For a show in which there is an entire season dedicated to a demented claw-lady forcing the town of Bon Temps to bang the living daylights out of each other, it's hardly surprising that the sex scenes in #TrueBlood are a'plenty. From Sookie and Bill, Sookie and Eric, Eric and Jason, to Jason and Amy — it can be so hard (wink) to keep up (double wink) with these raunchy romps that you barely know whether you're coming (ok, I'll stop) or going.
So, to help you keep track — and to help you get your perve on — we've ranked the nine most demented True Blood sex scenes from seven seasons, starting with:
9. Plenty Of Junk In The Trunk
Who: Jason and Jessica
When: Season 4, Episode 9
Complete with wild bouncing, fang shots and more than one hunk of junk, this saucy sex scene between Jason Stackhouse (Ryan Kwanten) and Jessica (Deborah Ann Woll) is perfect for anyone aroused by the idea of screwing the night away, next to a chainsaw, in the back of a pick-up truck.
This episode also features a hilarious Bill-Sookie-Eric dream sandwich, so you should probs just re-watch the whole episode.
8. It's Ok To Bang Your Brother When You're Dead
Who: Eric and Nora
When: Season 5, Episode 1
Even casual incest between two ancient vampire siblings is acceptable if it means that Eric (#AlexanderSkarsgard) is naked, IMO.
7. Is That A Stake In Your Hand Or Are You Just Pleased To See Me?
Who: Eric and Talbot
When: Season 3, Episode 8
There's nothing quite like showing your captor who's boss by banging his husband and sex-staking him in the back midway through, eh?
6. Putting The D In Dream
Who: Eric and Jason
When: Season 7, Episode 2
There are two kinds of people in this world: those who have sex dreams about Alexander Skarsgard, and those who lie, which Jason proves during his tender, candle-lit, 4-and-a-half-minute long, erotic fantasy.
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5. Getting Balmy In Bon Temps
Who: Alcide and Rikki
When: Season 5, Episode 8
This Season 5 sex scene between Alcide and Rikki is pretty fucking raunchy for a number of reasons, and those reasons all start and end with #JoeManganiello being completely butt nekkid. Werewolf sex FTW.
4. Rest. In. Peen
Who: Bill and Sookie
When: Season 1, Episode 8
This hilarious sex scene involves Bill behaving like some sort of rapey mole, wriggling out of his resting place to give Sookie the filthiest bone of her life — and not in a kinky way.
3. Love Thy Neighbors
Who: The Entire Town
When: Season 2, Episode 6
You need to thank Maryann Maenad — the beclawed nutcase from True Blood's second season — for this one; If it were not for her deranged chants and Dionysus worship there would have been no town orgy in which bewitched residents smear food over each other, nor would they have bumped and ground like extras in some sort of second-rate R. Kelly video. And that, my friends, would have been a shame.
2. Ginger Gets Snapped
- Who: Eric and Ginger
- When: Season 7, Episode 9
"Did you hear me ginger? You and I are finally gonna fuck." And so started the incredible sequence in which Ginger rides Eric atop a throne for roughly 2 thrusts before squealing like a slaughtered pig and flapping around in a manner Elizabeth Berkley's Showgirls character would be proud of.
1. Get Your V's Out
Who: Jason and Amy
When: Season 1, Episode 9
Jason may get his wang out fairly often in True Blood, but none quite top this Season 1 sex scene alongside Lizzy Caplan in which they get high as literal balls on vampire blood and fuck while air-swimming through a sparkly forest of wonder. Life goals right there.
Which deranged True Blood sex scene gets your vote?