian, Heather Duke, who identifies as "gender-queer," and Heather Chandler, who has the "body of Martha Dumptruck." And they'll be systematically hunted down by the pretty, white, heterosexual couple. Yeah. I won't get into why this is absolutely fucking outrageous now, but you can read about it here if you wish.
Alongside Blair, Heathers original cast member Shannon Doherty will be guest starring in the reboot, alongside James Scully, Melanie Field, and Jasmine Mathews.
Time to get the chainsaw out.
Are you a fan of the Heathers original?