It is a truth universally acknowledged that #comicbooks are weird. Sure, they've given us a plethora of serious and award-worthy writing over the years, but there's also been a lot of really weird stuff mixed in with it.
For every Planet Hulk, there's a Heroes Reborn, and for every House of M, there's a weird sex scene. And then there's Sins Past, which we don't talk about because goddammit, Gwen Stacey deserved better.
Here we revisit some of the weird, wonderful, and downright WTF moments from #Marvel's long and convoluted history. Be warned, this list contains more mentions of superpowered sperm than is really safe for work.
1. 'Vision And Scarlet Witch'
Wanda Maximoff (#ScarletWitch) and Vision have a weird history to begin with. One is one of the most powerful sorcerers/mutants in the Marvel Universe, the other is an android. We don't want to speculate as to how they get down to business, but down to business they did get, as at various points in the comics they've been shown to have had children.
Logically this seems weird, given that Vision has a synthetic body. But yet it happens. In the Vision and Scarlet Witch mini-series, while Vision and Wanda are battling the Salem’s Seven, Wanda attempts to control a bunch of loose dark magick. Sensing that it's too much for just her to handle, Vision steps in, and this panel happens.
In the next issue it's revealed that Wanda had become pregnant at this moment, by using the influx of magick to do so. Basically, she conjured up some magick Vision sperm to impregnate herself. She later gives birth to twin boys, and the story gets weirder from there. But that's for another time...
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2. 'Eminem / Punisher'
Marvel has done a few celebrity appearances in their time, but 2009's Eminem / Punisher has to be one of the weirdest. Self confessed comic book nerd Slim Shady appears in this weird story which sees Frank Castle (#Punisher) blasting through Eminem's entourage. Under fire from Castle, the rapper teams up with Punisher villain Barracuda and straight up pistol whips one of the most hardcore characters in the Marvel Universe.
#Eminem shoots Punisher, Barracuda shoots Eminem. They all end up on a boat and Punisher reveals that he was actually hired to protect the rapper from Barracuda. Hired by the "Parents Music Council" to take Eminem out, Barracuda planned to dump him in the ocean and get rich off selling Eminem merchandise on eBay.
The whole thing ends with Eminem chainsawing off Barracuda's hand and saving Punisher, and Punisher saying the word "homies" more than we are comfortable with. 2009 was a weird time for Marvel.
3. 'One More Day'
One More Day is one of the most hated events in Marvel Comic history, and that's saying something. Even if you only have a passing knowledge of Spider-Man lore, you're probably aware of the long standing love affair between Peter Parker and Mary-Jane Watson.
They've been the First Couple of Marvel Comics for years, and their marriage is one of the few that have held up to the pressures of the superhero lifestyle. That is, until the post-Civil War event One More Day. This came along when Marvel Editor-in-Chief Joe Quesada decided that he didn't want #SpiderMan to be married, that the character had to be a lonely single dude, despite the fact that he and MJ had been married for nearly 20 years at this point.
After Peter Parker revealed his identity during Civil War, he made his family a target. When Aunt May was accidently shot by an assassin targeting Peter, she ends up in a coma and near death. Mephisto — the Devil in the Marvel Universe — offers Peter a deal to save her life. A really weird deal.
In exchange for restoring May's health, as well as erasing the knowledge of Spider-Man's true identity from the public consciousness, Mephisto's price is the erasure of Peter and Mary-Jane's marriage from history. Not sure how this would benefit him, but hey. The two agree to have their relationship retconned, and like that one of the most iconic comic book couples ever was erased from history.
4. 'Spider-Man: Reign'
Another Spidey entry, because as Marvel's flagship hero, the Wall Crawler has had a lot of weird stuff happen to him over the years. This is another entry on the list of Peter Parker's weird and tragic relationships. It's taken from Spider-Man: Reign, a Dark Knight Returns type mini-series imagining an older, more depressing Spider-Man.
Here a 70-year-old Spider-Man returns from retirement to save New York from a corrupt mayor. He's also widowed, which is where the really weird part comes in. Poor Mary Jane is long dead, and at one point during Reign Peter has her skeleton exhumed. While embracing her corpse (ew) he tells the story of how she died.
Cancer killed Mary Jane. Cancer that she contracted from years of close contact with Peter's radioactive-spider enhanced body. As if this weren't bad enough, it's revealed that a dose of the radioactivity that she contracted came from Peter's radioactive semen. Yep, having sex with Spider-Man will give you cancer. This has been a Movie Pilot PSA.
Which is your favorite weird moment from Marvel Comics? Tell us in the comments, and check out our rundown of the weirdest Iron Man comics below!