There are two kinds of people in this world. Republicans and Democrats? Nope. Man and woman? Not quite. Those who are deathly afraid of clowns, and those who get a kick out of screwing with people who are deathly afraid of clowns?
Bingo! You get a blood-filled balloon!
- 'It' (2017): Movie News, Trailer, Release Date, Plot & All You Need To Know About Pennywise's Clownish Return To Form
Not many authors can say movies based on their books were solely responsible for eternally scarring an entire generation of children, but Stephen King is one of them—maybe the only one. The 1990 miniseries based on his book, #It, will forever be hated by so many professional clowns, thanks to instilling an insane fear of those happy, colorful performers into children.
But what about the other seemingly innocuous things we now give a suspicious side-eye to thanks to the movie using them to scare the crap out of us? If you've seen It, then you can probably rattle off at least three or four of them right now.
1. Sewer Drains
It doesn't even have to be Halloween. Whether you're out for a run, going out to get the mail from your cul-de-sac's community mailbox, or even driving by the damned thing, those storm drains that Pennywise pulled sweet little Georgie into are everywhere. Don't be ashamed if you move to the middle of the street every time you approach one.
- Solution: Just Uber everywhere. Seriously. Best not to even be out on a road with a storm sewer anymore.
2. Fortune Cookies
I don't know about you, but I absolutely love Chinese food. Those noodles. That rice. Even the chopsticks are fun. Torturous to try and use, but fun. But then you get to the fortune cookie, and can't help but think...Will this time be the time I open one of these things only to find a freaking eyeball?
- Solution: Swear off Chinese food forever. Or Chinese fusion. Or Thai food. Or you know what, just steer clear of any Americanized cuisine where there's a chance you might get a fortune cookie at the end.
Tip of the day: if you see your dead father hanging out by the entrance to a sewer holding balloons, just don't. No matter whether it was a balloon in a sewer, balloons outside a sewer, or balloons filled with blood, balloons are still cool, but there's that slight twinge of fear whenever one pops unexpectedly that you might get covered in red goo.
- Solution: Replace all celebration balloons with all the fortune cookies you haven't eaten but also haven't figured out how to banish yet. Festive!
It's bad enough having to wash, dry, and fold clothes. But the laundry that hangs on a line to dry? That stuff took on a whole new meaning after movies like It and another #StephenKing masterpiece, Pet Sematary, used hanging sheets to conceal a clown or a resurrected pet dog. You never know what might be hiding behind those flapping sheets of white.
- Solution: Seriously, people, it's 2017. We have clothes dryers for a reason.
5. Traveling Carnivals
Or more specifically, the creepy circus music they play. It's always the same, and it reminds one of that time The Losers Club opened that photo album, and got yelled at by that stupid clown.
- Solution: Any time you're in a position where you might hear circus music-a street fair, a kids' birthday party, an actual circus, just pop some headphones on and blare a song of your choice.
Speaking of photo albums...
6. Photo Albums
Don't stare at those old pictures in your grandparents' photo albums too long. You might get winked at by a person in a picture that bleeds.
- Solution: The miracle of living in the future! Sorry, nostalgic photo albums, but that's what digital photo albums are for. Go ahead, Pennywise, just try to make my MacBook bleed.
7. Open Graves
Freshly dug graves are unsettling enough, but being told by an immortal demon-beast disguised as a clown that those empty graves you see are reserved for you? Hell freaking no.
- Solution: Discover the key to immortality...? Yeah, I got nothin' for this one. Just try not to die.
“This is battery acid, you slime!” I can't imagine being asthmatic and watching It without walking away just a little afraid of my inhaler. It's great that it melts faces off of evil clowns, but damn.
- Solution: I hear those asthma/allergy shots work really well for treating asthma these days. Either that or just learn how to hold your breath for a long time. A really, really long time.
9. Locker Rooms
For kids of the nerdy persuasion, locker rooms in school were terrifying enough as it was. It may have had something to do with the fact that we fit perfectly in those half-size lockers. But with Carrie, Stephen King showed how cutthroat the locker room scene could be for a high schooler, and after It came out, we also had to deal with the possibility that the shower heads would attack us right before a killer clown crawled out of the sewer drain.
- Solution: Let's be real. High school locker rooms are probably always going to suck a bit.
Because remember, kids...
Read on for more It:
- The 'It' Remake Needs To Feed These Fears If It Really Wants To Scare A New Generation Of Kids
- Stephen King Has Seen The New 'It' Remake - How Does He Think It Stacks Up With His Other Film Adaptations?
- Float With Pennywise In Our First Terrifying Look At Georgie's Death From The Trailer For Stephen King's 'It (2017)
Part one of the long-awaited It remake comes to theaters September 8, and is sure to instill the fear of clowns and so much more in an entire new generation of kids! Will that stop anybody from watching it? Probably not!