Now, while many of us are still reeling from seeing #Fox's #Logan this past weekend, it's worth noting that everyone is doing so because of just how much they enjoyed watching #HughJackman's last hurrah as #Wolverine. After all, many fans went into the movie expecting one of the franchise's more important post-credits scenes — one that would presumably reveal to us all the #XMen universe's plans post-Jackman, and generally blow our already substantially over-excited minds.
Which, of course, didn't happen. While we didn't ultimately get to see any kind of post-credits sequence, we were on the receiving end of a rather neat teaser for the upcoming #Deadpool2, in which we got to see #RyanReynolds' #Deadpool being a complete a-hole for our viewing pleasure. What's more:
The New 'Deadpool 2' Teaser Trolled 'Logan' Like An English Lit Major
Y'see, while most of us were still distracted by the teaser's multiple Easter Eggs, and general profusion of Deadpool-themed insanity, the good folks over at ComicBook.com decided to transcribe the rapidly scrolling text that appears at the very end of the video (above).
And, as it turns out, the writing in question is — in actual fact — a weirdly subtle dig at Logan, and its indirect literary influences. Specifically, it's an essay, seemingly written by Deadpool himself, about Ernest Hemingway's classic short novel The Old Man and the Sea. A book which just so happens to feature a man fighting against the infirmities of his advancing years in order to pull off one last great feat. Now, sure, the novel is all about an aging fisherman trying to catch a Marlin, while Logan is all about Wolverine trying to get a young girl to a safe haven, but as the the film's plot unfolds, the similarities between it and the novel become more and more apparent. Which, of course, means that Deadpool's whole essay (which you can read in full just below) is essentially just an elaborate exercise in gently screwing with the folks who made Logan:
"The Old Man and the Sea is the story of a fight between an elderly, accomplished fisherman, Santiago, and a really big fish. Like… HUGE. The story opens with Santiago suffering eighty-four days without catching a fish because he’s the unluckiest son-of-a-bitch on planet earth. Honestly, if you were in a boat for eighty-four days, it’d be hard to NOT catch a fish… even by accident. Santiago was so unlucky that his apprentice, Manolin, was forbidden by his Ma and Pa to fish with him. But as The Fresh Prince used to say, ‘Parents Just Don’t Understand.’ So the boy visits Santiago’s shack anyway.
"Ignoring the inherent risks of unsupervised playtime with an elderly man who talks to himself, Manolin helps out, moving Santiago’s fishing gear, making food and talking about baseball. Especially Joe DiMaggio; who used to bump fuzzies with Marilyn Monroe. The next day, Santiago tells Manolin that he’s going way out into the Gulf Stream. WAY OUT north of Cuba. Lady luck is returning!
"On the eighty-fifth day of his crappy luck, Santiago drops his lines, and by noon, gets a bite from what feels like a big ass fish. He’s sure it’s a winner. He fights and fights and fights but can’t pull the monster in. Santiago’s leaky old boat is pulled by the fish for two days and nights as he holds on for dear life. Even though he’s bloody and beat, Santiago begins to appreciate this mighty adversary. He starts calling him “brother” or maybe even, “bro.” It’s sort of a love story if you really think about it. And like most romantic comedies, the reader pictures a delightful outfit changing montage, followed by the inevitable interspecies wedding.
"But on the third day, Santiago is freakin’ EXHAUSTED, and decides he just wants the fish to do what he says and not always swim wherever it wants. So he stabs it. With a f*cking harpoon. It’s a mess. Super gross. Blood everywhere. Because, like many men his age, Santiago has difficulty expressing his emotions and fears with words — instead giving in to base desires — and imposing his gigantically terrible positions on any given subject through unblinking violence. Typical.
"Anyway, he straps the marlin to the side of his skiff and hits the road home, ready to act like a total show off to everyone and probably gouge people on the price. But guess what? Pretty soon sharks begin to attack the bleeding marlin’s carcass, because we all know, life is a tragic opera and just when you think you’ve finally found something good and true, sharks come along and rip it all to f*cking shreds while dry-humping your dignity with their crazy-weird shark dicks. Sure, Santiago tries killing a few of them, but drops his harpoon because his hands are just as old as he is. By nighttime, the sharks have pretty much eaten the entire marlin.
"Only a bleach-white skeleton remains, silently mocking him in the murky darkness. Santiago realizes he’s still unlucky. REALLY unlucky. (Duh!) He calls the sharks “dream killers.” Which isn’t really all that fair. I mean, the sharks were just doing their job and the marlin… Jesus, don’t even get me started on the marlin! It was just hanging out one day, minding it’s own business, maybe thinking about ways it could be a better provider for it’s family and WHAM! Harpoon in the brain. Who’s the “dream killer” now, f*ckface? The hypocrisy is pretty much boundless at this point.
"Eventually Santiago makes it ashore. Leaving the bones of the marlin and the boat, he hobbles to his shack. He makes it home and crashes, like I said — he’s super tired. The next morning a group of fishermen gather around Santiago’s boat. One measures the skeleton and, holy sh*t-shingles! It’s over 18 feet! The head of the fish is given to Pedrico (strange that this is the first mention of him) and the other fishermen ask Manolin to send their glad tidings to the old man.
"Manolin brings Santiago newspapers and coffee when he wakes and they decide to fish together again. Many years later, there’s a Red Lobster Restaurant in nearly every city in America, offering a casual dining experience and convenient parking."
The most intriguing thing about all of this, though? Who'd have thought that Deadpool was an English Lit major?
What do you think, though? Which of the Deadpool 2 teaser's Easter Eggs was your favorite? Let us know below!