ByMark Newton, writer at Creators.co
Movie Pilot Associate Editor. Email: [email protected]
Mark Newton

When Star Wars: Episode VII — The Force Awakens was announced, it didn't arrive alone. Disney also announced a bunch of spin-off movies each concentrating on an individual Star Wars character. Sure, names like Yoda, Han Solo and Boba Fett were banded around, but I think I've got some better ideas.

Here are my six less likely Star Wars spin off movies.

This is Cantina Band!

After a disastrous gig at the Mos Eisley Cantina leaves several dead and wounded, the Cantina Band are followed by a documentary crew as they attempt to reclaim their fame.

Unfortunately, their dangerous reputation, out-of-date music and misogynistic album covers mean they are reduced to embarrassing gigs at low-level sporting events.

The film ends as all great rockumentaries do, with the band suddenly realizing they're big in Japan (or the Star Wars equivalent). Cue a heart-warming comeback tour that turns it up to 11.

Hardship Trooper

A harrowing and emotional tale about the Stormtrooper who fell for Obi Wan Kenobi's devious mind-trick.

After realizing he is indirectly responsible for the downfall of the entire Galactic Empire, our Stormtrooper falls into a depressing cycle of self-loathing and despair.

He heads to Endor to enact his one-man vendetta against the Ewoks, but upon arrival he is enamored by their charming and fuzzy ways.

Slowly he realizes that far from being a failure, he is in fact the hero who saved these lovable pieces of Star Wars merchandising from certain destruction. There'll be tears all round.

In Space No One Can Hear You Ice Cream

A spin-off tale about Star Wars icon Willrow Hood. Who's Willrow Hood I hear you cry? Well, it's this dude:

Although being surrounded by priceless technology, Hood was sighted fleeing Bespin with what is clearly a looted ice cream maker under his arm. With Cloud City in disarray, Hood escapes his office drudgery to pursue his first love: dispensing icy treats to all galactic citizens. Unfortunately, Hood picks the worst possible destination: the ice planet Hoth.

But with Hoth being ravaged by war (plus the fact no one eats f*cking ice cream on Hoth) Hood's ice cream stand is short lived. The ultimate irony is that Hood ends up becoming an icy treat himself... for a Wampa.

Avoiding Traps with Admiral Ackbar

A series of short health and safety videos in which Admiral Ackbar helpfully highlights traps and dangers slightly too late. He'll cover everything from murderous revolving doors:

To internet scams.

The movie will be met with universal disdain.

Malakili and Me

An enchanting tale of one man's love for his pet Rancor! Malakili and Me is the story of Jabba's Rancor keeper who raises the lovable scamp from a tiny spawn into a murderous death machine.

Along the way there's hilarious mishaps involving chewed furniture and decapitated house guests.

Of course, the story sees a heart-breaking end with our beloved Rancor being unceremoniously crushed by a massive door.

It's an ending which is sure to leave both Malakili and the audience reaching for the tissues.

Sarlacc

An artistic indie movie set around the Sarlacc pit. Nothing happens for the initial 213 minutes.

Then this happens.

Then nothing happens for the remaining 145 minutes.

It will be loved by pretentious cinephiles everywhere.