La La Land might be top of the crops in the movieverse at the moment but apparently, when it comes to the bedroom, the musical genre is only top of one thing: the flops. Sliding in lower than folk, thrash metal, chamber music and hymns, according to a survey carried out by Birmingham's Symphony Hall only 1% of people turn to movie #musicals when they're feeling frisky. And that, dear readers, is a crying shame.
The below seven examples prove that there is a musical number for every sexy situation; so put on your dancing shoes and get ready to show that partner of yours a little razzle dazzle:
1. 'Do You Hear The People Sing' From 'Les Miserables'
Mood: Cum The Revolution
Les Mis's "Do You Hear The People Sing" is the ideal antidote to anger-bam your frustrations away. Perhaps you've been sexually repressed for some time, and really need help from the Enjolras et al who promise to boom out their bars and aid the beating of your bang. Perhaps you're enraged at the current state of the world and can't find the right release. Either way, through this iconic song you'll soon be able to break down the barriers that've stilted your sauce for way too long.
2. 'Macavity: The Mystery Cat Part 1' From 'Cats'
Mood: My Cavity's A Mystery
A top tune to help you get back in touch with your sensual side. Pumping "Macavity" through your stereo as you begin the act of seduction, whether it be a one night stand or rekindling the vibe with a long-term love, is sure to whip you into a feline frenzy — and those crashing crescendos will keep you there. And before you know it, that cavity of yours is no longer such a mystery.
3. 'Go Go Joseph' From 'Joseph And The Amazing Technicolor Dreamcoat'
Trying to introduce a fledgling into the world of BDSM could be a tricky one, but as the motivational song "Go Go Joseph" chimes so well, you're not beaten yet! Don't give up, keep trying. You will make it someday, fight till you drop, we've read the book and you come out on top — so Go, Go, Go! Just stick this on in the background, buy some candles, bars and chains, and your pervy protege will be ready in no time.
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4. 'El Tango De Roxanne' From 'Moulin Rouge!'
Mood: Raging Rouge
Have you been deceived by your lover? Does the idea of their infidelity drive you wild with hate-lust? If so, then "El Tango De Roxanne" is the ideal musical number for you to bone your betrayer into submission, and give your heart the fiery fiesta it will need to see it through to the end.
5. 'Hopelessly Devoted To You' From 'Grease'
Mood: Dignity Free And DTF
As far as self-respect goes, this one probably doesn't rate so high. But hey, if you're contemplating making sweet love to the dulcet tones of Sandra Dee as she wails over a douche who just fobbed her off in car park, you don't need me to tell you that. This number is perfect for anyone who's looking for a song that truly expresses their feelings so they can gaze meaningfully — /creepily — into their loved ones eyes, rocking back and forth without uttering a word.
6. 'Circle Of Life' From 'The Lion King'
You're banging to procreate, and you're feeling fucking fantastic about it. So, naturally, you need a track that celebrates that. Look no further than the "Circle of Life" and get ready to belt the introductory "Nants ingonyama bagithi baba" at the top of your lungs before getting down to business. We salute you!
7. 'City Of Stars' From 'La La Land'
Mood: Isn't This So La La La La Laaaaavely
Is this the start of something wonderful and new? Or is it a dream that you can't make true? To avoid asking those awkward AF first date questions, you could always opt to drill them into your date's head via the medium of song. That way, when you bone the night away to these sweet nothings, you won't seem as sappy as you truly are. And that, my friend, is a good thing.
Would you bang to a musical soundtrack?