ByElle McFarlane, writer at
'There's always someone younger and hungrier coming down the stairs after you.'
Elle McFarlane

Does the word "Christmas" bring you out in a cold sweat? Does your heart begin to race at double the speed? Does your sentient mind begin to malfunction as you start hysterically screaming "it looks like nothing to me" while you trawl frantically through endless Target catalogues?

Well rest easy weary stranger because there's not much of a rind on you yet and we've got the perfect solution for all of your festive woes. Here in the Gift Shop we have the perfect present for all of your loved ones. From cranky grannie to your bratty cousins, your janky old uncle and your neurotic mother, there's something for everyone so come, browse at your leisure and be sure to ask the lady with the white shoes for any assistance should you need it.

For Your Cranky Grannie: A 3D Hip Replacement Printer

Twerkin' Around The Christmas Tree!

Nothing will say "I care" more than buying Grannie a 3D hip replacement printer. While it is a little on the expensive side, think of it as an investment in not only her future, but also the future of your entire hip-thrusting family. Give granny the gift of twerking for Christmas, it'll be sure to be a family gathering you'll remember for years to come.

  • Pros: Memories
  • Cons: Remortgaging the house

For Your Bigoted Uncle: A Giant Piss Map

Merry Pissmass, Darling!

For that one bigoted uncle who always seems to piss on everyone's bonfire, with this large piss map everyone's a winner. Instead of relieving himself all over your hopes and dreams he can now release his inner bigot all over this large lavatory map so for fifteen sweet seconds, he truly can feel like the king of the world.

  • Pros: Not having to listen to his bigoted spaffle for at least fifteen seconds
  • Cons: Installing a colossal piss map into your home

For Your Hormonally Rampant Cousin: 'In The Mood For Love' Headphones

Jingle Bell Cock!

We've all been there. When your body is growing quicker than your mind's ability to comprehend logic, reason and good fashion decisions it's easy to get swept away in a moment of lust so powerful that sometimes the only thing you can do is to drop trou and tickle your pickle. With these new "In The Mood For Love" headphones, it's now even easier to block out any distractions, the dying screams of your colleagues and pleas to reason from your mother than ever before.

  • Pros: Immediate satisfaction, guaranteed
  • Cons: Arrest

For Your Neurotic Mother: Head-Proof Windows

Santa Clause Is Coming To Town - But He's Not Getting In My Conservatory!

Few things make a neurotic mother feel safer than knowing that her windows are completely impenetrable by a human head. Give you mom the gift of security this Christmas with a pane of glass that not even a ferociously strong robot could smash through, the glass conservatory will never feel so good.

  • Pros: Surviving a zombie apocalypse
  • Cons: No escape

For Your Quirky Aunt: A Milk-Wound Fountain

Have Yourself A Milky Little Christmas!

For the quirky aunt who has everything from a Germaine Greer nail file to a "grow your own tofu" vat, we've got you covered this year with this one-of-a-kind milk-wound fountain. The perfect addition to any garden, balcony or bedroom, all this baby needs is two gallons of milk (soy or original) and it's good to start bleeding that sweet milky goodness till those cows come home.

  • Pros: A great talking-piece for awkward dinner parties
  • Cons: The rancid smell

See Also

For Your 'All Man' Father: An Edible Leg

The Little Drum Stick Boy!

Never want your dad to feel emasculated again? Here's your one-way ticket to making him the man of the household, forever. Nothing screams "macho" quite like disregarding the Christmas spread your mom has put on the table by whipping out a human leg from your man-bag and chowing it down with savage gusto. Remind him though that sustained eye contact which each family member is the key to fully getting the macho message of this "all man" edible leg across.

  • Pros: All Man
  • Cons: Indigestion

For Your Possessive Sister: A 'He's Mine' Flesh Stamp

All I Want For Christmas Is You! Forever!

Put an end to your sisters's jealous spying on your brother-in-law by giving her peace of mind this Christmas. The "He's Mine" flesh stamp will mean that she never needs to worry again as he's branded as hers now and for all time. Due to women being manically possessive by nature, the "He's Mine" flesh stamp sold out in record time last year, so get your preorder in early to save yourself another Christmas of tears, agro and feminine weakness.

  • Pros: No more drama (in my life)
  • Cons: The awkwardness of the "branding" ceremony

And For You: A Robotic Clone Of Your Child Self

What Child Is This?

Have you ever wanted someone to cook you a bacon sandwich at 4 in the morning? To run to the shops and buy you some cigarettes in a hailing blizzard? To put their arms down the drain where you dropped your iPhone? Well now you can! By purchasing a Host version of your child self you never need to do any menial, demeaning tasks ever again and what's more, you get a new friend too.

  • Pros: You can hold back on buying that dishwasher
  • Cons: Coming face-to-face with your childhood neurosis each and every day


Did you find what you were looking for at the 'Westworld' Gift Shop?


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