Conventional wisdom says that if you want to make a biopic about a musician and are denied all rights to every song by said musician, you probably shouldn't make that biopic. Fortunately for all lovers of campy, kitsch and downright WTF, Lifetime laughs in the face of conventional wisdom, then serves it with a restraining order and steals its cheese puffs.
I'm not gonna to sugar-coat it and say it was fine, 'cause it wasn't. Britney Ever After makes 30 Rock's 'Jackie Jormp-Jomp' look like a Werner Herzog meditation on a tortured artist, but it's so mind-bogglingly slapdash that it's funny as all hell. Check out the 30 best Britney Ever After quotes (a couple of which feature in the trailer below).
- 19 'Britney Ever After' Reactions That Are As Savage As The Biopic Itself
- Actress Playing Britney Spears In Britney Ever After Says Experience Was "Extremely Traumatic"
- The Ultimate Britney Ever After Drinking Game: Get Up In It Swayze Style!
While Lifetime were forbidden from using a single one of Britney's songs — a shame, as Natasha Bassett really does a good impression of Britney's vocals — there also appear to be some songs they're not even allowed to mention, involving some hilarious avoidance tactics, including Britney hinting at a certain song she's sung "a tad more than one more time"... Even Cheetos have to be referenced indirectly.
1. Guard (to Britney):
You're the girl from that schoolgirl video? Catchy song!
Are those cheese puffs?
Justin's crispy noodle hair has never been crispier or noodleyer, the faux Southern accents twang around like a deep-fried bludger, and the script crackles with unintentional zingers.
3. Britney (about Joey Fatone):
Someone bust out the crackers 'cause Joey's bringin' the cheese!
I have, like, zero boobies. Like, mosquito bites!
6. This sick burn:
7. Britney's dad:
My little girl was in a boudoir video!
8. Britney (on spying Brad Pitt through a window and being asked what he looked like):
Like a big hunkin' mansicle!
Come hell or high water, Daddy's gonna get those cheese grits!
Swoon-Inducing Romance <3
10. Britney (to Justin):
I want everyone to know you're my stinky.
11. Wade (to Britney):
You're, like, the best girl ever.
Guess I just want what everyone wants: love.
Everybody wants to be in love, shoot! I need a man.
14. Britney (on Kevin):
He's so hot and kinda country, you know? I think I'm in love, y'all!
15. Justin (to Britney):
You must know that you are, in fact, the bomb diggity.
While it's not a quote, exactly, it'd be remiss to forget the shimmering love token presented to Britney by her choreographer fling, Wade.
Justin Timberlake Steals The Show
16. JT (On sandcastles):
Every bomb castle's got a fly moat, you feel me?
17. JT (On some bomb new choreography):
Get up in it Swayze style!
18. JT (to Wade, holding Britney's stunt snake, Banana):
It's not the first time I told you to put your snake away, fool
19. JT (to Britney):
Hey where's my pinky gone I been thinkin about her since dawn and she's so banging everyone's like DAAAANNGG and if I don't see her soon I'll go insaaaannneee
20. JT (to Britney):
I'm about to rob you... of your heart
The Price of Fame
21. Britney (to staff at a photoshoot):
My lawyer's comin' for you so you better buckle uuuuuupppp
22. Staff member:
Did she just wipe her hand on that gown?
Let's all get out of here! Adios Amigos! Woof!
24. Britney (to Larry):
I'm sick of my brand, Larry! What about me?
Why would anyone enjoy someone else's pain?
I'm not gonna sugar-coat it and say I was fine. Cause I wasn't.
Everything just got all... smashed up.
28. Britney (to Kevin, via text):
I Wnt 2 Dvrce U
I just want to be somewhere else, like an island or something where nobody knows me.
You know when you see a car crash by the side of the road and it's like everything in the world just kinda stopped?
I'm hoping that, one day, we'll finally have the fully authorized biopic we (and Britney) deserve. Let's hope Derrick Barry's available.
Will you be quoting lines from 'Britney Ever After'?