So you're looking for a fun animated film to show your kids, right? You could turn to the classics (Frozen, Toy Story, The Little Mermaid, The Lion King — all really, really good choices), but how about a cartoon version of the sinking of the RMS Titanic?
Oh, did you think I was being serious? Good, because you have no fewer than three choices...
1. 'Titanic: The Legend Goes On,' a.k.a. 'Titanic: The Animated Movie' (2000)
In case you were wondering if talking, Disney-like animals were onboard the Titanic, then the Italian animated film Titanic: The Legend Goes On ("Legend"? Pretty sure this was a real thing!) has your answer. What is this? Is this a real movie?
Unfortunately for mankind, it does exist and it is a trainwreck of the greatest proportions — along the lines of Batman & Robin, Battlefield Earth and Birdemic: Shock And Terror.
So what's the movie about? A man and a woman from opposite classes of society fall in love on the RMS Titanic before its ultimate fate...sound familiar?
Well, I can confirm that Titanic: The Legend Goes On has nothing to do with the James Cameron film, because this time, the man is the rich person and the woman is the poor person, which makes it COMPLETELY different! #Sarcasm
If that wasn't bad enough, the movie also has a subplot about talking animals — such mice, a crow, dogs, etc. — roaming the ship in search of a locket for the female lead character, all of the characters (including the humans) being ripoffs from much better animated films: An American Tail, The Aristocats, Cinderella, 101 Dalmatians and many, MANY more.
Now, this movie wouldn't be so bad if it were a historically accurate educational film for kids to introduce them to the events of the Titanic, but instead everything is wrong with this film: the animation is jerky and awkward; it has racial stereotypes that will make you cringe; the voice acting is hysterically bad; the editing is beyond incoherent; and the pacing makes this extremely short film feel like an eight-hour miniseries.
Oh, and that's not even the worst part. In the middle of the movie, the main mouse character is saved by a dog. The mouse gives his thanks, and the dog (I kid you not) gives us a rap number:
Yes, people. Someone looked at this scene and said, "Yes, let's put that in our film about the Titanic." If you felt a bit of pain watching that, just know that everyone who also witnessed this abomination also feels your pain, so you are not alone.
2. 'The Legend Of The Titanic' (1999)
It gets worse, ladies and gentlemen: there was ANOTHER animated film based on the Titanic known as The Legend of the Titanic ("Legend"? Again? Seriously?), which was ALSO made in Italy and ALSO features talking mice and other animals. You want to know what's funny though? Titanic: The Legend Goes On looks like an Academy Award-winning masterpiece of cinema compared to The Legend Of The Titanic.
The animation is an improvement, although the rest of the movie goes on a 90-degree drop from the moment it starts. First, it turns out the Titanic sinking was NOT a freak accident of nature — pfft, why would it be that? Obviously, the Titanic sunk because the villain wanted to marry a rich girl so he can get whaling rights across the world and in turn get more money.
Oh, so the villain drives the Titanic into the iceberg himself? Hahahahahahaha, of course not! The villain is in league with a gang of evil, talking sharks who trick a giant, naive (yet innocent) octopus into throwing an iceberg towards the ship. YOU CAN'T MAKE THIS SH*T UP!
Oh, how I wish I were feeding you lies or on some kind of illegal substance that made me hallucinate this movie — but no, a human being in Italy actually wrote it and a team of animators actually fulfilled that wretched vision.
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And it gets worse! So how do the animals manage to speak, you might be wondering? Well, when the lead human character — who, by the way, is once again ripped off from James Cameron's film — cries into the ocean, her tears are affected by magical moonbeams that give her the ability to talk to all animals, including dolphins, who are trying to stop the villains from getting those whaling rights.
But at least children will learn SOMETHING about history and the dangers of Man's hubris, right?
Nope, because in the end, the giant octopus puts the Titanic back together after it breaks in literal half, so that our main characters can escape. The whales come to the city carrying ALL of the people on the Titanic, thus teaching kids that nobody died whatsoever! Oh, I'm sorry, I just heard what's left of my brain cells screaming in agony!
And now I'm saying goodbye to those precious final cells, because there was a sequel.
3. 'Tentacolino,' a.k.a. 'In Search Of The Titanic' (2004)
Our heroes are attacked by the evil shark gang from the first movie, but before they can suffocate, they are saved by the people of Atlantis and brought back to the underwater, mystical city, where we find walking, talking toys, a techno-musical number, a mouse rebellion, a war against the sharks and much, much more. If that description didn't strike you as HORRENDOUS, then be my guest to enjoy the show:
All three of these movies are insultingly, hysterically and amazingly terrible — but you can't look away from them once you start. Honestly, if you're in search of a flick to put on, eat some popcorn, and have a laugh with your friends? These movies are a blast. (Just don't sit through all of them in one sitting or else your mind will never recover.)
Just don't try to teach kids about the actual Titanic with any of these movies, because they're about as educational about real events as Transformers: Age of Extinction. And the same level of quality!
Would you watch a Titanic animated movie? Could there possibly be a worse idea in the universe? Let us know in the comments below!